Sex can be a pleasurable experience to share with a partner. From foreplay and teasing to the exploration of physical touch, sexual intimacy can bring you closer as a couple.1 But, for some people, not knowing how to initiate sex (or being uncomfortable doing so) can stop them from taking this step in their relationship.
Some hesitate to initiate sex because they fear rejection. Others worry about coming on too strong and throwing off the vibe or saying and doing the wrong things, making things feel awkward. All too often, it can be tempting to leave it to a partner to take the first step toward sexual intimacy.
At a Glance
Having a healthy sex life can be important for both your well-being and your relationship. Taking steps to pursue sex provides benefits for you, your partner, and your relationship. Learn what those benefits are, as well as how to initiate sex with greater confidence and ease.
Why Is It Important to Initiate Sex?
Sex can be much more than just a physical interaction between partners. For people in relationships, this activity helps boost emotional intimacy and may even provide relief from daily stress.2
“Making an effort to initiate physical touch, sex, and intimacy with your partner is an intentional practice for maintaining and deepening connection and closeness in a relationship,” says Ivy Kwong, LMFT, a licensed marriage and family therapist specializing in relationships and intimacy. “Taking the initiative communicates desire, intimacy, and an active investment in shared connection.”
By initiating sex, you can show your care and willingness to tend to each other’s needs and fantasies, which can contribute to a sense of emotional closeness and promote open communication about desires and boundaries.
Some studies have connected sex with improved mental health, especially when going through challenging times. For instance, one piece of research found that people who remained sexually active during the COVID-19 lockdown reported lower levels of depression and anxiety.3
In addition to being beneficial for emotional and physical well-being, connected sex can improve your self-esteem.4 For partners with significant others that initiate sex, the knowledge that your lover finds you desirable and wants to show their desire in sensual and sexual ways can be incredibly affirming.
How to Initiate Sex
If you’re not usually the one to initiate sex and begin to do so, this can be rejuvenating in the relationship and jump-start excitement between partners, especially in the wake of a dry spell. There are several steps you can take to help reduce your discomfort with pursuing your partner sexually. Here’s how to initiate sex confidently and with less stress:
- Confirm consent
- Express what you want
- Use body language
- Be spontaneous
- Make time for sex
- Use playful communication
- Try spicy texts
- Dress the part
- Have realistic expectations
Confirm Their Consent
An important factor in any form of physical intimacy is consent. Partners being in agreement to engage sexually is an essential first step.
When it comes to sexual intimacy, assumptions are not always accurate. Partners may not be on the same page about their interest, readiness, or openness to sex. While you may be ready to go, your partner may be tired, worried about a looming deadline, or simply uninterested in sex at that point in time.
How to Confirm Consent
You might confirm consent by asking questions such as these before or during sex:
- Can I take off your shirt?
- Can I touch you?
- Can I kiss your [body part]?
- How does this feel?
- Do you want to take a shower with me?
- Do you want to join me in the bedroom?
- Do you want me to keep going?
- Do you like it when I…?
- What do you want me to do to you?
- Where do you want me to touch you?
Consent is sexy. The knowledge that you and your partner are on similar levels of desire can add extra heat in intimate moments.
Asking if your partner is comfortable with the pace or the act itself shouldn’t be shied away from. If they are silent, appear to hesitate, or seem unsure about intercourse in that moment, it is important to respect their boundaries.
Be Vocal About Your Wants
You can try initiating sex by complimenting your partner—with a little added spice. Start things off by telling them how amazing they look in their new shirt, praise them for their progress at the gym, or give another genuine compliment. This can be very stimulating, especially when paired with your vocalized desire.
To take things up a notch, sprinkle dirty talk into the mix. Give your partner insight into your sexual plans by telling them what you want to do with (or to) them. Be specific about what turns you on and invite them to indulge with you.
It’s always a good time to remind your partner how much they mean to you. This can be shared any time—when initiating sex, during sex, and even after sex.
Let Your Body Language Speak for You
Expressing your desire for your partner non-verbally is a great way to build heat and communicate sexual interest. It’s also a good way to let them know that you want them if you’re not comfortable talking about sex and saying what you want.
Brush against them in the hallway, take a moment to run your fingers through their hair, or pull them close for a nuzzle. These are all easy ways to let your partner know that you’re available for and interested in physical intimacy.
You can also initiate things slowly. Massaging your partner, kissing them intimately, or hugging them deeply are all inviting possibilities for beginning further sensual and sexual exploration.
Individuals in long-term relationships often report that, over time, non-verbal cues become the primary way of communicating sexual needs, more so than verbal communication.5
Be Spontaneous
If your partner enjoys spontaneity, you can indulge their preference. Impromptu physical moves like slowly unbuttoning their clothing or grabbing their hand in the middle of the day and leading them to the bedroom can both lead to spontaneous sexual activity.
Spur-of-the-moment sex can be initiated and enjoyed in different locations at home, in the car, or in other safe and private places. Being spontaneous with your partner can be a fun and exciting way to keep things steamy.
Because consent is a priority, it’s important that you don’t cross your partner’s boundaries or push them into doing something they don’t want to do. Discussing whether they would enjoy this type of approach before initiating any spontaneous activity is a good first step.
Also, pay attention to non-verbal cues in your partner when being spontaneous, such as if they appear tense, have a grimace on their face, or develop a worried expression. Being attuned to their responses is crucial in making sure you are respecting their boundaries.
Let your partner know that it’s okay if they’re not ready right then. Help them feel comfortable in telling you this by saying so outright or using a phrase that reinforces that you care for each other, but can be said if either of you is not in the mood to be sexually intimate at that moment.
Schedule Time for Sex
While spontaneity can be exciting, scheduling time for sex is something that plenty of couples do to prioritize physical intimacy. This can be especially helpful if you both lead busy lives and often find that your sexual relationship suffers because of it.
A mutual effort to initiate sex and physical intimacy can help create a balanced dynamic where both partners feel desired, valued, and empowered within the relationship
There’s another reason to pre-schedule your sexual sessions. Doing so can help create anticipation when you put it on the calendar, increasing your sex drive significantly as the day and time approaches.6
Use Playful Communication
If you’ve been wondering how to initiate sex subtly, you might try coming up with playful ways to signal your interest and availability to your partner. Maybe you wear a certain piece of jewelry that lets them know you’re in the mood, or you put a note on their dresser or on the bed where they’ll see it.
You can even have a designated fridge magnet that you put into position when you’re wanting intimacy with your partner. Have fun and get creative!
Send a Spicy Text
If you’re easing into the idea of initiating sex, a tame place to begin is with texts. You could begin with an innocent, “Can’t wait to see you tonight!” to give them something to look forward to after work. If you’re feeling more risqué, you might even go into some detail about your plans for them later in the day.
Wherever your comfort level is, the important thing is to build excitement and desire with your partner. When you lust for each other, this helps boost your sexual chemistry—a factor that has been linked to great sex.7
Dress the Part
Words aren’t always necessary when sending signs that you are feeling sexy. Sometimes, you can let your outfit do the talking.
Wear lingerie, let your partner know you don’t have on any underwear, or wear clothing that you simply feel attractive in. These are all ways to send suggestive messages for playtime later.
While wearing a sexy outfit, you may also role-play with your partner as a fun way to initiate sex.
Don’t Have Unrealistic Expectations
It’s important not to put pressure on yourself or your partner when it comes to having sex. There will be times when one of you doesn’t want it and the other does.
Be understanding and compassionate with each other and respect each other’s space. Try not to take it personally if your partner isn’t the mood. There are other ways to build intimacy that you can practice when sex isn’t an option.