Dating Over 40? 9 Expert-Approved Tips for Putting Yourself Back Out There

Dating over 40 looks undeniably different than dating in your 20s, or even 30s. Society tells us we’re supposed to have found “the one” when we’re young (whatever that means) but that’s nonsense! Everyone has their own path when it comes to finding love—there is no right or wrong time frame. Granted, our lives beyond 40 are almost always more complex and we need to be mindful throughout the process.

You’re more likely to have children and have experienced breakups, divorces, illnesses, and similar challenges by this time. There’s more baggage, but you also bring a rich life experience and hopefully a more secure sense of self. We totally get that there’s anxiety that comes with putting yourself out there at this age, but it’s important to remember that it’s never too late to find love at any age. And dating should be fun!

The key is staying true to yourself and your needs and being patient.

Give Yourself Time After the End of a Relationship

This first tip can’t be overstated. It’s important to treat yourself to adequate self-care after a relationship ends. You might even want to date yourself. The point is to take a pause. Then ask yourself if you’re ready to date or if you maybe need more time. Sometimes people want to replace a partner prematurely and rebounding does no one any favors.

Here are some less-than-desirable reasons you might be looking to jump into the dating pool right away:

• You’re lonely and you want to fill a void.
• You want to get revenge on your ex for cheating on you.
• You want to prove something to others.
• You’ve never been on your own before.
• You need to be part of a couple to socialize with your couple friends.
• You’re focused on moving ahead, but haven’t processed your emotions yet.
• You want to fast-track over the emotional pain because it’s too, well, painful.

Make sure you’ve given yourself an opportunity to grieve and heal. During emotional times, sometimes we’re not clear on what exactly we’re feeling. It’s good to know who you are now and what you seek in a romantic partner at this stage of your life before you begin dating again. Seek out a therapist to help you if you need guidance.

Identify Your Relationship Goals

So you’ve decided you’re ready for companionship again, but what exactly do you want that to look like? After a marriage or long-term relationship ends, one single person on a dating site might want to hang out and have a casual relationship, but another might want to have a child within the next year with a committed partner.

Along these same lines, you’ll also want to consider what kind of lifestyle is important to you and how the type of relationship you’re looking for will fit into that. Ivy Kwong LMFT, dating and relationship expert and therapist, says, “it’s important to be mindful of lifestyle differences as they can become sources of conflict. “This could include major differences in socializing habits and preferences, career commitments, or leisure activities.”

For example, someone who never had kids might want to plan a long holiday weekend skiing on the other side of the country and off the grid with you. But someone who has young children might prefer a staycation nearby, their cell phone at hand, while their kids stay with a grandparent.

Be Realistic in Your Expectations

You deserve so much love, but the checklist for a partner that you had in your 20s might not match what’s realistic in your 40s. People who date at this age sometimes self-sabotage when they think they still need to find a person who meets 100% of their criteria. They pass by good prospects because having been burnt, they feel like they deserve the whole package this time around—that ideal and unattainable partner.

It can be hard to be realistic. After all, dating apps promote amazing-looking people who seem younger than their real ages. The ageism and sexism that exist in real life also still can be found on digital sites according to a study1 that analyzed 39 online dating sites that targeted older adults. The study concluded that the visual representations of gender and age on these sites concentrated on heterosexual couples and showed a bias towards those (especially women) who looked “forever young.”

Prioritize Values and Emotional Intelligence

When dating in your 20s it felt like so many things matter in a partner, but you probably put their looks, or how “cool” you thought they were, or even their status somewhere on that list.

While those things aren’t unimportant, as we get older we start to realize that true compatibility comes from shared values and emotional alignment. We want to be with someone who is kind, considerate, thoughtful, and stable because these are the qualities of staying power.

Ivy Kwong, LMFT says, “Look for partners who demonstrate emotional maturity, self-awareness, and the ability to communicate their feelings and needs effectively. Emotional intelligence is crucial for building strong connections.”

