With friendly and outgoing personalities and a penchant for social situations, it might seem like extroverts would make perfect partners, especially if you happen to be an extrovert too. And this can be true—if you’re an extrovert, chances are you’ll have a natural understanding of what your extroverted partner wants and needs from a relationship. But there can also be complications in extrovert-extrovert relationships that are specific to this kind of couple.
Read on to learn more about the strengths and challenges of being in a relationship as an extrovert with an extrovert, and how to make your extroverted relationship the best it can be.
Introduction to Extrovert-Extrovert Relationships
First of all, what does it really mean to be an extrovert?
Basically, extroverts are people who charge their internal battery by spending time with other people (as opposed to introverts, who charge their internal battery by being alone). Extroverts are energized by spending time around people, and are often characterized by their outgoing nature, being generally talkative and sociable, as well as assertive and easily excitable.
Extroversion is a trait that can be inherited genetically—if you come from a family of extroverts, chances are you’ll be one too.1
It is also a trait influenced by the people around you as you grew up and the experiences you’ve had; you might have learned that extroversion benefited you in school or in social situations with peers, so you’ve adapted to behave that way.2
Extroversion and introversion exist on a spectrum, and most people lie somewhere along that spectrum closer to one end or another. (The term for this range is “ambiversion.”) There are very few people who would be considered “100%” extroverted or introverted, though many people lean one way or the other.
So, if you are an extrovert and you’re in a relationship with someone who is also an extrovert, the both of you might have similar social traits and needs—like being at your most comfortable when you’re with other people.
Advantages of Extrovert-Extrovert Relationships
There are some definite advantages to being an extrovert in a relationship with another extrovert.
First of all, you don’t have to worry about balancing extremely different needs. Chances are that if you’re both extroverts, your social needs will be similar—that means that there’s less of a chance that you’ll have to convince your partner to participate in any social events or worry that their social battery may get drained far faster than yours. This can make it easier to plan events and maintain the social life that you need.
Being involved with another extrovert also gives you an implicit understanding of how the other person functions and what they might need.
Instead of having to guess at what an introverted partner thinks and feels (even if it’s an educated guess), you can fairly safely assume that you and your extroverted partner’s needs will be at least somewhat aligned.
“When both partners are extroverts, they’re more likely to be open about their needs, wants, and emotional experiences, which can take away a lot of the guesswork in a relationship,” confirms Yolanda Renteria, LMFT. “They are also more likely to share interests, have fun, and laugh together, which increases their desire to spend time together.”
This understanding also makes it easier to compromise when it comes to social situations. Instead of having to negotiate how many hours you’re going to spend at a party or how often you go out and see friends, you and your partner’s similar preferences mean there’s likely to be fewer arguments and disagreements about how much time you both spend socializing.
Challenges of Extrovert-Extrovert Relationships
Just like any relationship, extrovert-extrovert partnerships can have their challenges.
If you both are extroverted, you might not know or feel the need to balance social time with alone time. No matter how much you love people, everyone needs at least some breaks from socializing; and this is especially true when trying to maintain a romantic relationship.
Both your and your partner’s love for social events might mean that you prioritize socializing over spending time alone with your partner—but relationships can’t survive if you never spend time together just the two of you. This might be overlooked in an extrovert-extrovert relationship.
You might also take your partner’s social battery for granted. Just because you’re both extroverted doesn’t mean that your needs and preferences will always be exactly the same. But banking on your partner’s extroversion might lead to situations in which you neglect to check in with your partner about what they want (or vice versa), which can in turn lead to conflict.
In addition, personal space might become an issue. Maybe you assume that, because your partner is also an extrovert, that they don’t need much personal space, and will be happy to spend time with you whenever you want; or maybe your partner assumes this about you.
Just because you generally both enjoy others’ company doesn’t mean personal space isn’t important. Spending 24/7 together can cause problems in any relationship, extroverted or not.
Your social habits—or your partner’s—might also cause problems. Social situations can become competitive. You might feel as though your partner has more friends than you do, which can cause resentment when they spend a great deal of time with them; or your partner might feel as though you are rubbing their nose in the fact that you spend more time “out” than they do.
With both of you being so sociable, it’s easy to unwittingly turn sociality into a competition.
Communication is also an important factor in a relationship that can be overlooked. If you and your partner share extroverted traits, you might forget that you need to communicate with your partner about their needs or that they might have a different communication style than you do. Maybe they enjoy parties just as much as you do but need to discuss a timeline ahead of time (“We’ll stay for this long,” ”I’ll let you know when I’m ready to leave,” etc)—if you neglect to check in with them, this can lead to misunderstanding and resentment.
Another challenge, according to Renteria, has to do with attention. “Both partners might not feel like they’re getting enough attention, which is something extroverts typically seek,” she explains. “They are also more likely to struggle listening to the other, keeping their emotions in check, and not know how to spend time resting, which are all needed for healthy relationships.”
Communication in Extrovert-Extrovert Relationships
Don’t assume that just because you and your partner are both extroverts that you need and want the exact same things. Open communication makes it clear to both you and your partner what each of you needs from the other.
“Extroverts tend to be really attuned to their needs, but might struggle to attune to the needs of the other,” says Renteria.
Learn to listen, practice tolerating the distress of sharing attention, learn to regulate emotions because arguments can get more heated, and learn to validate the needs of the other.
You still need to talk about things like boundaries and needs both inside and outside your relationship to prevent possible issues:
- Maybe your partner made plans without asking you because they assumed you would be down for it, but you would rather not go to that particular event—telling your partner this means that next time, they might consult you first before making plans for the both of you.
