Mental health awareness has expanded immensely over the past couple of decades. It’s encouraged us to get to know ourselves better and altered how we show up psychologically in our relationships. We’re finally comfortable talking about going to therapy1…and comfortable asking our prospective partners if they’re in therapy too.2 ‘Therapy speak’ even, has become part of mainstream culture, says Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD, a clinical psychologist and relationship expert. Instead of waiting until several months into dating before revealing these parts of ourselves, we’re now a lot more upfront in discussing our mental health challenges and are more likely to analyze our partners through the lenses of attachment styles, love languages, etc. People who are authentic, vulnerable, communicative, and in therapy? Yes, please! People who are closed off, afraid to get real, and derisive of mental health issues? Hard pass. This shift is helping us choose partners that we’re more compatible with and navigate relationships with better communication. However, the downside is that we might be too quick to label people or their behaviors, without giving them a fair shot. We may also face challenges when we bond with someone who has a similar diagnosis or trauma, because there may be times when our symptoms clash or make it hard to care for each other. Ultimately, there are pros and cons to this broad movement in dating culture, so let’s dig into it. 10 Things I Learned About Love in My 30s That I Wish I’d Known in My 20s How Better Mental Health Awareness Is Impacting Dating Below, we explore some of the positive ways in which increased mental health awareness is impacting dating. More People (Read: Men) Are Going to Therapy and We’re Here for It Historically, men have been less likely to acknowledge mental health issues and seek help for the complex feelings they experience.3 Men with rigid ideas of masculinity often have difficulty expressing their emotions, which can be deterrents to healthy relationships.4 However, toxic masculinity tends to be a major turn-off for many potential partners looking for more authenticity, vulnerability, and equality in their relationships. Thankfully, things have started to change. The stigma around therapy has reduced significantly, says Dr. Romanoff. And in turn, research shows us that the number of men going to therapy has been increasing steadily.5 On dating apps, a growing number of men have been signaling that they’re in therapy and open to discussing mental health issues.2 Potential partners tend to take this as a sign that the guy is more emotionally available and willing to communicate honestly. In fact, a survey found that the majority of people prefer it when their partners’ dating profiles mention therapy. We Understand Ourselves and Our Relationships Better Therapy helps us understand ourselves better. It creates a safe environment for us to explore our inner experiences, gain self-awareness, and cultivate the skills we need to be more vulnerable and authentic in relationships, says Dr. Romanoff. “The insights and skills gained in therapy tend to contribute to healthier and more meaningful relationships. For example, therapy can equip us with the skills to communicate better with our partners or help us navigate conflicts when they arise. Therapy can be a supportive space to navigate the ups and downs of a stable relationship. — SABRINA ROMANOFF, PSYD We Can Correct Harmful Patterns One of the ways that therapy helps us with romantic relationships is by helping us spot and avoid problematic patterns from childhood that tend to repeat themselves in adulthood. Typically, a major goal in therapy is to identify relationship patterns–both past and present–that occur in our world, Dr. Romanoff explains. “Therapy helps us understand the unhelpful patterns we get stuck in and teaches us how to live a healthier life beyond those problematic patterns.” For example, although the term “daddy issues” is a common punchline, it’s a term used to describe very real but often unhealthy situations where people with absent fathers might seek out partners who embody their fathers’ traits in some way. Since these relationships can sometimes be toxic, going to therapy can be a helpful way to recognize the pattern, break the cycle, and seek a more fulfilling relationship instead. We Recognize Our Attachment Styles and Love Languages Therapy also helps us understand other aspects of ourselves, such as our attachment styles and love languages. In turn, this helps us select partners who may be a better fit for us. For example, therapy can help someone with an anxious attachment style, who tends to date people with avoidant attachment styles, correct this pattern and find someone with a more secure attachment style instead. Or, therapy can help someone whose love language involves acts of service understand why they’re constantly fighting with a partner who prefers to express and receive love through words of affirmation instead. How an Anxious Attachment Style Can Impact a Relationship We’re Getting Vulnerable Sooner When we know ourselves better, we’re able to share more of ourselves with potential partners. We’re able to connect with others more deeply and the walls come down sooner. We’re often more comfortable being our authentic selves with our partners earlier on—even if that means exposing our vulnerabilities. In turn, we also get to know our partners’ truer selves earlier. As a result, the connection often feels stronger and more genuine. We’re not holding things back and wondering when to share them with our partners or praying they never find out. We’re also not wasting time with people who might not accept us for who we are. (Thanks, but no thanks!) The only downside to be wary of is being used or taken advantage of by someone who has found our vulnerabilities—whether physical, emotional, or financial. Why Vulnerability in Relationships Is So Important The Potential Pitfalls of Increased Mental Health Awareness While increased mental health awareness has had a positive influence on dating, there are some drawbacks, too. We’re Too Quick to Label One Another Sometimes, we might take ‘therapy speak’ a bit too far and play fast and loose with it in dating discourse. We might throw around terms like “toxic,” “psychopath,” “narcissist,” “love bombing,” and “gaslighting,” even though they’re not necessarily appropriate. For example, just because a relationship picks up steam quickly, doesn’t mean the person is love-bombing you. Or, just because someone comes across as self-centered, doesn’t necessarily mean they’re a card-carrying narcissist. We might end up labeling and pathologizing a person or their behavior too quickly, without taking the time to get to know them properly. Although this tendency might stem from an effort to protect ourselves, it can prevent us from connecting meaningfully with others. “While therapy can be a valuable tool, it’s important to remember that not every aspect of human behavior needs to be pathologized or seen as a mental health issue,” says Dr. Romanoff. How “Therapy Speak” Can Backfire in Real Life, According to a Therapist We Bring Our Therapists Into Our Relationships Another hazard of going to therapy is that we’ve all got our therapists living rent-free in our heads. This can sometimes play out in unhealthy relationship dynamics. For example, we may use what our therapists say to one-up our partners or try to prove them wrong. While therapy is supposed to help us navigate relationships better, it is not intended to be a weapon to attack our partners with. We May Face Challenges When Bonding Over Shared Trauma or Diagnoses Finding a partner who shares the same diagnosis or has been through similar trauma can be comforting and validating. We don’t always have to explain things to them, they just get it. And they don’t judge us, because they’re living with the same condition. However, in the long run, being with someone who has a similar condition may not be easy. We may struggle to care for them when we’re not OK, or we may be disappointed that they’re unable to care for us when they’re not OK. Our symptoms may trigger theirs, or vice versa.

