Common emotional experiences such as anger, frustration, sadness, or anxiety can impact well-being and decision-making. In fact, research suggests emotional experiences can both offer beneficial drives for decision making but can also undermine or harm decision-making.1
“When it comes to problem solving, emotions that run high or are intense may not enable us to be mindful,” says Deborah Serani, PsyD, professor at Adelphi University and author of “Sometimes When I’m Worried.”
However, if you have big, overwhelming emotions and can summon reasoning to regulate your wishes, behaviors and thoughts, she says, you’re likely to experience greater well-being with the choices you make.
Why Can’t I Control My Own Emotions?
Anytime a person acts before they think, Serani says it can become difficult to control emotions. She says happy, exciting, and great moments can interfere with decision making, and so can negative and aggressive emotions like anger, sadness, rage, frustration, prejudice, and more.
“The key is to acknowledge your feelings, but to also invite reflection to be part of your process. There’s a saying, ‘go with your heart, but take your head with you,’” Serani says.
She adds that impulsivity, catastrophizing, and avoidance can impact the ability to control emotions, noting that risk taking, avoidant behaviors and cognitive distortions increase stress hormones that cause tension, irritability and agitation.2
“And they also ignite anxiety and insecurity. Regrettably, these approaches make us feel helpless and hopeless. And many find themselves unable to find emotional stability,” Serani says.
Can I Control My Own Emotions?
The answer to this is yes and no, says Natalie Christine Dattilo, PhD, clinical psychologist and instructor of psychology at Harvard Medical School.
“Our feelings are spontaneous and involuntary, which means they happen automatically and reflexively, like a knee-jerk response. What we can control is what we do with them when they happen,” she says.
Controlling emotions looks like “turning down the volume” on their intensity and “changing the channel” to a different emotion when necessary, Dattilo explains.
However, what often happens is we shame and criticize ourselves for having unpleasant emotions, which essentially turns up the volume, making ourselves feel even worse
Strategies for Emotional Regulation
The following are ways to help regulate your emotions.
Get in Touch With Your Emotional Fluency
Emotional intelligence refers to the ability to understand and manage your own emotions,
and recognize the emotions of others. While the phrase emotional intelligence is commonly
used, Dattilo prefers to use emotional “fluency.”
“Intelligence implies you either have it or you don’t. Fluency is something you gain with practice, like learning a new language,” she says.
She adds that feelings are a form of “communication,” which also fits better with the idea of fluency.
“Our feelings are designed to tell us something [and get our attention], it’s our job to decipher what that is. Our emotions alert us to something important, something potentially threatening, or something interesting and exciting. They aren’t necessarily ‘good’ or ‘bad,’ although we
tend to label them that way,” Dattilo explains.
As you gain fluency of your emotions, they become less confusing and difficult to understand, and you learn what to do with them, she says.
Turn Your Attention Outward
While feelings are real, they are intangible. When feelings are intense, Dattilo says focus on something tangible and physical. She recommends pressing your hands together gently or putting your hand on your chest and feeling yourself breathing and heartbeat.
Turning on music is another overlooked and simple tool for emotion regulation, she notes.
“Music can be uplifting, energizing, soothing, relaxing. It can change your mood in an instant,” says Dattilo.
Practice Self-Care Activities
Exercising, getting adequate sleep, eating nutritious foods, and engaging in hobbies can support emotional well-being and regulate intense emotions and build social and emotional learning, says Serani.
“Studies have long shown that tending to your mind, body and soul in these ways will deepen
your attunement to yourself and help with self-regulation,” she says.3
Engage in Inner Work Exercises
Expressive arts like journaling and blogging, attending support groups, and seeking out psychotherapy can help process emotions and gain insight into underlying causes for strong emotions, says Serani.
“One of the additional benefits is these experiences can help root out some of the triggers, traumas, or unresolved patterns that set off overwhelming emotions,” she notes.
Identify Triggers That Heighten Emotions
Although triggers like certain situations or people are highly unpleasant and it’s natural to avoid them, Dattilo says identifying your triggers can give you the best opportunities to apply an alternative response to them.
“Practice helps us build and strengthen emotion regulation skills like breathing and reframing so that they are available and useful to us when we need them, in real time,” she says.
Constructive Communication
The following are assertive communication techniques to help you express emotions effectively, listen actively, and assert boundaries while maintaining respect and empathy.
Retreat From Hostile Conversation
Recognize that you do not have to engage in a conversation with someone who is becoming hostile. Dattilo suggests saying, “This conversation is important, and I can tell I’m/you’re becoming upset. I think we should step away from it for a bit.”
However, set aside time to revisit the conversation rather than ignore or avoid it.
Returning to a conversation after a pause can strengthen a relationship, not returning to it can weaken one.
Avoid Accusatory words
Instead of accusing someone of something general like being mean, Dattilo says get your point across by using language with the framework of: “When you ‘x’, I feel ‘y.’”
“For example, ‘When you look at your phone during dinner, I feel ignored and unimportant. Can we talk to each other instead?’” she says.
Give Others a Turn at Talking
Serani suggests giving other people in the conversation an uninterrupted amount of time to share their thoughts and feelings.
“Generally, five minutes or under is a good time clock measure,” she says.
While listening, make sure not to speak and aim to hear what others are saying.
“By the way, the word listen contains the same letters as the word silent,” says Serani.
Compose Yourself Before Talking
When it’s your time to talk, Serani suggests breathing deeply and trying to reduce stress reactions.
“This way, if your emotions are running high, you can invite the cognitive parts of your brain to help with reasoning,” she says.
Look for Middle Ground
Trying to find areas of agreement is a way to keep the conversation respectful. For example, Dattilo suggests using statements like “Can we agree to discuss this later?” or “Can we agree that arguing is not going to solve anything tonight and try to figure out a better way tomorrow?”
“Asking for agreement also helps your partner feel like they can ‘buy in’ to any potential solution reached,” she says.
Recap
Emotions get the best of everyone sometimes. However, learning to regulate your emotions is something that can be developed and improved with practice, patience, and self-compassion. With each difficult situation that puts your emotions to the test, embrace it as an opportunity to grow and improve your emotional fluency.