It starts out little by little. You cancel a date night with your partner or spouse to stay late at work. When you get home, you’re too tired to talk, so you sit in front of the TV until it’s time for bed. Soon, there’s no kiss goodbye when one of you leaves the house. You look up one day and feel completely disconnected from your partner.
“Disconnection between couples often happens gradually which can make it difficult to spot in the moment, but at one point a couple will begin to realize something is missing, physical intimacy has ceased, or each partner can’t even recall the last time they asked each other about their day,” notes Rachel Goldberg, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Founder of Rachel Goldberg Therapy.
All couples have times where they don’t feel quite as connected. But the absence of intimacy and romantic feelings can leave you feeling less like marriage partners, and more like roommates.
Hence, we’re unpacking what it means when you’ve hit the “roommate phase” in your relationship and what steps you can take to rekindle the connection.
How Do You Know You’re in the Roommate Phase?
People talk about the “seven-year itch.” It usually refers to a period of restlessness or discontent in the seventh year of marriage. It happens when one spouse begins to feel bored with the monotony of marriage or bored with feeling settled into a comfortable routine.
When that happens, you may begin to spend large amounts of time apart from your spouse, see a breakdown in meaningful communication, and experience a decrease in physical intimacy.1 Their interest in each other’s personal lives wanes, and they become two people sharing a common space —much like roommates.
“The roommate phase refers to a period in a marriage where partners feel more like cohabitants than a couple deeply in love,” Goldberg says. “Over time, routine and monotony often set in, diminishing the excitement in the romantic aspect of their relationship.”
The ”seven-year itch” is not the only issue that can leave marriage partners feeling like roommates. The experience can happen at any time in a marriage, with a variety of factors contributing to it, including:
- Outside stressors, from workplace issues to other family members
- Focus on the care of children
- Irritation with the behaviors or actions of your marriage partner
- Financial strain
- Unresolved marital conflicts
Once those feelings of dissatisfaction start to creep in, feelings of disconnection with your spouse soon follow. The relationship can slowly start to erode, with neither spouse wanting to put the time or interest into nurturing the emotional intimacy that the marriage needs.
The roommate phase refers to a period in a marriage where partners feel more like cohabitants than a couple deeply in love…Over time, routine and monotony often set in, diminishing the excitement in the romantic aspect of their relationship.
“Partners may begin to harbor resentment towards each other, resulting in frequent arguments or avoidance of meaningful communication,” notes Goldberg. The situation can also take a toll on your
mental health.
“Additionally, disconnection results in feelings of anxiety, depression, or a desire to seek fulfillment outside of the marriage,” Goldberg adds.
If you’re experiencing any of these things in your relationship, it’s good to take stock of what’s happening between you and your spouse, and why.
Take Time to Reflect on Your Relationship
Sensing that something is off in your marriage is one thing. Being able to pinpoint the issue and figure out if you’re headed toward the roommate phase is another.
Audrey Schoen, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, says examining your actions and motives can help give you a clearer picture. She recommends asking yourself the following questions:
“Is your partner the first person you want to share news (good or bad) with? Or do you feel like you won’t get the response you need from them? Does it feel safer to just not ask them for things that you want or need? Is it easier to do everything yourself rather than ask for your partner’s participation?” she asks.
In addition to considering those questions, you can make a list of things that concern you about your marriage and be honest with yourself about your feelings toward those issues—and your spouse. Own the fact that for you, something is missing.
When you start to feel like your needs aren’t being met in your marriage, it can cause you to withdraw. But avoiding your spouse, or pretending the tension between you isn’t there, won’t help the situation. In fact, it makes it worse. It’s important to address the situation head-on.
Once you acknowledge the problem, you can both start working toward a solution.
Steps to Rebuilding Your Intimate Connnection
Growing apart and feeling like roommates didn’t happen overnight. And neither will reconnection. It takes time and effort to work toward a fulfilling, engaging, intimate relationship with your spouse.
Step 1: Acknowledge the Problem
You know there’s an issue; now you need to bring it to the forefront. Both you and your spouse need to discuss what’s happening between you.
“The way one would want to address this disconnect is to make sure to bring it up during a non-stressful time and where distractions are unlikely to arise. The conversation should focus on how the person has been feeling as opposed to how the other person’s behavior or lack thereof is creating a distancing atmosphere,” Goldberg advises.
The hope is that both partners will be able to acknowledge that there is a problem, have an interest and investment in addressing it, and commit to working on it together.
Step 2: Take Steps to Rebuild Connection
You and your partner can acknowledge the problem all day, but if you don’t make a concerted effort to change certain behaviors, well, nothing is going to get better. Luckily, there are lots of easy and practical actions you can take.
Maybe you set a reminder on your phone to reach out to your spouse with a loving, thoughtful, or flirty text each day. When your partner gets home after a day of work or is home with the kids all day, make a point of sharing what you appreciate about them and asking how their day went—then actively listen to the response. Ask follow-up questions, so your partner knows that you are invested and connected with them.
Physically, you can make a point of touching your partner each day. It can be something as simple as a touch on the shoulder, a hug or kiss, holding hands, or even giving your spouse a gentle shoulder or foot massage. Small touches go a long way in rebuilding your connection.
We know, some of these strategies might feel forced when you first start out, but the more you practice and reinforce intimate behaviors the more organic it will feel. The intention is to rebuild or strengthen a foundation of connection and intimacy and feelings of mutual warmth, appreciation, love, and care.
You may also find that a lot of hurt, pain, and resentment have built a wall between you and your spouse. If talking about the problem and putting strategies to work isn’t making a difference, you may need to get professional help.
“A skilled couples therapist can help couples identify the underling processes that are driving these conflict, and heal them at the root. This not only provides deeper connection for the couples but can heal old wounds and traumas for each partner as well,” Schoen says.
Step 3: Spend Time Together, Seriously
It might sound so obvious, but having dedicated, uninterrupted, quality time with your spouse is a critical part of reconnecting and moving out of the roommate phase of the relationship. Your activities don’t have to be elaborate or expensive, but rather a time that you are focused fully on being present with each other.
With the busyness of life, carving out time to spend with your spouse takes effort and intention. Here are some tips to make it easier:
- Putting your scheduled time with your spouse on your calendar, like you would for a meeting. “Set aside dedicated time without distractions, such as no kids, no phones, and no TV. Have an agenda of activities or topics to discuss,” Goldberg says.
- Have each spouse pick an activity to do once a month. Bowling, board games, movies, karaoke night, and trying different restaurants are all fun options.
- Learn a new skill together. Go to a cooking class, try a paint-and-sip activity, or take a dance class.
- Decide to get in shape together. Take up power walking, attend a Zumba class, or join a gym and go to sessions together.
Even as you work to reconnect, be mindful that you won’t always agree. Learn to handle issues in a healthy way. “After a conflict, take time to consider how you contributed to the fight, then go let your partner know and apologize. When each person calls themselves out, it opens the door to increased openness and vulnerability in the future,” states Schoen.
Identify the problem, communicate with your spouse, seek out healthy solutions for conflict, and enjoy time with them in the process. Every relationship takes work. But if you’re willing to put in the effort to go from having a roommate situation to a loving marriage, the work can be well worth it.