Generally speaking, the term “consent” means to agree to something. Lately however, the term has become an important part of social and political discourse and it usually refers to consent in a sexual context.
Giving one’s sexual consent means clearly and freely agreeing to participate in a sexual activity, making it consensual.1 It’s important for every person involved in the activity to give their consent, otherwise sexual activity without consent is considered sexual assault or rape.2
This article explores what consent is, why it’s important, how to ask for it, what it includes and what it does not.
How Consent Works
Consent applies to any kind of physical activity or engagement, including touching another person, kissing them, or having oral or penetrative intercourse.2
These are some important aspects to remember about consent:2
- Consent needs to be freely given: Consent needs to be freely given, without pressure, intimidation, or manipulation. Consent that is given under coercion, force, or duress, in a state lacking the mental capacity to consent, or by someone who is in a disadvantaged position is not valid.3 For example, a subordinate may feel forced to agree to participate in a sexual act with their manager due to their position of power over them, but that is not freely given consent.
- Consent has to be specific: If someone has consented to one activity, such as kissing, for example, it doesn’t mean the person consents to other activities, like taking off their clothes. Consent needs to be specific and cannot be assumed to include other things as well.
- Consent can be reversed at any time: Even if someone gave their consent and agreed to participate in sexual activity, they are entitled to change their mind at any time during acts of physical intimacy. At whatever point they want to stop, their partner must respect their wishes. Ignoring or disrespecting a “no” or request to stop is a violation of consent.
- Consent must be informed: If someone is consenting to something, they must be fully informed what they are consenting to. It’s important for people to disclose whether they have any sexually transmitted infections (STIs) to their partners before engaging in sexual activity.4 It is also wise for partners to communicate about and agree upon on birth control methods. Misleading partners about one’s STI status or birth control use negates consent.
- Consent should be enthusiastic: It is important for all parties involved in physical or sexual intimacy to be in a continuous state of enthusiastic consent. Enthusiastic consent means the presence of a strong “yes” instead of a hesitant “okay” or the absence of a “no” and may be expressed verbally or via nonverbal cues and body language including smiling, nodding, maintaining eye contact, and receptive facial expressions. The purpose of enthusiastic consent is to ensure that all parties involved give genuine, voluntary consent to proceed during sexual activity.
Planned Parenthood notes that there are laws regarding who can consent and who cannot.2 For instance, people who are drunk, high, unconscious, below the legal age of consent, or have significant mental impairment, or not in a position to make decisions for any other reason cannot consent.1
Why Consent Is Important
Consent is necessary so if you’re getting intimate with someone, sharing your respective boundaries and having them acknowledged and respected is important, as is immediately honoring a “no” in response to anything you or they don’t want to do at any time during the encounter.
Just as they can check with you for ongoing consent, it’s important for you to check with them to ensure they are equally on board with the intimacy being shared and to respect their boundaries as well.
You have the right to decide what happens to your body, and that right has to be respected by everyone, regardless of whether it’s someone you’ve just met, someone you’ve been intimate with before, or someone you’re in a long-term relationship with.
For instance, if you’ve just met someone, just because you’ve enthusiastically consented and participated in one activity, doesn’t mean you consent to others. Or, just because you’ve hooked up with someone in the past, doesn’t automatically mean you’ve consented to do so again. Even if you’re in a committed relationship or marriage with a partner or a spouse, your consent is not automatic or implicit for every sexual interaction.
Therefore it’s helpful for you and your partner to clearly communicate your consent and boundaries and what is working or not working for either of you on a regular basis. If your partner isn’t communicating willing and enthusiastic consent during physical intimacy, you can take the initiative and responsibility to check in with them.
A 2022 study notes that consent communication not only improves the quality of the relationship and the sexual activity, it also helps ensure participants’ safety.5
Types of Consent
Consent can be verbal or non-verbal.
Verbal Consent
These are some examples of verbal consent:6
- “Yes.”
- “I’d like that.”
- “That sounds good.”
- “That feels great.”
- “Don’t stop doing that.”
- “I’m enjoying this.”
- “I’m open to trying this.”
- “Keep going!”
- “Can you please…”
- “It feels amazing when you…”
Verbal consent is the clearest form of consent and, therefore, the safest.
Non-Verbal Consent
Consent can also be non-verbal. These are some examples of non-verbal consent:6
- Nodding your head
- Giving a thumbs up or “okay” sign
- Maintaining direct eye contact
- Pulling someone closer
- Touching someone actively
- Initiating contact
- Relaxed, open, and receptive body language
However, it’s important to note that everyone’s body language is different and non-verbal consent can be misinterpreted. Therefore, it’s helpful to verbally check in with your partner every now and then to make sure they’re on the same page as you are.
How to Ask for Consent
These are some ways to ask for someone’s consent:6
- “May I do this?”
- “Are you OK with this?”
- “Does this feel good to you?”
- “I’d really like to do this, would you be into it?”
- “How do you feel about this?”
- “Are you comfortable with this?”
- “What do you like?”
- “What would you like to do?”
- “Is there anything I can do to make you feel more safe or comfortable?”
What Is Not Consent
Like consent, non-consent can also be verbal or non-verbal.
These are some examples of verbal non-consent:6
- “No.”
- “Stop.”
- “I don’t want to do this.”
- “I’m not enjoying this.”
- “Don’t do that; I don’t like it.”
- “Don’t touch me.”
- “I’m not sure.”
- “I don’t think so.”
- “I’ve never done that and I’m not sure I’m ready to try.”
- “Um, maybe, I guess…”
- “Not cool.”
- “Ouch, that hurts.”
- “Get off of me/get out of here.”
- “I need a break.”
These are some examples of non-verbal non-consent:6
- Turning your head or body away from someone
- Pushing them away
- Avoiding their touch
- Avoiding touching them
- Staying silent and not saying anything
- Lying still and unresponsive
- Seeming distracted and not present
- Becoming rigid or tensing up
- Sudden changes like going from smiling to frowning, relaxed to tense, happy to upset
- Avoiding eye contact or looking away
- Looking sad or afraid
- Shaking head “no”
It’s important to note that flirting, wearing certain types of clothing, suggestive dancing, or kissing someone are not consent or an invitation for more, and to think otherwise is a form of victim-blaming.7