Situationship: How to Cope When Commitment is Unclear

Are you in a situation where you’re seeing someone but it’s not exactly a relationship? You and your partner have fun as a couple and may even be intimate, but you haven’t committed to each other or discussed a future together.

If so, you may be in a “situationship” or relationship without a commitment, says Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD, a clinical psychologist and professor at Yeshiva University. Learn what a situationship is, its pros and cons, and some next steps you can take if you find yourself in one.

What Is a Situationship?

Situationships can be defined as “romantic relationships with no clarity or label.”1 They might include affection, sexual behaviors, and spending time together but also involve low levels of commitment.

Put simply, a situationship is essentially a relationship without any commitment, says Dr. Romanoff. She adds that this type of arrangement allows individuals to experience the benefits of being in a relationship and being single simultaneously.

But a situationship can also leave you unsure what to say when someone asks whether you’re seeing someone. “It’s complicated” may be the only response that seems appropriate.

Characteristics of a Situationship

How do you know whether your relationship could be defined as a situationship? Here are a few characteristics to look for:

• The relationship is undefined. You and your partner may not have had the “What are we?” conversation to define the relationship, set expectations, and outline boundaries. It may feel too early to have the conversation, or you may not feel comfortable bringing it up.
• There’s no consistency. A lack of consistency is a major sign that you’re in a situationship according to Dr. Romanoff. It can be hard to know what to expect from your partner—for instance, you may not know when you’ll see them next, how long they’ll take to respond to a text, or whether they’ll make the effort to reach out.
• There’s no mention of the future. People in a relationship often plan for the future in some capacity, whether it’s going to an event a few months down the road or longer-term plans to settle down and have a family. In a situationship, there’s typically no discussion of the future.
• The connection is superficial. Though you and your partner may spend time together or even be intimate with each other, you may not have developed a deep emotional connection. The conversation may be superficial and you may notice that they never ask you personal questions, says Dr. Romanoff.
• The relationship is based on convenience. You and your partner may not prioritize each other or go out of your way to see each other. Instead, you tend to make spur-of-the-moment plans based on convenience, if you have a gap in your schedule, or if something else doesn’t work out, for instance.
• The relationship is not exclusive. In a situationship, you and your partner may not have discussed being exclusive and one or both of you may be seeing other people.
• There isn’t much follow-up. You and your partner may be in “relationship mode” in person but switch back to “casual mode” when apart, says Dr. Romanoff. You may also notice that they don’t take a lot of initiative or follow up with you on conversations or plans.

Pros and Cons of a Situationship

There are both pros and cons of a situationship says Dr. Romanoff. Here are several of each to consider.

Advantages of a Situationship

The biggest advantage of a situationship is that there is less responsibility. Relationships can consume a significant amount of emotional energy. Situationships, on the other hand, don’t require a huge emotional investment.

People who tend to gravitate towards situationships are those who want emotional connection and intimacy with a partner in a compartmentalized way. This type of relationship allows them to have an emotional presence and connection in person, but when apart, they can have their freedom.

A situationship also offers a fun, stress-free way to enjoy the benefits of a relationship without a major emotional commitment. That is, as long as both partners are on the same page.2

Disadvantages of a Situationship

A major disadvantage of a situationship is that each partner may have different expectations for the relationship. Even though both partners might agree on the dynamics when they enter the situationship, one person might grow to want more than the other is willing to give.

It can also be stressful to be in a relationship without stability or consistency. This is particularly true if you start to develop expectations of your partner, but they have not committed to meeting those expectations.

Relationship status can also contribute to your identity and play a role in social dynamics.3 So, there may be times when not having a committed partner can make you feel deficient.

Mental Health Impact of Being in a Situationship

In a situationship, neither party may be honest about what they want out of the arrangement. In some cases, one person might be content with the casual relationship type of set-up, while the other is hoping that it turns into something more.

Additionally, because situationships tend to be superficial, the partner wanting more usually does not know the other person well. This causes them to idealize their partner and, in turn, devalue themselves.

People who repeatedly find themselves in these types of relationships tend to struggle with self-worth and find themselves attracted to partners who make them feel they must earn love. This can lead to an unhealthy dynamic.

What to Do If You’re in a Situationship

If you’re in a situationship, Dr. Romanoff shares some advice that could be helpful:

• Be honest about your feelings: It’s important to be honest with yourself and to be clear about your intentions for the relationship.
• Ask for what you want: If you’re interested in a more serious relationship, consider stating how you feel about the person and asking for what you want. Either they feel the same and want to pursue a more serious relationship with you, or they don’t and you can move on and find someone who does value you. It’s always better to have an answer because it enables you to move forward.
• Avoid the passive approach: If you do want something more from the other person than a casual relationship, taking a passive approach may be more harmful than you realize. Spending time without making your intentions or needs known perpetuates the illusion that you could still have a chance but, in reality, it does little to actually change your situation.
• Communicate your position: If you are in a situationship and genuinely content with it, it is important to communicate that effectively to your partner. Communicate your needs, boundaries, and expectations from the beginning to prevent hurt feelings in the future.