Language note: Although individual preferences exist, surveys of the autistic community consistently show that autistic people prefer identity-first language rather than person-first language (i.e., “autistic person” rather than “person with autism”). This article reflects that community language preference.
The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders categorizes autism as a neurodevelopmental disorder marked by social and communication differences as well as behaviors that fall outside of neurotypical expectations. These differences in brain function can make the experience of dating and finding a romantic partner a lot different from that of a neurotypical individual.
These experiences are even exhibited on popular shows like Love on the Spectrum and Atypical, which prove that finding love when you’re autistic is very possible, it just might take a little extra intentionality.
Many studies show that autistic adults are less likely to be married than allistic adults (AKA, someone who isn’t on the autism spectrum), though barriers to diagnosis and study limitations make it difficult to determine exact numbers. However, when surveyed, many autistics who want to be in romantic relationships report challenges in this area.
Autistic people are more likely than non-autistic people to be asexual or aromantic (meaning they do not experience sexual and/or romantic attraction).1 However, autistic people who experience sexual and romantic attraction often report challenges in these relationships. An anonymous autistic person who agreed to speak to me for this article shared that an allistic person dating an autistic person is comparable to intercultural dating.
At a Glance
Dating as an autistic person (or just as a neurodiverse individual in general) has its challenges because it can feel like the stakes for misunderstanding and rejection are high. Autistic people may be a bit more sensitive and specific with their needs, but that doesn’t mean they’re any harder to love—the key is knowing what to pay attention to. Understanding the importance of things like communication, sensitivities, physical touch, and special interests can help a lot whether you’re autistic yourself or someone falling in love with an autistic person.
Communication Is Key
Wendela Whitcomb Marsh, autism advocate and CEO of Adult Autism Assessment, is the author of several books, including Dating While Autistic: Cut Through the Social Quagmire and Find Your Person. She says that autistic people often experience challenges when dating that their non-autistic peers might not consider—this includes communication:
“Communication is important for any couple getting to know each other, and this can be particularly challenging for autistic people. Flirting that includes subtle nonverbal cues or verbal double entendres can easily be missed or misunderstood,” says Marsh.
Autistic people whose partners are not autistic can experience differences in communication styles, referred to in research as the double empathy problem.2 Non-autistic people often use hints, tone, and subtle cues to communicate a message, which many autistic people do not pick up on.
Brad, an autistic person who has been married for more than 20 years, shared, “You are more likely to get more unfiltered truth from an autistic person. This can be endearing, especially when you’re getting to know someone, but it can also be infuriating, such as in difficult moments where you wanted tenderness but got autistic bluntness.”
Conversely, autistic people may engage in a more direct communication style, which can be perceived as rude or disrespectful to neurotypical folks but is often appreciated by other autistics. Marsh recommends that non-autistic partners be patient and avoid assuming intent that was not explicitly indicated.
Additionally, she says that autistic people can be upfront about their communication differences: “It’s okay to say something like, ‘I’m the kind of person who doesn’t pick up on hints and flirting. If someone likes me I hope they will come right out and tell me.’” Many of the autistics I spoke with in writing this article noted that they struggle with recognizing flirting.
For example, GTM shared, “I was really clueless about whether anyone wanted to or did not want to date me. After the fact, I learned about many people who were flirting with me, and I had no idea.” Regarding communication, he said: “Best bet: always be open to working out different arrangements of communication and reciprocity and consent whenever entering into a relationship with an autistic person (or any person, maybe).”
It’s okay to say something like, ‘I’m the kind of person who doesn’t pick up on hints and flirting. If someone likes me I hope they will come right out and tell me.’
Your Autistic Life (YAL), an autistic writer who shares his experiences, shared that he prefers online communication. Autistic people may like the option of online dating, as they can view an introduction to the other person before communicating, can take time to process words without having to make an immediate response, and can think about their preferred response before answering.
ND Dev, an autistic married man, has an allistic wife: “[Helen] sensitive to people’s needs, intuitive about personal matters, and instinctively supportive when someone needs help—but also rational, practical, hard-working, methodical and intelligent. It’s a rare mix in a person. (Sorry, she’s taken.)” ND Dev noted that autistics do not always show their feelings in ‘conventional’ ways. For example, “Unmasking (such as reduced eye contact or sitting together but apart) can look like withdrawal, but is a sign of intimacy and trust.”
Pay Attention to Sensory Sensitivities
Many autistic people experience sensory input differently than non-autistic people, often being more in tune with certain stimuli to the point that they experience distress or overwhelm as a result. This can include becoming overstimulated in environments with a lot of sound and activity, much like many traditional “date” settings like restaurants, concerts, and other social gatherings.
Autistic people can also experience hyposensitivity which can allow for additional capacity for sensory experiences. This often leads autistic people to seek out BDSM and other kinks to fulfill those sensory needs.
