BDSM relationships incorporate consensual erotic bondage and discipline practices. The term BDSM (Bondage/Discipline, Dominance/Submission, and Sadism/Masochism) is a catch-all phrase for a range of concepts and practices centered upon a power exchange within the context of sexual intimacy. Other activities in BDSM may include controlled voyeurism, exhibitionism, and role-playing.
Where BDSM was often treated as taboo in the past, couples and sex therapists are increasingly recognizing its potential benefits.
At a Glance
There are a lot of myths and misconceptions out there about BDSM relationships. Much of that is starting to change as BDSM practices become more mainstream. But it’s not just that public perceptions are changing—researchers are also uncovering evidence that bondage and discipline can actually have health and relationship benefits.
If it interests you and your partner, check out some of the following tips for cultivating a healthy BDSM relationship.
Perceptions of BDSM Relationships
The practices involved in BDSM have been around for centuries in many cultures. However, some still see these kinds of sexual/relationship dynamics as taboo.
“To an outsider, many of these ideas may seem extreme, but for centuries various cultures have used these techniques as deeper ways to explore consciousness, power, and control, as well as the dynamics of masculine and feminine energies in relationships,” explains Kim Anami, a holistic sex and relationship coach.
BDSM has long been treated as a stigmatized taboo. Media depictions often portray kinks and fetishes in a negative light. Not only that, the mental health industry also condemned aspects of BDSM for many years.1
Perceptions of BDSM Relationships Are Changing
Although there are many people who view BDSM relationships as taboo, society has seen a notable shift in attitude toward greater acceptance and understanding of BDSM. This is partly because of the mental health industry’s adjusted stance, and also because of BDSM’s increasing popularity in pop culture.
For example, even though the bestselling erotic novel Fifty Shades of Grey pointed the finger at Christian Grey’s childhood abuse for his desire to participate in “kinky sex,” the book has certainly helped make the topic less shocking.
Further, recent studies devoted to understanding BDSM and its effects on the body have shown surprising results.2 Not only are researchers failing to find evidence of harm BDSM may cause, but they are also discovering ways in which it might positively impact our mental and physical health or even deepen our relationships.
More people, including researchers, are acknowledging the benefits of BDSM. For example, it helps reduce stress and build trust in relationships.
BDSM Relationships Can Reduce Stress
Some research has shown that engaging in BDSM practices can trigger biological effects—similar to the zen you might experience during or after a fulfilling yoga session or to the “runner’s high” you get from intense cardio.
These activities can actually reduce how much cortisol (referred to as the stress hormone) is coursing through your body.
In a series of studies from Northern Illinois University, researchers took saliva samples from submissive and dominant participants during sadomasochistic scenes, and the dominant partners showed decreased cortisol levels after the session concluded.3
Not only can a reduction in cortisol make us feel better mentally, but it can also positively impact our physical health. Lower cortisol levels protect us from a wide range of health ailments, including high blood pressure, suppressed immunity, and insulin resistance.
BDSM Relationships Are Built On Communication
While some might assume the opposite would be true, exploring aspects of BDSM with your partner can actually improve your sexual relationship and ultimately bring you closer together.
Lisa Hochberger-Brown, MEd, LCSW, a licensed clinical social worker specializing in sex therapy, says communication skills are one key benefit of BDSM relationships.
Experienced BDSM practitioners usually exhibit high levels of sex education and communication skills. People plan out ‘scenes’ using many forms of safety precautions that involve a strong sense of assertiveness and negotiation as well as vulnerability.
These are the foundations of a successful relationship, she explains.
“It’s important to know that sex is play, and it is OK to be submissive or powerful in a consensual way. Also, it’s important to note that sex play roles are not equivalent to emotional relationship dynamics, nor do they equal relationship power roles outside of sex play.”
At the end of the day, improved communication skills are key ingredients in the recipe for any satisfying, healthy relationship—romantic or otherwise.
BDSM Relationships Deepen Trust
In addition to strengthening your communication skills across the board, those who practice BDSM with their long-term partners can often experience a deeper sense of trust.
Kim Anami notes that, “When done consciously, practicing BDSM can be a very powerful experience for a couple, ultimately bringing them closer together.”
Anami suggest that the key to a successful BDSM relationship is to start with an open and honest conversation about what you are interested in exploring together. This includes talking about your fantasies and boundaries. She suggests starting to plan out different scenarios that fit within what you have discussed together.
Also, most people create ‘safe words’ to help them navigate the edges of those boundaries without going over.
It takes a great deal of trust to talk about these things, let alone figure out ways to put them into action and then move forward into actual role-playing. Being sexual with anyone requires showing trust and openness, but the intricacies of BDSM require participants to really double down on being vulnerable with each other.
BDSM May Improve Mental Health
Research from the International Society for Sexual Medicine conducted a study to specifically measure the mental well-being of people who enjoy participating in BDSM, and they did so by examining key personality traits of each person.4
Those traits included their attachment styles in relationships, general well-being, and how sensitive they were to rejection compared to those in a control group.
Not only did researchers find that BDSM practitioners weren’t “psychologically damaged” as previously assumed, but they were actually more well-adjusted on certain measures compared to non-BDSM practitioners.4
The participants in the BDSM group felt more secure in their relationships, had an increased sense of well-being, were more conscientious toward others, and were more open to trying new experiences. They also had decreased anxiety and were less sensitive to others’ perceptions.
These characteristics may indicate that BDSM relationships may positively correlate with some benefits.
Another study examined scores on an adjustment screening among people in the BDSM community. The results found that practicing BDSM did not hurt relationship satisfaction and that people who practice BDSM are not any more pathological than the general population.1