For many people, sex is a very emotional act. When having sex, you might find that you experience many emotions, from pleasure to joy. Some people might even become so overwhelmed by feelings that they start to cry.
The first thing you should know if you’ve ever found yourself in that situation is that, while it could feel moderately embarrassing, crying during sex is typically nothing to worry about. That said, it can help to understand why this happens and how to prevent it from happening again if that’s what you want. Here’s what you need to know.
Reasons for Crying During Sex
If you’ve ever cried during sex or had a partner cry, the immediate question you might ask yourself is “Why?”—especially if it seems like the tears have come out of nowhere. These are a few potential reasons to consider.
While crying is most commonly associated with sadness, many emotions could cause someone to cry during sex, from happiness to frustration.
You Are in Unwanted Pain
If you experience unwanted pain and discomfort during sex, you may begin to cry. Sex should never be painful in an undesired, uncomfortable way. Pain during sex, also known as dyspareunia, can be the result of an infection, an injury, or because there’s a lack of lubrication.1
Women with a condition called vaginismus also often feel pain during sex. Vaginismus is a condition that causes vaginal muscles to tighten involuntarily, making it difficult for women to have penetrative sex. It can be treated with various types of therapy, including cognitive behavioral therapy and sex therapy.2
To address crying during sex due to pain, inform your partner immediately that you are in pain and either stop completely or slow things down significantly. Only proceed with consent, care, and clear communication.
You Are Sad or Depressed
If you’ve been feeling sad or depressed, these emotions don’t go away during sex, even though sex is meant to be a pleasurable activity. So, you might find yourself suddenly crying during random moments in your day, which could include when you’re having sex.
Seeking treatment can help you start to feel better. Depression treatment can involve medication, therapy, or a combination of both. Talking to your healthcare provider or a mental health professional is a good first step to getting help.
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You Are Happy
Believe it or not, you might cry during sex simply because you are overwhelmingly happy. This might be because you are having sex with a partner you love deeply or really enjoy sex with them. So, don’t hold back and let the tears flow if you find yourself crying because you are so ecstatic.
This can be an intimate bonding moment between you and your partner. It’s essential to communicate that you are crying because you are just so happy so that you don’t alarm your partner.
You Are Ashamed of Having Sex
Some people have reservations about sex, causing them to cry during the act. This occurs mainly when the sex is outside of a committed partnership or marriage. Some people cry because they view sex as a dirty act.
If you think of sex as a shameful act, unlearning these sentiments can help you have and enjoy sex comfortably. And if you have any reservations about having sex with a particular person or in a specific situation, hold off until these feelings have been resolved so you can feel more comfortable during sex.
You’ve Just Had an Orgasm
Some people find that every time they orgasm, they cry a little. Orgasm is an intense bodily reaction to pleasure when having sex.
In a 2017 study, researchers found that people experience a wide range of emotions after orgasm, from crying to sneezing to having panic attacks. It’s known as a “peri-orgasmic phenomena” and is rare.3
You Feel Overwhelmed
If work, life, or any other personal issues overwhelm you, this could affect you during sex. When having sex, your body is steadily releasing a cocktail of hormones. If you combine the surge of hormones with stress or anxiety, you might cry.
Some people also have a condition called sexual performance anxiety that could cause them to cry during sex. Research shows that the disorder affects 9% to 25% of men and 6% to 16% of women.4
You Are Dealing With Unresolved Trauma
If you’ve been sexually or emotionally abused in the past, this could cause trauma. Having lived through sexual trauma can make having and enjoying sex after the incident complicated, especially if you have yet to heal from your trauma.
If crying during sex is due to unresolved trauma, you can start to heal by attending therapy or support groups. Also, choose a partner who can support your healing through compassionate, understanding, and respectful emotional and sexual connection.
You Have Postcoital Dysphoria
Postcoital dysphoria is a condition that causes intense feelings of sadness in women after having sex. In a 2015 study, researchers found that about 46% of participants had experienced postcoital dysphoria at least once in their lives.5
If you have this condition, you might suddenly cry after having sex or during sex, even if you enjoyed it. In some cases, you might even get into a fight with your partner for no apparent reason during sex.
You Are Unhappy With Your Partner
Crying during sex could be a sign of issues in your relationship. If you’ve been going through emotional issues with your partner or harboring thoughts of splitting up, it can all come to a head during sex.
If this is the case, it’s important to discuss this with your partner. This enables you both to decide whether to work on repairing the relationship or going your separate ways.
You’re Experiencing Hormonal Changes
Certain hormones are released during sex, like oxytocin and dopamine.6 This can produce feelings of relaxation and happiness. However, you might react to the rush of these hormonal changes—along with the physical and emotional intensity of sex—by tearing up or crying.
If you are experiencing other conditions like premenstrual syndrome (PMS),7 pregnancy,8 menopause,9 or if you are undergoing fertility treatment,10 your body is going through hormonal changes that may cause you to cry during sex as well.
You Are Fully Present
You might cry during sex when you are completely present and in the moment. Sometimes, being in the moment creates space for other feelings to arise, especially feelings we may have avoided, numbed, or repressed. Sex can trigger the release of all kinds of emotions.
So You Cried During Sex, What Now?
If you’ve just cried during sex, you might feel a little embarrassed by it. It might help to know that you are not alone, and most times, it’s perfectly normal.
What you do next typically depends on the reason you are crying. For instance, if you are in pain, you should immediately stop having sex and figure out why. If you can’t identify what’s causing your pain, a healthcare provider can help you determine the cause.
If you are crying for any other reason, communicate with your partner so you can find the root of it together. Seeking a therapist can also help.
How to Respond to a Partner Crying During Sex
Having a partner suddenly burst into tears during or after sex can be surprising. It could also cause you to either feel guilty, worried, or anxious about the well-being of your partner.
The most important thing to do is to have a conversation about it. Don’t move past it as if nothing happened. Sometimes, your partner crying during sex could hint at emotional issues or reservations they might have about your relationship.
Clarify that you understand and empathize with their feelings and ask them how you can help. It’s essential not to hurry into resuming sex or any sexual activity until you feel you’ve both come to a complete resolution about the matter.
In addition to having a conversation about why the crying is happening:
- Ask your partner if they’d like to stop.
- Slow down and observe your partner’s non-verbal cues.
- Stop sexual activity and hold your partner close until they are ready to speak/communicate.
Instead of going into logical problem-solving mode, it can be helpful to meet and to be present with what is instead of immediately trying to diagnose it.
Takeaways
There are many reasons for crying during sex. You should know that it’s nothing to worry about, and in some instances, it can even be an indicator that you have a healthy and loving relationship with your partner.
However, if you frequently cry during sex and can’t seem to figure out why, you might need to speak to a psychotherapist or sex therapist about it. You could either do this with your partner or alone.