Falling for your friend is all too easy; it’s one of the greatest romantic tropes for a reason. One day you’re telling your friend about the cute person you saw in the supermarket, and the next day your friend is the person you can’t get out of your head. It might feel a bit awkward or strange to have these feelings at first, but that doesn’t mean they’re wrong to have.
“If you notice that your feelings for your friend have gone from ‘I like this person’ to ‘I really like this person,’ it can be a little confusing. However, it makes sense that spending a lot of time around someone you like and admire may lead to some romantic feelings,” Kristal DeSantis, CCTP, CSTIP, a licensed marriage and family therapist, psychotherapist, and author of STRONG: A Relationship Field Guide for the Modern Man.
But the question is, what do you want to do about it? It’s a tricky decision that requires thought and introspection. There is no right or wrong answer for how to proceed, only what you determine is best for you and your friendships with this person at the moment. Here’s are some things to consider when you’ve caught feelings for your friend.
Identify Your True Feelings
Sometimes a crush is just a passing spark and other times it blooms into something bigger and more special. It’s critical to know if this is a quick blip of emotion or if it has the potential to grow stronger.
Think: Did you just get out of a breakup and are confusing the comfort of platonic love for a replacement for the connection you’ve lost? Do you like their company the same as any friend, or do you imagine being more intimate with them? Take your time to answer these questions and see how your feelings develop (or fade out).
There are many signs that you are looking at a friend as something more, according to Dr. Sabrina Romanoff, a clinical psychologist and professor at Yeshiva University in New York City. If you experience the following, you likely have romantic feelings for your friend:
- Experience jealousy when they talk about their dating life
- Want to spend a significant amount of time with them and experience particular events together—more so than with other friends
- Regularly check their social media
- Compare people you’re dating to them
- Feel the need to check in with them regularly
- Often share important parts of your day
- Are more concerned with your appearance around them
But so what if you’re merely attracted to them? Is it just that, or something deeper? DeSantis recommends asking yourself if this is someone you want to be romantically involved with or if your attraction is strictly physical. “Neither is right or wrong, but it’s important to know how you feel and what you would hope for if the relationship were to change from friends to something more before talking to your friend about it,” she says.
Take the Love Quiz
Our fast and free love quiz can help you determine if what you’ve got is the real deal or simply a temporary fling or infatuation.
If you’re actually falling in love with your friend
If your feelings are real, this can be an exciting moment, but there are some things to consider before you jump ahead and decide to tell them.
How do you feel?
You may attempt to deny your feelings for the sake of your friendship. While this could work, it may also frustrate you and stop you from fully processing your attraction. Take time to determine how you truly feel about your friend. Give yourself time to come to terms with your emotions.
“Emotions are fluid and can shift and change over time, so it may help to be patient with yourself as you try to sift through these new feelings,” says Saba Harouni Lurie, a licensed marriage and family therapist and founder of Take Root Therapy.
How do they feel?
Unless you speak to them directly (or have very gossipy friends), there’s no way to answer this question fully.
However, you may be able to get clues based on how they act or things they’ve said about your relationships as a whole. “Do you have any indication that they might be attracted to you? Are they open to a new romantic relationship right now? Are they in the middle of a breakup?” says DeSantis.
“Remember that friendship is the bedrock of your relationship. A big way that you can show you care for your friend as a person is making sure that your romantic aspirations don’t come at the cost of the friendship.”
What do you want?
Here is your chance to do a cost-benefit analysis of the situation, says Romanoff. Are your feelings strong enough to risk your friendship? Would you rather keep the friendship than tell them how you feel? Asking yourself these questions can help you decide if your feelings are worth sharing.
“Consider what you are truly seeking from them,” Romanoff suggests, “do you want a long-term partner, or are you just looking for a physical connection?”
Furthermore, think about what spurred your romantic feelings toward this person. “What characteristics do you value in them, and what do you imagine a romantic relationship between the two of you would look like? And are they looking for the same thing when it comes to a romantic relationship? If not, you may decide that this relationship is best as a friendship, even if you have these romantic feelings,” adds Lurie.
How to tell your friend how you feel
If you want to tell your friend you have feelings for them, it’s a big step. But, if you’ve thought it out and the pros outweigh the cons, we support you. What’s important now is how and when to tell them.
As DeSantis explains, you can’t “just blindside them with this new information in a late night text or drop this information casually or jokingly when you’re among your other friends. If you’re serious about taking this next step in your relationship, treat it that way.”
As much as the movies might tell you otherwise, this is not the time for a grand romantic gesture. Tell them in a straightforward, respectful way when it’s just the two of you. This means sharing your feelings for them honestly and directly, without any grand romantic gestures that may blindside them.
Explain when you started feeling this way toward them and why you decided now was the right time to tell them. Then, once you’ve said all you have to say, give them time to process everything. “Expect there to be some awkwardness between you both as you each consider this new part of your relationship,” says Romanoff. “Try to be understanding and validating of their reaction to create emotional safety—and process your feelings separately from them.”
How to move forward if the feelings are reciprocated
If you’ve told your friend that you have feelings for them, and they feel the same way, congrats! This is an exciting chance to explore a romantic relationship with them. While you might have an urge to jump in fast since you already know the other person, it might be more beneficial to take things slow.
“You already know each other as friends, but knowing one another as romantic partners may take some adjusting,” says Lurie. “Have an open and honest conversation about your feelings and intentions, and discuss your hopes for the relationship and what you both want.” She recommends doing everything you can to maintain your friendship, as it can be a great foundation for your romantic connection to grow.
“Leave your assumptions at the door, and make time to have deeper conversations about hopes, dreams, romantic and relationship goals, and plans for the future,” adds DeSantis.
How to move on if they don’t share your feelings
You respectfully and honestly put yourself out there—that’s something to be proud of, no matter the outcome. Unfortunately, if it wasn’t the outcome you wanted, it may be painful to cope with right now.
Your friend may not reciprocate your romantic feelings, but reminding yourself that this is not something they can necessarily control may help you not take the rejection personally, Desantis says.
Romanoff and Lurie emphasize that moving on might mean taking time away from your friend while you heal. If you have friends in common, they might pop up in some group settings, but one-on-one interactions might be painful and uncomfortable for a bit. You can try coping by leaning on your close friends, meeting new people, or speaking with a mental health professional about it.
One day you might choose to be their friend again, but it’s okay to acknowledge that it’s too painful right now. Take pride in the fact that you were honest with yourself and friend, and remember this one rejection does not mean your life is over. It will likely take time to heal, but you will heal and be okay.