Sexting is the act of exchanging sexually explicit messages, photos, or videos with other people.1 It’s something that can occur at any phase of a romantic connection, whether that’s during the earliest phases of a relationship or casual sex, or in a long-term marriage. Sexting is often a precursor or warm-up to in-person sexual encounters but it can also happen entirely on its own.
But is sexting a form of cheating? Depends on who you ask. While there is no hard and fast definition of what infidelity is it essentially refers to somebody having an emotional or sexual relationship with somebody else without their partner’s consent. So where does the concept of sexting fall on the spectrum of cheating? We’ll explore this question as well as how to deal should the issue arise in your relationship.
At a Glance
Sexting is considered cheating by many people, but it all depends on the boundaries you’ve discussed at the start of your relationship. For some people in a more open arrangement, sexting is not cheating and for more monogamous types it is. If you’ve caught your partner sexting another person the first step is to have a conversation about both your perceptions of the boundaries in your relationship and decide if it’s something the two of you can work past and heal from.
Sexting Is Cheating if You and Your Partner Decide That It Is
Alex Iga Golabek, a psychotherapist and owner of Ego Therapy, says, “It’s important to remember that there is no single stencil for a relationship, there are many. As far as the idea of sexting goes… an open dialogue about each partner’s needs and boundaries can help establish an agreement, or a unique status quo we choose to follow.”
As Kendra Capalbo, LICSW, a licensed couples therapist and founder of Concierge Couples Counseling, puts it, “In my perspective, the landscape of relationship dynamics is nuanced, and there’s no one-size-fits-all rule when it comes to determining whether sexting constitutes cheating.”
While some people may perceive sexting as crossing these boundaries, resulting in feelings of betrayal, others may not share the same sentiment.
So, there are a few different things to consider, and it’s important to have a discussion with your partner early on in the relationship. Are you going to be completely monogamous or potentially open up your relationship at some point? If you were to do this, what boundaries for intimacy would you put in place? Is sexting allowed in this understanding?
Consider Your Own Limits
Your own boundaries and values play a huge role in determining whether something is cheating or not. “Each couple must define their unique boundaries, creating a space where both partners feel comfortable and respected,” says Capalbo. “While some people may perceive sexting as crossing these boundaries, resulting in feelings of betrayal, others may not share the same sentiment.”
Andrea Balboni, a sex, love, and relationships coach at Zoe Clews & Associates, explains that your personal boundaries can change over time. If this happens, it’s best to let your partner know, and then you can discuss things. However, if someone is constantly changing boundaries, it could be a power play or a form of manipulation, ”If you have set and agreed upon clear boundaries in your relationship and these are continually crossed then it’s quite obviously an issue,” she continues.
And you might bring in cultural and societal norms here, too. Something older people are more likely to consider cheating, younger people might not. And, likewise, something widely considered to be cheating in one area might not be viewed as cheating in another. If you and your partner are of different ages, from different backgrounds or locations, or had different life experiences, you may not always be on the same page when it comes to determining whether or not something is cheating.
Discovering that a partner has engaged in sexting can trigger a wide range of emotions, including hurt, betrayal, and confusion.
Why Many People Would Consider It Cheating
For most people who choose to be in a monogamous relationship, sexting is viewed as a form of cheating. After all, sexting somebody else without your partner knowing is a betrayal of their trust and the intimacy you share.
There’s also the concept of an emotional affair to consider. This refers to a relationship between two people that mimics the romantic relationship between partners in closeness and emotional intimacy, but without anything physical happening. Not all emotional affairs will involve sexting, but the lines between the two can often be blurred.
Balboni says, “An argument for sexting to be considered cheating is that whilst we are human and we are highly sexual beings, one of the boundaries in a committed relationship is that any expression of that outward attraction to another person outside of that relationship could be considered a violation of the commitment that two people have.”
At the end of the day, it comes down to intentions. Even if you didn’t physically touch someone else, you are knowingly discussing the desire and fantasy to have a sexual encounter with someone who isn’t your partner—and there is nothing innocent about that.
How Sexting Can Impact a Relationship
“Discovering that a partner has engaged in sexting can trigger a wide range of emotions, including hurt, betrayal, and confusion,” says Capalbo.
It’s easy to think of sexting as being “less” severe than other forms of cheating, as there’s nothing physical involved. But that doesn’t mean that it won’t be painful if you’re on the receiving end. As Capalbo explains, you might feel any number of emotions if you learn that your partner has been sexting somebody else, but they’re all valid. In some ways, finding out that your partner has been sexting could even be more hurtful, particularly if there’s an emotional component to their messages too.
And sexting can cause trust issues. Even if you work through the sexting with your partner and decide to stay in the relationship, it may take you a while to trust them fully – you might feel tempted to check their phone or go through their messages, for example. Such things could potentially damage your relationship further, even resulting in a break-up.
If your partner has been sexting, it may affect your self-confidence, self-worth, and self-esteem, too.2
Addressing the Issue of Sexting in Relationships
First, says Golabek, “Breathe. This is not necessarily the end of your relationship.” And, she continues, “Become aware of your own core beliefs—if you’re harboring the conviction that you’re not good enough, it will be glaring in neon right about now.”
Addressing sexting in a relationship is not going to be easy. As Capalbo says, “In such a situation, it’s crucial to approach the conversation with a focus on open communication and understanding. Leading with the emotions that arise for you, such as hurt or confusion, lays the groundwork for a productive conversation.”
However, she also says that it’s a good idea to be curious and empathetic about your partner’s behavior, and what led to it, as it may give you some interesting insights.
An open dialogue about each partner’s needs and boundaries can help establish an agreement, or a unique status quo we choose to follow.
Have a Conversation About It
And, though it may be easier said than done, try your best to communicate clearly about how you feel and your emotions without becoming too confrontational. “Fostering an environment of empathy and openness can facilitate a more constructive dialogue, enabling both partners to express their feelings and understand each other’s perspectives more effectively,” says Capalbo.
While your partner sexting somebody else isn’t a reflection on you, there are many potential reasons for sexting—though you’re not to blame regardless—such as your partner feeling as though their needs are being met or simply because your partner wants attention from another source.1 They might be expressing sexual interests, or developing their sexuality in such a way they feel unable to do in the relationship.3
On that point, if there’s anything you’ve done that may be considered a breach of privacy or trust—such as snooping through your partner’s phone—it’s important to acknowledge this and take accountability, according to Capalbo.
While you talk to your partner, try to bring up your boundaries, and what you consider to constitute cheating in a relationship—ideally you’ll have discussed this before, but even if you haven’t, it’s a good idea to establish boundaries and expectations at this point. This may not be around only sexting but could include other things, like your views on watching pornography, or visiting strip clubs.
No matter your partner’s reasoning for sexting, however, you’re under no obligation to tolerate it, or to stay in the relationship.
Don’t be afraid to seek professional help or counseling, whether for yourself or as a couple if you think it might be beneficial. Particularly if you don’t want to end the relationship and would prefer to work through things, but you’re still hurt or unhappy by your partner’s sexting, this may be a good option.