Eros can be defined as a passionate love, longing and sensual desire.1 Amongst storge, philia, and agape, it forms the four types of love defined by the ancient Greeks within ancient Greek philosophy.

This article will seek to discuss the role of eros love within relationships, explore its characteristics and real-life examples, as well as its impact and practical tips for fostering it.

Introduction to Eros Love

In Ancient Greek philosophy, love was attributed and categorized into four main, distinct types — storge, philia, agape, and eros. Unlike in modern times, when the concept of “love” is used to embody a multitude of meanings, each of these four main categories is a pillar of what constitutes love.

Early understandings of eros love, specifically, generally likened it to a kind of madness or theia mania (madness from the gods).2 However, following the emergence of Plotinus (204–270 CE) and other Neoplatonist philosophers, it began to be described as “the single force” that motivated all life and was the key to creation and development.

Thus, eros was also personified within Greek mythology as the God of love and, in early legends, the firstborn light, responsible for the “fertile and creative coming into being and ordering of all things in the cosmos.”1

The Romantic, Sensual Form of Love

As mentioned above, eros love is a profound and intense affection characterized by desire, longing, and physical attraction.

“It is the type of love that ignites sparks between individuals, drawing them together in a whirlwind of emotions and sensuality,” says Dr. Sanam Hafeez, NYC Neuropsychologist and Director of Comprehend the Mind. Eros, therefore, refers explicitly to a romantic, sensual, and passionate type of love — and it is from which the term erotic is derived.

In contrast, storge refers to familial love (such as that of a parent), philia describes the love garnered from friendship, and agape to unconditional or selfless love (traditionally to God).

Characteristics of Eros Love

While eros love can be characterized by various main traits, Sarah Jeffries, MSc, mental health first aid trainer at Mental Health First Aid Course, lists the following:

• Intensity: Eros is marked by a strong, passionate desire and longing for the other person. This also includes experiencing an intense attraction to the other person and a strong desire for closeness.
• Physical Attraction: Eros often begins with physical attraction and physical intimacy. It can also be driven by beauty and the desire for physical intimacy.
• Idealization: Individuals may idealize their partners, seeing them through a ‘rose-colored glasses’ perspective.
• Urgency: There is often a sense of urgency or immediacy in the desire for connection and intimacy.
• Emotional Involvement: Despite its physical beginnings, eros can involve deep emotional connections, with partners feeling profoundly moved and affected by their relationship.

