Sexual aftercare is the practice of caring for your partner(s) after sex. It can involve anything from showering together to cuddling and talking; it’s all about what makes everyone feel cared for and nurtured after engaging in sexual intimacy.
In the past, society has primarily been focused on the before and during of sex: Think foreplay and enthusiastic consent. In recent years, however, the inclusion of what happens after the act of sex has also become a focal point. Because of that, we’ve seen a rise in people discussing the “after” of sex, too.
“The term ‘sexual aftercare’ was introduced by the BDSM community as a practice to make sure everyone was taken care of after sexual encounters but has since spread outside of that community,” explains co-founder of SOHOMD Dr. Edward Ratush, a sex therapist and Board Certified Psychiatrist. While sexual aftercare was originally used to describe the time, care, and attention given to partners after BDSM play or kinky sex, it is now a common concept and practice amongst non-kink communities, monogamous couples, and polyamorous people.
Anyone who has sex can benefit from practicing sexual aftercare. Ahead, we’ll discuss more about what this practice is, what actions it may include, and why it’s important.
What is Sexual Aftercare?
There are no hard and fast rules about what is or isn’t sexual aftercare as it’s centered around the things that make individuals cared for after having sex. Because sex can be a personal, physical, vulnerable, intimate and intense activity, ensuring your partner feels cared for afterwards helps everyone leave the situation feeling good. Sexual aftercare promotes relationship satisfaction,1 and it can be given and received by anyone. There are no roles needed and it should be present in relationships ranging from casual to serious.
“Just as people now recognize that foreplay plays an important role to help both partners become aroused and transition from daily life into sex, there is a growing awareness that sexual aftercare can help your mind and body re-regulate themselves,” says Ratush. “Aftercare refers to a variety of behaviors after sex; it can be time spent cuddling, talking and taking care of your partner. The variation is broad because the intention of the care is to meet the partners’ need(s) in the moment,” he adds.
Aftercare can enhance feelings of security after intimacy, as it can be seen as a continuation of activities that enable our partners to feel close, connected, and respected. During sex, endorphins and feel-good hormones including oxyticn can be released, activating pleasure centers in the brain. Aftercare can help regulate how you feel and how your body responds as those chemicals dissipate. People, especially men, can be prone to depression after having sex,2 so taking care of your partner and seeing that their emotional needs are met may help prevent that. Intimacy, connection, and closeness do not have to end after an orgasm.
What Does Sexual Aftercare Include?
Sexual aftercare includes any activity that helps a person feel grounded and relaxed after having sex. These include, but are not limited to:
- Talking, whether it’s about the sex you just had and how you feel or other topics
- Cuddling
- Reading together
- Watching tv
- Showering together
- Eating snacks
- Taking a nap
- Rubbing each other’s backs
- Listening to music together
- Stroking each other’s hair
Before engaging in any aftercare activities, you can check in with your partner about the kinds of aftercare that would feel good for them. Communication and consent about desired activities after sex is important, just as consent for sex itself is. Openly communicating with your partner(s) about the amount of time you have available to spend together, as well as the activities you’re interested in, can occur after sex, or can be discussed beforehand so everyone is prepared.
If you and your partner(s) are more spontaneous, it may make sense to decide on aftercare in the moment. If you are the type who likes to plan days out ahead of time, you may benefit from planning aftercare in advance.
Why is Aftercare Important?
If you haven’t practiced sexual aftercare before, you might not think it’s a big deal, or something you need to be doing. But it has many health benefits, and since it’s tailored to the individual, everyone can find a way to enjoy it.
“Sexual aftercare is important whether you’re in a committed relationship or not,” Ratush tells us. He says, “the mind is incredibly vulnerable after sexual intercourse, and aftercare maintains respect between both parties and safeguards the emotional safety and security for both partners—critical factors in a positive relationship with sex.”
Aftercare can create a bridge between our intimate world and the “regular” one we’re a part of the rest of the time. “After sex of even the lowest intensity, putting aside some time to reset can help both partners manage a more positive return to regular activities,” says Ratush. This means that not only does it help us be close to one another, it also enables us to go back to our normal lives more seamlessly after a sexual encounter.
Preventing negative emotions
Aftercare can prevent negative feelings from occurring. “Even after completely consensual acts, some people may experience embarrassment, shame, or guilt that can be diminished by communication,” he explains.
For anyone who gets depressed after sex, aftercare is even more important. “It also helps combat post-coital dysphoria—informally known as ‘post-sex blues’—a feeling of sadness that can follow after coming down from the dopamine high of consensual sex,” says Ratush. He tells us that “this is a feeling experienced by both men and women that can happen after sex and can manifest as irritability, agitation, anxiety, or depression.” By practicing aftercare, you can get ahead of this issue before it takes hold. “Maintaining a positive emotional bond in moments after sex can help lessen the impact of those negative feelings,” he explains.
How to get the most out of aftercare?
Sexual aftercare can be fluid, and what it involves can change over time, even with the same partner(s). Communication about what each party wants to engage in is always key, as is consent around those activities. To get the most out of sexual aftercare, it is integral to understand your partner and their changing needs.
There’s no right or wrong way to practice aftercare. If you and your partner(s) feel cared for, you’re doing it correctly. Ratush suggests you “make sure that your partner’s needs are met after sex and communicate what you need to feel comfortable.” Even if sexual aftercare hasn’t been a part of your intimate life before, you have all the tools you need to begin engaging in emotionally healthy practice.