How to Recognize Emotional Blackmail and Protect Yourself

We all have that one person in our lives who pushes all our buttons. You know the one—they’re an expert at guilt trips, and instead of supporting our choices, they make us feel bad for putting our own needs first.

It could be a parent, partner, friend, or colleague—anyone who uses our emotions against us to get us to do what they want, even if it’s not the best thing for us.1

This type of behavior is known as emotional blackmail. A form of emotional abuse, emotional blackmail is a manipulation technique people use to assert power and control in relationships, says Ashley Peña, LCSW, Executive Director at Mission Connection.

Recognizing Emotional Blackmail

Emotional blackmail can take many forms. Here are some of the different emotional blackmail tactics to watch out for.

Silent Treatment

The person might stonewall you and give you the silent treatment when you don’t do what they want.2 This is a passive-aggressive communication tactic that people use to gain the upper-hand.

For example, the person may stop talking to you or responding to your calls and texts. Although it doesn’t sound like such a big deal, it can be incredibly frustrating when it’s someone important to you.

Guilt Trips

The person may lay on a big, fat guilt trip, making you feel bad about prioritizing your own wants or needs above theirs. They may make you feel indebted to them, like you owe them something, even if that’s not necessarily the case.

For example, a parent or family member who doesn’t approve of your life choices may say something along the lines of: “After everything we’ve done for you, this is how you repay us?”

This tactic plays on our desire to please others. Those of us who are empaths may be particularly susceptible to guilt trips.

Manipulation

Emotional blackmail can be pretty toxic, especially when it enters the realm of manipulation. The person may, for example, play the victim card in a given situation, making it seem like they’re suffering because of something you did, even when that is clearly not the case.

For example, a co-worker might say, “I can’t believe you won’t cover my shift. Now I’ll have to work late, and it’s all your fault.”

Exaggeration

The person might magnify their problems and try to make you feel responsible for their troubles, in order to get you to do what they want.

For example, Peña explains that a parent might say something like: “If you do that again, you’re going to be the reason why I lose my job and then we will have nothing.”

Shaming

The person might call you out about something in front of others to pressure you into doing what they want.

For example, if you made a small mistake in a memo, a colleague might make a big deal about it in a team meeting and use it to discredit your ideas.

Threat and Ultimatums

The person may threaten you or issue ultimatums if you don’t do what they want. You might feel like you have no choice but to do as they ask.

According to Peña, these are some threatening behaviors to watch out for:

• Threatening punishment in effort to control you
• Threatening to hurt themselves or claiming they will be unable to function without you
• Threatening to make you face the consequences of their misfortunes

For instance, if you want to leave your marriage, your spouse may emotionally blackmail you into staying by saying: “If you leave me, I’ll make sure I get the kids, then you’ll be all alone.” Or, they might even say something like “You can’t leave me, I won’t survive a day without you.”

Effective emotional blackmail often plays on some of our biggest fears—the blackmailer often knows where we are most vulnerable.

The Impact of Emotional Blackmail

Research shows us that emotional blackmail can be just as harmful as physical abuse because it can be mentally and emotionally scarring.3

In relationships, emotional blackmail is a form of abuse that can cause us to live in a constant state of guilt and fear, leading to depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, lack of identity and integrity, and difficulty connecting with other people, Peña explains.

In the workplace, emotional blackmail can cause us to give in to unreasonable demands and severely compromise our mental and physical well-being.4

Emotionally blackmailing children can affect the development of their core beliefs in a way that negatively impacts their relationships and careers in adulthood, Peña adds.

Addressing Emotional Blackmail

These are some strategies that can help you address emotional blackmail:

• Spot the red flags: The first step is to recognize problematic behavior and red flags. If it doesn’t seem like something is in your best interests, it probably isn’t.
• Stay cool: Although it can be difficult when you’re facing down an emotional blackmailer, keeping your cool can help you stay in control of the situation. Reacting emotionally just gives them what they want.
• Remember that you’re in control of your choices: Remind yourself that you’re not responsible for someone else’s problems. You have the right to make the choices that are best for you, without feeling guilty about it. Don’t let guilt or fear drive your decisions.
• Share your perspective neutrally: Use “I feel” statements to share your feelings and needs without pointing fingers. For example, instead of saying “You’re making me feel guilty,” try “I feel uncomfortable when you use guilt to get your way.”
• Know when to walk away: Ask yourself whether the relationship is healthy. If it’s taking a toll on your mental and emotional well-being, it may not be. It’s important to recognize when it’s time to walk away from a toxic relationship.
• Limit your exposure to the person: Sometimes, creating physical or emotional distance is the best way to protect yourself. You can also block them on social media, if they’re using digital platforms to manipulate you.
• Find a shoulder to lean on: Talk to a trusted friend or family member about what’s going on. They can provide advice and emotional support, which can be incredibly helpful when you’re dealing with emotional manipulation.
• Seek support: Navigating emotional abuse can be extremely challenging, so it can be helpful to seek the support of a mental healthcare professional, says Peña.
• Prioritize self-care: Self-care is key. Whether it’s hitting the gym, taking some downtime, spending time with the fam, or cooking your favorite meal, do what you need to do to take care of yourself.

These are some tips that can help you set boundaries to protect yourself against someone who uses emotional blackmail:

• Identify your boundaries: First things first, you need to know what your boundaries are. Take some time to reflect on what you’re comfortable with and what crosses the line for you.
• Assert yourself: Use clear, concise, and assertive language to express your limits. For example, you can say, “I don’t appreciate when you guilt-trip me and I won’t give in to it.”
• Lay out the consequences: Let the person know the consequences of crossing your boundaries. For instance, you could say “If you continue to try to manipulate me, I will walk away from this conversation.”
• Stick to your guns: Once you’ve set your boundaries, it’s important to show the person you mean business by sticking to them. Don’t waver or compromise when they test you.

Conclusion

We know that emotional blackmail can be stressful and overwhelming. However, it’s important to stand up for yourself and set boundaries so that the person can’t manipulate you anymore.

Remember that you’re in charge of your life and your decisions, and no one can scare you or guilt you into doing something you don’t want to do. Although it can be difficult to walk away from a toxic situation, loved ones and mental health professionals can be a source of support and strength to rely on during this process.