Major depressive disorder is one of the most common mental health disorders in the United States, affecting 8.3% of adults.1 However, it isn’t always recognizable from the outside, and depression symptoms can vary significantly from person to person. This is why it’s important to keep your partner in the loop.
Your partner should be your advocate, cheerleader, and the person who knows you best. At the same time, telling them about your depression can feel awkward, uncomfortable, and stressful. Learn from experts how to communicate your feelings of depression with your partner so they can help support you.
Outline the Goals of Your Conversation
Before speaking with your partner, decide what you want from them. “Maybe you’re looking for support, compassion, or understanding,” says Jennifer Mann, LCSW, a New York City-based psychotherapist. “Once you identify why you are engaging in this discussion, you can then think of how you want to go about introducing the topic.”
Here are some questions to consider as you prepare to speak with your partner about your depression:
- How much does your partner know about depression?
- What type of reaction are you hoping for?
- What type of support do you want from them?
- Do you want to talk about this on a regular basis?
- Do you want your partner to have an active role in your treatment plan?
- What do you not want from your partner?
Decide When to Talk About Your Depression
There’s no right time to tell your partner about the depression symptoms you’re experiencing. That said, if you’re experiencing suicidal thoughts or contemplating self-harm, it’s important to notify your partner and contact a mental health professional right away.
Otherwise, if your situation isn’t urgent, you can set aside a time that works for you both. Ask your partner for at least thirty minutes. You want them to be fully focused on the conversation, so choose a time when you can be alone without distractions. This could be in the evening after your children go to sleep, or on the weekend when you don’t have other plans.
Tell Your Partner What You Want From Them
It can be helpful to provide your partner with some direction when telling them about your depression. Let them know what you want from them and how they can fulfill your needs so they aren’t left trying to decipher how to help.
Michael Wheaton, PhD, a licensed psychologist and Assistant Professor of Psychology at Barnard College of Columbia University, offers a way to begin the conversation about your depression. You could say, “Right now, I’m not looking for advice, I’m not looking for you to problem solve. I just want to connect with you emotionally and I just want you to understand what I’m experiencing.”
Bring Information About Depression With You
Depression looks and feels different for everyone. It can also coincide with many other health conditions, from diabetes and cancer to eating disorders and substance dependence.2 So, one of the best things you and your partner can do is learn about the many aspects of depression, including whether there may be an underlying cause that needs attention.
Seek to understand the signs, symptoms, and treatment options available for depression. “Educate yourself as much as you can about depression,” suggests Dr. Wheaton, and offer to share this information with your partner.
If you’re worried your partner won’t understand or will be invalidating, Dr. Wheaton recommends that you bring reputable information to the conversation. This could include statistics about depression or medical resources that explain what depression is, what it looks like, and how it feels.
How you bring up the conversation—and how you continue it—depends on the dynamic of the relationship. But giving your partner information about this mental health condition allows them the opportunity to better understand what you’re going through.
Make Them Part of Your Depression Treatment Plan
Maybe this is the first time you’ve felt this way or you’re experiencing a depression relapse. Regardless, keep your partner informed of your feelings and your plan to address the depression. You may feel you can handle this mental health disorder on your own, but you don’t have to. And you shouldn’t.
Treating depression effectively often involves taking antidepressant medications, engaging in psychotherapy, or both.3 If you have moderate or severe depression, or if the depression is treatment-resistant, other treatments may be needed to ease your depression symptoms.
If you’re working with a mental health professional, such as a therapist or counselor, consider ways in which your partner can participate. This is especially helpful if they’re struggling to understand your depression and how it’s impacting your daily habits and behavior.
If positive activity scheduling or behavioral activation is included in your plan, Dr. Wheaton suggests asking your partner to support you however possible. They can accompany you on morning walks, for instance, or help you schedule regular meals and establish a routine sleep/wake cycle.
You could also ask your partner to attend a couple’s therapy session, which could be beneficial for both of you. At the very least, this joint session would allow the partner more insight into your experience.
Keep the Conversation Going
Individuals with depression can experience changing moods and energy levels.4 This is why it’s critical to maintain strong levels of communication with your partner, letting them know how you feel at the moment. For healthy couples, the conversation will likely bring you closer together.
Talking to your partner about your depression can be a powerful way to not only increase your communication with your partner, but also strengthen your bond.
Telling your partner shouldn’t change the relationship, says Dr. Wheaton, but they might not know how to respond. If they’re saying, “I don’t know how to act around you,” or “I don’t want to say the wrong thing,” you can let them know, “I don’t necessarily feel supported,” or “I wish we could connect better around this.”
If You Get a Negative Response to Your Depression Discussion
Every relationship is unique and what works for one couple might not work for another. If your partner is not offering support, this is not a reflection of you or your experience. They may not understand the complications of depression or how to help you, or they may think they’re helping you when in reality they’re making the situation more difficult.
A negative response or lack of support could cause problems in the relationship, but this isn’t because of the depression. This may be a sign that the relationship isn’t as strong as it could be.
“Your health should be the top priority,” says Ankur Desai, MD, Medical Director at AmeriHealth Caritas. So, regardless of your partner’s response, you still want to consider seeking mental health treatment for your depression. “Healthy emotional functioning is needed to successfully manage life’s demands,” says Dr. Desai.
Summary
Your depression has a direct impact on your partner. They may be wondering why you’re irritable on occasion, why you haven’t been engaged in your favorite activities, or why you’re struggling at work.
Talking about your feelings may not be enjoyable but it’s beneficial for your mental health. You may be surprised by how much better you feel when your partner knows about the feelings you’ve been harboring. Best of all, they can act as your support system when you seek and undergo treatment for depression, making it worth the conversation.