Your three-year anniversary is approaching, and you couldn’t have asked for a better partner. They’re sweet, loyal, reliable, and communicative. Sure, there are arguments here and there—different life goals, unlikeable in-laws, competing religious and political beliefs, etc.—but that’s normal. Relationships ebb and flow. Plus, if you and your S.O. survived the dreaded two-year mark (i.e. the most common time period when couples break up), then you’re destined to be together forever…right?
Unfortunately, the two-year mark isn’t the only relationship test to pass, nor do you get to relax before the seven-year itch. There’s also the three-year relationship problem AKA the “three-year itch.”
A relationship goes through many ups and downs, including the three-year mark. After three years together, the “honeymoon phase” has worn off and now life is lifeing. Suddenly, you’re arguing over everything from politics to parenting styles and the two of you just can’t get on the same page. The relationship might seem over, but you can get over this hump with open communication, quality time, and conflict resolution.
What Is the 3-Year Relationship Problem?
The three-year relationship problem is when couples encounter long-term compatibility issues. The newness of the relationship has waned, and questions about the future (marriage, parenthood, money) become more pressing.
“Three years in a relationship is considered a milestone because it offers a greater sense of safety and comfort,” says clinical psychologist Dr. Patrice N. Douglas. “By this time, the initial excitement has typically faded, fostering more genuine interactions and a stronger sense of stability.”
The honeymoon phase has ended and real life has settled in. Some couples grow stronger and more stable while others stagnate because of a decline in passion or life challenges.
Why Is This a Significant Relationship Moment?
Three years is a key milestone for couples because the initial passion and intense desires that once brought them together have settled into comfortable and stable love. It’s also the time when partners start thinking about the future.
Tess Brigham, a marriage and family therapist, says that the two-to-three-year mark is when couples struggle over lifestyle issues, like how their partner deals with money or if they want children.
“The thing about relationships is that you can be totally connected to someone,” she says. “You’re attracted to each other and there’s a real spark there. But if you don’t also have the same values and desire the same things at the exact same time, the relationship is never going to work.”
Furthermore, a 2023 study echoed this sentiment, noting that couples with different value beliefs have more overt disagreements compared to relationships with universal beliefs.1
Having intimacy and connection with your partner is important. But a relationship cannot survive on love alone. Both partners must agree on lifestyle choices (at the same time too!) for the relationship to work.
Common Challenges in 3-Year Relationships
While lifestyle choices like marriage and finances have an impact, other areas like in-laws and communication can also trigger the three-year relationship problem. Some common challenges include:
- Decisions on parenthood
- Cultural differences
- Marriage
- Financial issues
- Career or lifestyle changes
- Religious or political beliefs
- Relationship with in-laws
Impact of the 3-Year Relationship Problem
So, what does the three-year itch do to a relationship? Well, it highlights the cracks between you and your partner—old conflicts that never got addressed, differing perspectives, uncertainty about the future, failed communication, etc. Some couples bounce back by investing in the relationship—upping their communication, spending more time together, or seeing a therapist. Others realize they’re better off apart than together.
Differences that were previously overlooked or ignored, like cultural dynamics, decisions about parenthood, marriage, and financial issues, become more pressing and can no longer be brushed aside. This often leads to conflicts or a reassessment of the relationship.
The three-year relationship problem really shows you (and your partner) whether the two of you are compatible for a long-term commitment, be either marriage or a domestic partnership.
Emotional and Psychological Effects on Individuals
We know that a strong, committed, and stable relationship positively impacts your sense of purpose, which benefits your well-being and emotional health.2 However, a relationship can transition from healthy and secure to toxic if you and your partner have fundamentally incompatible lifestyles. Even though you both love one another, communicating will eventually become difficult, and soon resentment will brew.
Naturally, you can try compromising. However, studies indicate that partners who’ve compromised their core beliefs report having negative outcomes on their sense of self.3
Potential Consequences for the Relationship
If the three-year relationship problem isn’t addressed, the relationship will suffer. That can look like underlying resentments and grudges, which prompts more unsolvable conflicts and even stonewalling (aka where you or your partner shuts down and gives each other the “silent treatment”.)
You might also start seeing conflict avoidance. Your partner might believe not talking about the problem will prevent arguments or fights. Intimacy and connection can also wane as you struggle to spend time together without previous grudges or resentment coming up.
Remember, relationships require work, no matter the stage. But for couples entering or nearing the three-year mark, it’s essential to get on the same page. That means asking yourself and your partner “deep questions.” For example, Brigham recommends thinking critically about the relationship: “What does our relationship mean to you?” or “How can I love you better?”
These questions can be uncomfortable. Creating a safe and nurturing environment for you and your partner is key to having an open dialogue.
Strategies for Overcoming the 3-Year Relationship Problem
How does one get their relationship back on track? Well, there’s no set path to rebuilding a relationship—remember, every relationship is different, but communication is a great starting point.
Communication
“Communication is crucial for navigating challenges at the three-year mark in a relationship,” Dr. Douglas says. “Couples should be open and honest about their feelings and needs.”
Nyah Jordan, 24, and her partner, Noah, 24, encountered the three-year relationship rule but survived by upping their communication and being intentional. “We had to communicate way more and do periodic check-ins just for our relationship in general,” she says. “It sounds business-like almost, but we’d sit each other down, and ask ‘What have I been doing that you’ve loved recently? What could I be doing better? Is there anything you don’t like that I do?’”
Periodic check-ins can improve your relationship but are also a great way to determine if you want to be in a relationship. Dr. Douglas advises “individuals to reflect on whether they’ve been compromising their beliefs or desires just to avoid being single.”
Invest in Quality Time
No one is the same person at the start of any relationship. So, it’s important to invest in quality time, as you grow individually into different people and discover new interests, values, and hobbies, says Dr. Douglas.
Jordan says she and her partner had to be intentional to find quality time together, as the two were long-distance. “We had to make time for ourselves from virtual date nights to deciding not to spend the weekend with friends and just enjoy time with one another,” she says. “Now, we’ve created some good habits of texting throughout the day, even if it’s a simple ‘How are you?’ or calling each other while making dinner.”
More quality time can also help the relationship gain the intimacy and closeness it may have lost during the honeymoon stage, says Brigham. It can be hard for some partners to feel seen and loved after the “newness” of the relationship has waned.
“If we don’t want to rip off each other’s clothes, what does this look like long into the future?” she says. “How do we continue to be loving and kind to the other person? Once those initial feelings wear off, it’s easy to forget that a person might need more attention.”
Address Conflicts
Unresolved conflict breeds resentment, which can destroy a relationship. It’s best to address conflicts as they come instead of letting them go unresolved. Dr. Douglas says to focus on understanding each person and their points instead of arguing. Use “I” statements to focus on your feelings and experiences instead of projecting or guilt-tripping your partner.
“Address conflicts as they come up, focusing on understanding each other rather than arguing,” says Dr. Douglas. “For ongoing or complex issues, consider seeking help from a therapist or counselor who can provide useful tools and strategies to help couples manage this stage more effectively.”