Rejecting Someone Can Be Done Nicely—Here’s How

We’ve all been there—someone asks us out but we don’t feel a connection. It could be someone we’re meeting for the first time or someone we’ve been out with before. Being in this situation can be tricky and super awkward. We’ve all been on the receiving end of rejection, and it’s pretty much the worst. You don’t want to be cruel and leave the person hanging, but you don’t want to go out with them either. It’s a fine and delicate balance.

Rejection in any form can be hurtful, so the way we reject someone should come from a place of honesty and integrity, says Claudia de Llano, MA, a licensed marriage and family therapist.

If you’re wondering how to kindly reject someone, we got you. In this article, we’ll explore strategies that can help you let someone down easily.

Why It’s Important to Say “No” When You Mean It

Many people struggle to say “no” and set and maintain their boundaries in relationships, platonic or otherwise. Research shows that people generally find it hard to reject someone, even if they don’t want to date them.1 However, if you’re not feeling it, going out with someone on a pity date benefits no one.

For starters, it’s a waste of everyone’s time and energy. Although you may be humoring the other person to avoid hurting their feelings, they won’t appreciate being led on. Being clear and communicative from the start avoids confusion, preventing misunderstandings and even more hurt feelings down the line.

Besides, pretending to be interested or agreeing to something you don’t want also compromises your integrity. It’s important to be true to yourself, honest about your feelings, and stand up for your needs.

“We need to enforce our own boundaries because the treatment we receive from others starts with how we treat ourselves,” says Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD, a clinical psychologist and relationship expert.

Saying “no” and standing firm on your boundaries shows respect for yourself and the other person. “It is a clear communication of what you stand for and what you are and are not available for,” says de Llano.

How to Reject Someone

Kindly rejecting someone is easier said than done. Here are some strategies that can help you turn someone down nicely, with kindness and honesty.

If You’re Turning Down a First Date

Turning down a first date is easier if it’s not someone you know very well. You’re not too emotionally invested, so a simple and direct response will suffice. That said, a touch of kindness goes a long way. Try using these tips when turning down a first date:

• Appreciate the effort: Although you’re turning the person down, you can share your appreciation for being asked out. Saying “That’s really kind of you to ask” or “Thanks for thinking of me” can soften the blow.
• Be direct: It’s always better to be upfront about not being interested than coy. A simple “Thank you for asking, but I’m not interested in going out” works well.
• Use “I” statements: “I” statements keep the focus on you, so you’re not blaming or criticizing them. You could say “I’m not looking to date right now” or “I’m focusing on my work at the moment, and I’m not interested in pursuing a relationship” if these things are true. If you are just not interested, you can say “I don’t feel a romantic connection.”
• Keep it simple: Remember, you don’t owe them a detailed explanation. A simple and polite response is enough. “Often, less is more and ‘no’ is a complete sentence,” says Dr. Romanoff.
• Avoid mixed messages: Don’t say “Maybe another time” if you don’t mean it. Be firm to prevent future confusion. You don’t want to give them false hope by being ambiguous.
• Be respectful: Remember to treat the other person with respect and empathy. Being rejected sucks, so approach the situation with sensitivity and understanding.

If You’re Turning Down a Follow-Up Date

Turning down a follow-up date can be harder because you’ve spent some time with the person. You’re in the awkward position where they want to pursue the connection but you’re not interested. A tricky situation because you don’t want to hurt their feelings, but you don’t want to continue seeing them either.

These are some strategies that can help you turn down a follow-up date:

• Express gratitude: Begin by thanking them for the invitation and showing appreciation for the time you’ve spent together so far. For example, you could say “Thanks so much for a nice time.” This sets a positive tone for the conversation.
• Be honest: Share your feelings gently but honestly. Let them know that you enjoyed spending time together, but ultimately want to go separate ways. This may sound like, “Unfortunately, I don’t feel the connection I’m looking for but I wish you the best and hope that you find what you are seeking!”
• Offer an explanation: If you feel comfortable, briefly explain why you think it won’t work out. Remember to use “I” statements that focus on your personal preferences, rather than blaming them. “I’m just not feeling a romantic connection,” or “I’m looking for someone with shared interests.”
• Consider their feelings: Consider how the person will feel and validate their contributions in a way that lets them know you understand this may be painful for them, says de Llano. “You can acknowledge the person’s feelings and the positive impact they have made in your life, letting them know you appreciate what they have given and what you have gained.”
• Wish them well: Follow up your rejection with a kind gesture or comment to cushion the blow. For instance, you can say “I hope you understand. I wish you the best of luck in your dating life” or “I think you’re a great person and I hope you find what you’re looking for.”

Although it can be tempting to ghost someone instead of turning them down, saying “no” is better in the long run. It closes the chapter definitively, so both of you are free to move on without any lingering feelings or questions.

When It’s Okay Not to Be Nice

There’s a fine line between being nice and being a pushover.

Here are some situations where it’s appropriate to not be nice or accommodating and how you should respond instead:

• They’re not taking “no” for an answer: If someone keeps harassing you and asking you out again after you’ve clearly and definitely declined, it’s okay to be more direct and firm. “I appreciate your asking, but I’m not interested. Please don’t ask again.”
• They’re trying to manipulate you: If they try to guilt or manipulate you into a date by saying things like “Nobody else wants to go out with me,” shut it down. “That’s not my responsibility. I’m not interested, please respect that.”
• They’re crossing your boundaries: When someone is crossing or violating your boundaries, playing nice will only blur your message, says de Llano. Firmly asserting your boundaries is crucial for your well-being and self-respect. You can say, “I am not interested in any further conversation. Please don’t contact me again.” If necessary, block them across platforms.
• They’re making you uncomfortable: If the person asking you out makes you feel uncomfortable, don’t hesitate to be blunt. “No thanks, and frankly, your behavior is making me uncomfortable.” In this case, consider reporting their behavior.