Marsh recommends remembering that a date can be anything, and you can suggest activities that are a better fit for your sensory needs: “It’s smart to take both partners’ sensory sensitivities into consideration when choosing what to do on a date.” This might mean going for a walk in nature or going to a restaurant or bar you know is going to be a bit quieter.
Outside of set dates, partners can remember each others’ sensory needs through their day-to-day life. For example, ND Dev shared, “Sometimes, an autist may genuinely need time alone. It doesn’t mean your relationship has turned sour or that you’re a failure for being unable to help.” As you get to know each other and your relationship grows, you can tell each other what your needs are and how you cope with them. Remember that this is an ongoing conversation, as sensory needs can change over time.
Some Love Touch, Some Don’t
Autistic people can be more sensitive to physical touch compared to non-autistic people. This can manifest as discomfort with physical touch or a stronger need for touch. Even if both partners are autistic, they may have opposite needs and comfort levels around physical touch. It is important to clearly communicate boundaries and needs, with ongoing discussion about what each partner is ready for and comfortable with.
If you need time to become comfortable with physical touch, you can tell your partner that you are not yet ready but may get there in the future. You can also communicate that you do not think you will ever feel comfortable with a certain kind of touch. Both of these experiences are valid and okay.
Like all abuse survivors, autistic people might struggle to feel comfortable communicating their boundaries around physical touch if they have survived past abuse. One study showed that autistic people are more likely to experience both physical and sexual abuse compared to the non-autistic population.3
Marsh emphasizes the importance of respecting boundaries around physical touch: “No one, male, female, non-binary, autistic or in the neuromajority, should ever feel pressured to engage in any kind of touch that feels uncomfortable.”
Make Time to Process Emotions
Sensory sensitivities for autistic people do not just manifest through sight, sound, taste, scent, and touch. Many autistic people also experience emotions very intensely, and it can create challenges in processing, regulating, and expressing what they are feeling. This can lead to tension as romantic feelings are often very intense, especially in the early stages of a relationship.
Marsh recommends taking things slowly to allow space for managing these big feelings: “Dating is already a bit of an emotional roller coaster, with high hopes and expectations.” Partners can communicate needs with each other and take a step back when they need to to ensure that they have the space to process emotions in a healthy way.
Similarly, YAL shared that it is essential that allistic partners need to make efforts to understand their autistic partner’s processing and perception: “The fact that your partner is ND tells you that their brain is not structured to *perceive the world* in the same way you do. If you ignore this, then you are putting a strain on your relationship.”
Special Interests
Autistic people might find they connect well with partners who share their special interests. Marsh says that those looking for dating partners might find like-minded people in clubs or groups focused around special interests.
According to ND Dev, “Be tolerant when your partner gets hung up on things that you don’t find important. There’s usually a reason.”
For mixed-neurotype couples or for those who do not share special interests, sharing their partner’s special interest can help them connect: “It can be fascinating to learn about your date’s interests and share about your own.” In fact, as ND Dev noted, autistics express affection in different ways, including by info dumping (sharing extensive information about their special interest).
However, challenges can arise if one partner is heavily focused on their special interest and the other partner is not attentive to this. It can be overwhelming to hear your partner talk about their interest at length, and even non-autistic people can get overstimulated. It is okay to take breaks when you need to. Use open and direct communication to express this need.
Marsh also recommends taking turns talking about special interests so that both partners feel heard.
Coping with Change
Autistic people often need routine and predictability, making it difficult to cope with change. This comes from a need for safety. This can feel inflexible to a non-autistic partner who wants to be spontaneous, and we can never guarantee that plans will not change.
It is important to honor routine and spontaneity so both partners’ needs are met. There are even ways to incorporate both so it doesn’t have to be one or the other in any given situation
Marsh says that it can help to have a “Plan B” in place in case original plans do not work. That way, autistic people that value routine can mentally prepare for this alternative when needed. For example, she shared, “if you’re meeting someone for the first time at a restaurant, create a list of items such as how long you wait before texting them, how many times you text and how long to wait between texts, and what to do if you get stood up. Having a plan for texting if they’re late helps avoid the problem of anxiously sending multiple texts that come across as excessively needy. If you get stood up (it happens), this doesn’t mean anything is wrong with you. Plan how long to wait and then what you will do instead of the date you thought you were going to have. Make it something fun for you that you can do on your own. Knowing that you have a backup plan helps.”
This can also apply to ending relationships; an anonymous autistic person shared with me, “One time I got broken up with and I said ‘ok but not right now please, busy processing other stressors’ and I am pretty sure that person was also autistic in part because they took me at my word and that’s what we did.” While no one is obligated to stay in a relationship they want to end, taking other transitions or changes slowly can help the autistic person adjust.
Final Thoughts
While autistic people can experience challenges in dating and romantic relationships, open communication and understanding of individual, unique needs can reduce anxiety around this process. If you are autistic, know that you can find a partner who understands and meets your needs.
If you are not autistic, you can extend compassion to your partner and help them be comfortable in your relationship. If you are autistic, know that your needs and communication style are valid.