Mental health awareness has expanded immensely over the past couple of decades. It’s encouraged us to get to know ourselves better and altered how we show up psychologically in our relationships.
We’re finally comfortable talking about going to therapy1…and comfortable asking our prospective partners if they’re in therapy too.2 ‘Therapy speak’ even, has become part of mainstream culture, says Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD, a clinical psychologist and relationship expert.
Instead of waiting until several months into dating before revealing these parts of ourselves, we’re now a lot more upfront in discussing our mental health challenges and are more likely to analyze our partners through the lenses of attachment styles, love languages, etc.
People who are authentic, vulnerable, communicative, and in therapy? Yes, please! People who are closed off, afraid to get real, and derisive of mental health issues? Hard pass. This shift is helping us choose partners that we’re more compatible with and navigate relationships with better communication.
However, the downside is that we might be too quick to label people or their behaviors, without giving them a fair shot. We may also face challenges when we bond with someone who has a similar diagnosis or trauma, because there may be times when our symptoms clash or make it hard to care for each other.
Ultimately, there are pros and cons to this broad movement in dating culture, so let’s dig into it.
How Better Mental Health Awareness Is Impacting Dating
Below, we explore some of the positive ways in which increased mental health awareness is impacting dating.
More People (Read: Men) Are Going to Therapy and We’re Here for It
Historically, men have been less likely to acknowledge mental health issues and seek help for the complex feelings they experience.3 Men with rigid ideas of masculinity often have difficulty expressing their emotions, which can be deterrents to healthy relationships.4 However, toxic masculinity tends to be a major turn-off for many potential partners looking for more authenticity, vulnerability, and equality in their relationships.
Thankfully, things have started to change. The stigma around therapy has reduced significantly, says Dr. Romanoff. And in turn, research shows us that the number of men going to therapy has been increasing steadily.5
On dating apps, a growing number of men have been signaling that they’re in therapy and open to discussing mental health issues.2 Potential partners tend to take this as a sign that the guy is more emotionally available and willing to communicate honestly. In fact, a survey found that the majority of people prefer it when their partners’ dating profiles mention therapy.
We Understand Ourselves and Our Relationships Better
Therapy helps us understand ourselves better. It creates a safe environment for us to explore our inner experiences, gain self-awareness, and cultivate the skills we need to be more vulnerable and authentic in relationships, says Dr. Romanoff. “The insights and skills gained in therapy tend to contribute to healthier and more meaningful relationships.
For example, therapy can equip us with the skills to communicate better with our partners or help us navigate conflicts when they arise.
Therapy can be a supportive space to navigate the ups and downs of a stable relationship.
We Can Correct Harmful Patterns
One of the ways that therapy helps us with romantic relationships is by helping us spot and avoid problematic patterns from childhood that tend to repeat themselves in adulthood.
Typically, a major goal in therapy is to identify relationship patterns–both past and present–that occur in our world, Dr. Romanoff explains. “Therapy helps us understand the unhelpful patterns we get stuck in and teaches us how to live a healthier life beyond those problematic patterns.”
For example, although the term “daddy issues” is a common punchline, it’s a term used to describe very real but often unhealthy situations where people with absent fathers might seek out partners who embody their fathers’ traits in some way. Since these relationships can sometimes be toxic, going to therapy can be a helpful way to recognize the pattern, break the cycle, and seek a more fulfilling relationship instead.
We Recognize Our Attachment Styles and Love Languages
Therapy also helps us understand other aspects of ourselves, such as our attachment styles and love languages. In turn, this helps us select partners who may be a better fit for us.
For example, therapy can help someone with an anxious attachment style, who tends to date people with avoidant attachment styles, correct this pattern and find someone with a more secure attachment style instead.
Or, therapy can help someone whose love language involves acts of service understand why they’re constantly fighting with a partner who prefers to express and receive love through words of affirmation instead.
We’re Getting Vulnerable Sooner
When we know ourselves better, we’re able to share more of ourselves with potential partners. We’re able to connect with others more deeply and the walls come down sooner.
We’re often more comfortable being our authentic selves with our partners earlier on—even if that means exposing our vulnerabilities. In turn, we also get to know our partners’ truer selves earlier.
As a result, the connection often feels stronger and more genuine. We’re not holding things back and wondering when to share them with our partners or praying they never find out. We’re also not wasting time with people who might not accept us for who we are. (Thanks, but no thanks!)
The only downside to be wary of is being used or taken advantage of by someone who has found our vulnerabilities—whether physical, emotional, or financial.
The Potential Pitfalls of Increased Mental Health Awareness
While increased mental health awareness has had a positive influence on dating, there are some drawbacks, too.
We’re Too Quick to Label One Another
Sometimes, we might take ‘therapy speak’ a bit too far and play fast and loose with it in dating discourse. We might throw around terms like “toxic,” “psychopath,” “narcissist,” “love bombing,” and “gaslighting,” even though they’re not necessarily appropriate.
For example, just because a relationship picks up steam quickly, doesn’t mean the person is love-bombing you. Or, just because someone comes across as self-centered, doesn’t necessarily mean they’re a card-carrying narcissist.
We might end up labeling and pathologizing a person or their behavior too quickly, without taking the time to get to know them properly. Although this tendency might stem from an effort to protect ourselves, it can prevent us from connecting meaningfully with others.
“While therapy can be a valuable tool, it’s important to remember that not every aspect of human behavior needs to be pathologized or seen as a mental health issue,” says Dr. Romanoff.
We Bring Our Therapists Into Our Relationships
Another hazard of going to therapy is that we’ve all got our therapists living rent-free in our heads. This can sometimes play out in unhealthy relationship dynamics.
For example, we may use what our therapists say to one-up our partners or try to prove them wrong. While therapy is supposed to help us navigate relationships better, it is not intended to be a weapon to attack our partners with.
We May Face Challenges When Bonding Over Shared Trauma or Diagnoses
Finding a partner who shares the same diagnosis or has been through similar trauma can be comforting and validating. We don’t always have to explain things to them, they just get it. And they don’t judge us, because they’re living with the same condition.
However, in the long run, being with someone who has a similar condition may not be easy. We may struggle to care for them when we’re not OK, or we may be disappointed that they’re unable to care for us when they’re not OK. Our symptoms may trigger theirs, or vice versa.