Go to Therapy

We know, we know, we’re always telling people to go to therapy. But for real, therapy while embarking on a new phase of dating can be incredibly helpful no matter what headspace you’re in.

Most 40-somethings and people older are going to have some past negative relationships or, potentially, marriages to work through. Therapy can be a great tool for mentally preparing to start dating again so you can bring your best self to the table.

Plus, data shows that most people prefer dating someone who has been to therapy. In 2022 researchers at Hinge found that 91% of users prefer dating someone who is in therapy. What’s more, 89% of respondents said they were more likely to give someone a second date if they talked about therapy on the first outing.2

Embrace the Current Dating Scene

If it seems like everyone is using online sites and dating apps, you wouldn’t be wrong, but they can definitely be daunting if you haven’t used them before. If you’re newly single, the apps aren’t something you should shy away from. It helps to ask your friends which ones they’ve had success with.

“Dating in your 40s is about being realistic with your time and energy. With the apps, I highly recommend approaching dating with a sense of intentionality so you don’t waste your time. Use recent photos of yourself (within the last six months) and be open about what you’re looking for, whether that’s having fun or wanting a serious relationship. Don’t be afraid to authentically put it all out there—you don’t want to appeal to the masses. That’s the quickest way to get dating fatigue. You want to appeal to a few people who are exactly who you’re looking for and then find your person from that.” says Julie Nguyen, matchmaker and relationship coach.

While those of all ages on these sites want affection, intimacy, and companionship, dating profiles reveal differences in how people present themselves and their goals. In an interesting study3 about digital dating across various ages, scientists looked at the online profile content of 4,000 younger and older adults in the US.

Scientists found that younger adults were more likely to use words associated with work and achievement to bolster the “self” when seeking romantic relationships. On the other hand, older adults used words in their profiles associated with health and positive emotions. Their focus was more on connectedness and relationships with others.

Yes, you can still get a date the old-fashioned way

If online dating is not your thing, you can definitely meet people in real life without using apps. You can join a meetup for singles who hike in your suburb. Or find a singles group that caters to your personal needs. There are singles groups for particular races, ethnicities, and religions. You can meet people to date at grocery stores, gyms, and in your community.

“As a matchmaker, I highly recommend becoming an active member of your community. Say hi to your favorite local shopkeeper, strike up random conversations on the street, or get to know the dogwalkers at your park. You never know who you might meet, and especially the people they might know. Plus your community acts as a modern social safety net so your potential matches can come pre-vetted which helps if you’re easing back into dating,” says Nguyen.

Also, don’t forget to ask your friends to set you up on blind dates. If you like your childhood friend’s sister, ask your friend to invite you to dinner when she’s in town. Or ask your friend to invite you along when their whole family is going ice skating. Sometimes meeting this new person in a group seems less stressful.

Treat a First Date as a Short Meeting

Your first date isn’t a time to summarize your whole life. It’s a time to get to know one another and determine if there’s interest in seeing this person again. Newbies to dating sometimes extend the date too long rather than view it as an introduction.

A common mistake people make on first dates is to talk negatively about their former partners. When someone talks about a crazy ex, that’s a big red flag. Healthy relationships, whether they are just for a summer or for a lifetime, are marked by respect and caring.

While dating over 40 can come with some challenges, it can also be an enjoyable and fulfilling experience.

Don’t Rush When Bringing Kids Into the Mix

If you have children, it can make a new relationship a bit more complicated. They aren’t calling the shots but their opinion of your new partner matters to you, as does the assurance that the person you’re dating is someone you’d want to bring around your children.

Even if you’re having that new crush feeling and things are going really well, it’s a good idea to give a new relationship enough time to get established before introducing them to your kids. There’s no exact timeline for this, but it’s generally wise to give it a couple of months so you can have a bit more confidence and security in the relationship and a deeper understanding of who they are and if they’re someone you want in your children’s lives.