In addition to being described as pertaining to intense physical and emotional attraction, eros love is also based on mutual appreciation, respect, and understanding. “It seeks to fulfill all aspects of the relationship: physically, emotionally, and spiritually,” says Bayu Prihandito, certified psychology consultant, life coach, and Founder at Life Architekture.

Real-life Examples of Eros Love

Many examples can be given to show the unpredictability, surprise, and spontaneity of eros love. “You may meet someone unexpectedly, let’s say at a bookstore, and as random as it is, it leads to hours of conversation, flowing naturally, which eventually turns into a deep relationship,” says Prihandito.

“Another example could be two strangers on a train seated next to each other, where, instead of ignoring each other as most people do, they start a casual conversation, share their stories, snacks, and laughter, ending up losing track of time and finding a deep attraction to each other by the time the train arrives,” he adds.

People looking for examples of eros love can also find real-life examples in mainstream culture, moments referenced in film and TV, and in literature. “Think of romantic novels and films, where two people can meet in one moment and after that feel a strong and overwhelming draw toward one another that compels them to pursue a relationship with each other despite any obstacles that may stand in their way,” says Jeffries.

In addition to these, Hafeez also outlines the following common examples of eros love that people often overlook:

1. High school sweethearts: A classic example of eros love is the teenage couple who experiences intense attraction and desire for each other. They may spend hours talking on the phone, stealing kisses between classes, and feeling an overwhelming sense of infatuation and passion.
2. Newlyweds: Newly married couples often exemplify eros love as they navigate the initial stages of their relationship. They may express their love through romantic gestures, frequent displays of affection, and an insatiable desire to be close to each other.
3. Long-term partners rekindling their romance: Even in long-term relationships, couples can experience eros love. For example, partners who have been together for many years may reignite their passion through romantic dates, spontaneous gestures, and intimate moments, reminding each other of the intense attraction and desire they share.

Impact of Eros Love on Relationships

While all relationships will naturally ebb and flow in passion occasionally, eros love can be incredibly beneficial in many ways. “First, it helps people form deep emotional bonds and act as the nucleus of permanent relationships,” says Jeffries. This is beneficial as the feeling of it can considerably enrich the sexual life of the couple, as well as the general emotional bond between them.

“The dark side of eros love is that, if a relationship lacks other forms of love expanding it, it is less likely to withstand the test of time because the intensity of one’s feelings will diminish anyway,” she adds. Nevertheless, this shouldn’t be seen as an inescapable trait of eros love. After all, it is perfectly possible to enter a healthy relationship dynamic with it involved.

In addition, eros love can enhance a person’s well-being. “Eros love has been linked to improved mental and physical well-being, including reduced stress levels, increased feelings of happiness, and even better immune function due to the release of feel-good hormones like oxytocin,” says Hafeez.3

Regarding relationship satisfaction, couples experiencing eros love often report higher levels of relationship satisfaction and closeness as they share intimate moments and build strong emotional bonds. “Eros love can also influence individuals’ decision-making processes, leading them to prioritize their partner’s needs and desires above their own in some cases,” she adds. This can impact career choices, financial decisions, and lifestyle preferences.

The Role of Eros Love in Personal Growth

Eros love can also be beneficial for personal growth. It helps with making connections and bonding, aids in initiating relationships, provides motivation for commitment, and supplies emotional commitment. Additionally, it is key to building strong emotional connections through mutual growth.

Practical Tips for Fostering Eros Love

So now that the benefits of eros love have been explained, how exactly can you foster it? Well, while there are no concrete steps to follow, Hafeez recommends doing the following:

1. Prioritize intimacy: Make time for intimate moments with your partner, whether it’s through physical affection, deep conversations, or shared experiences that enhance emotional closeness.
2. Keep the romance alive: Plan romantic gestures and surprises to keep the spark alive in your relationship. This could include date nights, love letters, thoughtful gifts, or spontaneous acts of affection.
3. Communicate openly: Maintain open and honest communication with your partner about your desires, needs, and feelings. This allows you to deepen your emotional connection and better understand each other’s perspectives.
4. Explore shared interests: Discover new activities or hobbies that you both enjoy and engage in together. Sharing experiences and creating memories strengthens the bond between partners.
5. Embrace spontaneity: Be open to spontaneous moments of passion and excitement in your relationship. These unexpected gestures can reignite the flame of eros love and keep the relationship feeling fresh and dynamic.