- Maybe, after a social event, while you want to keep hanging out with your partner, they actually need a little while spent alone—if they tell you this, you can both avoid being hurt or offended and can make sure that you each get what you need.
Get used to checking in with your partner. Maybe before a social engagement you talk about how long you’ll spend there; maybe there’s a gap in your or your partner’s social calendar and you ask them how they’d like to spend that time; maybe you or your partner need some alone time.
Getting used to communicating with your partner about those needs makes sure that you both understand what the other person wants and avoids confusion and potential upset.
Maintaining Individuality in Extrovert-Extrovert Relationships
It’s easy to start to see you and your partner as one entity, especially if you have the same social battery, social patterns, or social circle. But this isn’t very healthy.
Remember that you and your partner are individuals. Remind your partner that you might occasionally need different things or need to spend time with different people. This keeps you (or your partner) from falling into the trap of assuming that whatever they want, that’s what you want too.
“It is always important to maintain individuality! You are a whole person regardless of your relationship status,” explains Amy Marschall, PsyD.
For extroverts, the tendency to gain energy from those around you might make it more challenging to maintain your individuality within the relationship. Be mindful and intentional about taking time for yourself.
It’s also important to establish and maintain relationships outside of your romantic partnership. You cannot and should not rely on your partner for anything and everything—this places a lot of pressure on your partner (or you, if this is what your partner is doing). No one person can be everything for their partner. This makes it even more important to have friends and loved ones outside of your romantic relationship.
Renteria agrees. “Extroverts have a high need for attention and sharing it consistently in a relationship can make them grow resentful over time,” explains Renteria. “It’s important for each partner to have their own social group and activities separate from their partner.”
You and your partner might be a unit, but you are your own person, and so is your partner. Make sure you spend some time apart, even if it’s only to better appreciate the time you do spend together.
Managing Socializing and Energy Levels
It’s easy to get caught up in socializing, especially when you and your partner are both extroverts and generally like hanging out with people. But even the biggest social butterflies can get burnt out.
It’s important to remember to schedule down time, both together with your partner and individually. This lessens the likelihood that you will burn the candle at both ends and wear yourselves out.
Nobody can maintain constant socializing, but if you and your partner’s social calendars regularly overlap and don’t leave room for alone time, you might need to make a conscious effort to establish some.
Don’t let yourself get caught up in your partner’s enthusiasm, especially if you’re feeling like you need a break. Honor those feelings. Your partner can do without you for one party or dinner, or even a few, and the same goes for you. A rested extrovert is a happy extrovert.
After all, “extroverts tend to gain energy in social interactions rather than losing it,” says Marschall. “When both partners are extroverts, it might be tempting to go, go, go, but remember that rest is important too!”
Conflict Resolution in Extrovert-Extrovert Relationships
The key to resolving conflict in extrovert-extrovert relationships is to recognize and acknowledge that the two of you sometimes will want or need different things.
Try not to blame or resent the other person for their needs. Just because you are both extroverted does not mean you are exactly the same. Remembering this when differing opinions arise can take the wind out of an argument or disagreement and give you room to respect what each of you wants.
There are a few things you can do when conflicts arise. First, try using “I” statements to explain how you are feeling. You could say something like:
- “I understand that you want X, but right now I want Y.”
- “When you say X, this is how it makes me feel.”
- “When it comes to X, this is what I need from you.”
Statements like these can open up a conversation with less acrimony and bias.
Practice sharing your feelings and needs with your partner. Even if you agree 99% of the time, learning to share that 1% will strengthen your relationship and give your partner a better understanding of your internal world.
This will make it easier to talk about things, whether they be small inconveniences or big relationship-upsetting problems.
A conflict that might come up especially with an extroverted couple is jealousy when your partner is spending time with other people without you. Maybe you aren’t getting as much social time as you need right now, or maybe you are feeling like you and your partner aren’t spending enough time together. Talking about this jealousy can help you understand what bothers you about those situations and can help your partner understand what you are thinking and feeling.
“Extroverts also need to work a lot on emotional regulation since they tend to project their energy outward rather than inward like introverts,” explains Renteria.
Learn to listen to, understand, and validate your partner. Extroverts tend to center their needs and wants, and knowing this about yourself can help you call yourself out when you’re dismissing your partner’s needs.
Tips for a Successful Extrovert-Extrovert Relationship
Make your relationship with your extroverted partner the best it can be. Remember:
- Communicate. It’s important to make sure you and your partner understand what you need from each other and how you are feeling within your relationship.
- Don’t assume that you and your partner are exactly the same. No matter how much you have in common, you are different people who are sure to need different things at one point or another. Recognizing this will help you both solve problems and design a relationship that keeps you both in mind.
- Balance social time with couple time. Even as extroverts, you need to prioritize your romantic relationship. Making sure you spend at least some time alone with your significant other will strengthen your relationship and leave you open and able to enjoy the company of both your partner and others.
- Balance social time with alone time. If need be (that is, if it won’t happen organically), schedule alone time so that you have time to focus on yourself. A happy and rested you means a happy and rested partner for your significant other and a happy and rested friend for your social circle.
- Build each other up. Rather than competing for attention, focus on learning to share the attention with your partner.
- Maintain separate social groups. Recognize that you don’t have to do everything together. This helps balance energies in the relationship and gives you support and outlets separate from your partner so that you’re not relying on your partner to be everything for you.