Some of us have an easy time believing and understanding that other people love us even when they aren’t physically present, and for others, that idea can feel hard to fathom. The notion of being able to have faith in how others feel about us is called emotional permanence.
At a Glance
Emotional permanence is exactly that—a permanent state of emotion—something we trust to not change even when we aren’t presented with it at a given moment. We learn object permanence as part of our cognitive development—that is, the idea that if you close your eyes right now, you will understand that your device is still there in front of you, even though you can’t see it.
Emotional permanence may not come as naturally to everyone, so it’s important to learn how you can begin to cultivate it in your life. With introspection and building trust in your relationships, you can become more comfortable and confident that your loved ones do in fact love you, even when they aren’t saying it.
What Is Emotional Permanence?
Do you find yourself wondering about how other people feel about you when you’re not around them? Are you concerned that your partner(s), friends, or even family members don’t love you as much as they say they do? When your loved ones aren’t there to tell and show you how they feel about you, do you doubt their feelings and worry about your relationship? Do you feel like when people are out of your sight, you are likely out of their mind? If so, you may be lacking emotional permanence.
If you don’t ever bother thinking about how others feel about you when you aren’t with them, you may either have a strong sense of emotional permanence already or it may not be a big factor in your life. “Emotional permanence is when you can maintain certainty that your partner or other loved ones cares about you even when you are not in their presence or when they are not actively telling you that they care about you,” says Dr. Patrice Le Goy. She adds that “it is the ability to regulate your emotions and not be swept away by doubt and insecurity.”
Emotional permanence can be considered a more specialized version of object permanence. That’s when you understand that things in your world still exist even if you can’t see them. In much the same vein, emotional permanence is the knowledge that feelings are real even when the person who has them isn’t right in front of you.
Some people are prone to having a harder time with these abstract concepts, such as how people with borderline personality disorder have been shown to lack object permanence.1 Additionally, people with an anxious attachment style may have a difficult time establishing emotional permanence.
Emotional Permanence in Personal Growth & Mental Health
The biggest sign that you have a sense of emotional permanence is that you don’t spend a lot of time feeling deeply concerned about how others feel about you, particularly those who have already expressed that they love you. This is important for our mental health because, as Le Goy tells us, “emotional permanence gives you a steady foundation from which to build and make positive changes where needed.”
It will be much easier for you to move through life in a positive and growing manner if you have a sense of believing that you are loved by those around you. The experience of solid emotional well-being has been correlated in studies with the presence of love in our everyday lives.2
What Are Signs of Emotional Permanence?
Perhaps you are unsure whether or not you have a sense of emotional permanence. Here are some signs of it; if you find that they fit you, then this is probably not an issue for you. However, if you don’t resonate with these ideas, you may be lacking in emotional permanence.
- You don’t need constant emotional validation from your loved ones
- Reassurance is nice if it happens naturally from others, but you don’t seek it out
- You feel settled and secure in your relationships
- Your emotions are stable and don’t fluctuate endlessly
- It’s easy for you to regulate your emotions
- You feel overall happy and positive about life
- “Doomsday thinking” isn’t something you engage in
What Does it Mean to Lack Emotional Permanence?
Lacking emotional permanence means that you are not secure in how others feel about you unless they are actively telling you—and even then, you might not believe them. Lacking emotional permanence can look like the following.
- You don’t trust how others feel when they aren’t there
- Validation and reassurance are strong needs for you
- Your emotions are unstable
- You engage in doomsday thinking
- Regulating your emotions is a challenge
- Your feelings fluctuate a lot
- It’s hard for you to believe how others feel about you
- You lack trust in others
How Do You Develop Emotional Permanence?
Luckily, even if you are lacking in emotional permanence there are many ways to strengthen it. They are centered around personal growth, and you might find that you have the easiest time with this with a therapist.
Introspection
The first step to changing your lack of emotional permanence is understanding why you’re missing it in the first place. “If someone has difficulty with emotional permanence, they can begin to build it by first understanding why they question their loved ones’ loyalty and dedication,” explains Le Goy. Spend time, either on your own or with a therapist, gaining a stronger understanding of your own feelings and beliefs. From there, it’s possible to change them.
Trust Building
Learning how to trust yourself and others is key to gaining emotional permanence. “People can cultivate emotional permanence by learning to trust themselves and ensure that they are building relationships with people who are also trustworthy and honest,” says Le Goy. Take small steps in establishing trust, and reassure yourself as frequently as needed.
Relearning Attachment Style
Emotional permanence can be impacted by how you were parented. If you were brought up in a manner that led you to be anxiously attached, that needs to be addressed. “If someone had inconsistent or neglectful caregivers growing up, it would make sense that it is challenging to believe that people can be consistently loving and caring,” says Le Goy. She tells us that “people who had these issues to consider can benefit from gaining insight around it, perhaps going to therapy and re-parenting themselves.”
This final step in establishing emotional permanence is very important. Le Goy explains that that’s because “this is when people “fill in the gaps” for themselves and take care of themselves and their needs in the way that we wish our caregivers had done for us when we were young.”
Take Our Free Attachment Style Quiz
If you are curious about what your attachment style may be, take our quick free attachment quiz to find out
The Positive Impact of Emotional Awareness
Having a strong sense of emotional permanence benefits us across the board. Knowing that we feel secure in our relationships further enables us to relax and enjoy life. “If we have emotional permanence, we can feel less anxious and insecure in our relationships and in our lives in general,” explains Le Goy.
This sense of reassurance can lead to us to move forward in our lives with faith and confidence. “Being confident that you are valued by those that you love can inspire us to be brave and take calculated risks in all areas of our lives,” she says.
Practical Tips for Managing & Expressing Emotions
If you struggle with managing your emotions, there are steps you can take to better get them under control. Le Goy cites introspection as a key way to gain deeper understanding of what’s going on with ourselves. “A large part of managing emotions in healthy ways is not just about finding solutions, but also finding the reasons why we are struggling with certain issues,’ she says. Additionally, “being able to search and seek to understand ourselves without judgment can go a long way in managing our emotions.”
It may take time for you to suss out why you feel the way you do about different things, and that’s ok. There’s no timeline for this work. From there, we can move forward. “Once we are very open with ourselves about how we got here, then we can search for healthy coping mechanisms to replace unhealthy practices—such as going for a walk outside instead of sitting at home worrying about our problems, journaling rather than venting to unsupportive people, etc,” Le Goy tells us.
The Journey Towards Emotional Permanence & Emotional Health
Because a lack of emotional permanence can be so deeply rooted in our past and our upbringing, we can’t expect that the journey to achieving it will be a fast one. However, it’s completely possible to improve our overall emotional health, and cultivating a sense of emotional permanence is no exception to that.
By examining how we developed the patterns we have, then looking into changing them, we can become more secure. From there, we can find ourselves happier and healthier in our relationships.