Celibacy is often thought of as the act of avoiding sexual relationships for religious reasons, to remain “pure,” or allow for more time to devote to God. But recently the decision to go celibate for a short or extended period has become a more popular practice without any of the religious connotations.
The movement has been pronounced on social media. Every day people and celebrities are publicly sharing why they are abstaining from sex. Actor and “It Girl” Julia Fox told television host Andy Cohen that choosing to be celibate for over two years is a way for her to take back control after the overturning of Roe v. Wade.
Musician Lenny Kravitz told the Guardian that he hasn’t been in a relationship for nine years and has chosen to be celibate for spiritual reasons.1
Beyond these specific reasons voluntary celibacy is increasingly being viewed as a way to take back control of your sexual autonomy, reconnect with yourself, and take the time to investigate what forms of intimacy are truly beneficial to you and your emotional wellbeing.
Why Voluntary Celibacy Is Trending
While the effects of social media and celebrities sharing their voluntary celibacy may contribute to its popularity, some research shows that in recent years, more and more people are having less sex.
For instance, according to the 2021 General Social Survey, which was conducted by researchers at
the University of Chicago, men and women between 18 and 34 years old are having much less sex than they did in 2008. The survey found that over 20 percent of males under 35 reported not having had sex in the past year, and 19 percent of females reported the same compared to 8 and 7 percent in 2008.2
The same is true for adolescents. A 2021 study found that more adolescents reported not having sexual activity whether they had a partner or not. Between 2009 and 2018, abstinence from sex increased for males from 28.8% to 44.2% and for females from 49.5% to 74%.3
Reasons for Choosing to Be Celibate
In addition to religious or spiritual reasons for choosing celibacy, New York City sex therapist Stephen Snyder, MD, author of Love Worth Making: How to Have Ridiculously Great Sex in a
Long-Lasting Relationship, says there is a trend among heterosexual women whose relationships with men have left them discouraged and annoyed.
“Whether it’s their male partners’ excessive need for caretaking, their limited ability to sexually connect, or the emotional labor required to handle a male partners’ emotional limitations, many women just feel relieved to be done with the whole thing,” he says.
Because many women tend to over-function in relationships, Snyder says they end up neglecting
their own needs. “Sometimes a woman who finds herself single realizes it’s the first time she’s been able to think about her own needs. She naturally might want to keep that going for a while, before having to confront a partner’s needs again.”
Stephen Snyder, MD
Whether it’s their male partners’ excessive need for caretaking, their limited ability to sexually connect, or the emotional labor required to handle a male partners’ emotional limitations, many women just feel relieved to be done with the whole thing.
For people who identify as having “out of control sexual behavior,” they can sometimes benefit from a period of no sex, where they can learn other ways to regulate their emotions, says Snyder.
He explains that sexual desire can feel like a ‘drive’ similar to that of hunger or thirst.
“But if you don’t satisfy hunger or thirst, they only get stronger. Sexual desire isn’t like that. It’s more like an emotion, where if you don’t respond, it tends to dissipate and give way to other emotions,” says Snyder. “That can be important for people to learn, and a period of celibacy can sometimes be a good way to learn it.”
For those who identify as asexual, meaning they experience little or no sexual attraction to others, engaging in sexual activity may not be a priority or desire, leading them to adopt a celibate lifestyle, says Amie Leadingham, certified relationship coach.
Movements Related to Celibacy
The following movements are related to celibacy.
4B Movement
Initiated in Korea in recent years, the 4B Movement: bihon, bichulsan, biyeonae, bisekseu, stands for the refusal of heterosexual marriage, childbirth, romance, and sexual relationships.
In a paper in the Journal of Gender Studies, the authors state that the 4B Movement “encompasses not only criticisms of the pro-natalist turn in state policy and protests against it, but also various forms of self-help discussions and practices that are explicitly oriented towards women’s individual futures.”4
Boysober
Boysober, a term coined by influencer and comedian Hope Woodard, is the act of abstaining from dating and sex to focus on self-care.
“Constantly engaging in the dating process can be emotionally taxing, especially when relationships don’t work out as expected,” says Leadingham.
Some people choose celibacy to avoid the dating world to heal, reevaluate their priorities, and work on themselves without the emotional distractions of dating.
I was exhausted from all the emotional games with dating and online dating,” she says. “During this period, I was able to take a step back from the dating world and work on my personal development.
After years of struggling with dating fatigue, Leadingham took a “boysober” hiatus from dating apps, communication with her exes, hookups, situationships, dates, and she practiced celibacy for five months to focus on herself.
“I was exhausted from all the emotional games with dating and online dating,” she says. “During this period, I was able to take a step back from the dating world and work on my personal development.”
She focused on creating a space to heal, reassess her priorities, and work on self-improvement without the distractions or pressures of romantic relationships.
“This process helped me get in touch with myself and boosted my self-worth, as I wasn’t falling into bed with the wrong partners and feeling horrible when they ghosted,” says Leadingham.
During the five months, she became more conscious and intentional with who and what she let into her life. “When I finally felt confident in myself, I returned to dating, knowing exactly what I wanted. In a short few months, I met the love of my life,” she says.
Strategies for Embracing the Celibacy Lifestyle
If you’re ready to give celibacy a try or are currently celibate, the following tips can help you embrace this lifestyle.
Engage in Charitable Work
“12-step fellowships operate on that principle: you’re helping others, and in the process working on yourself. Plus you feel connected to the fellowship and to a ‘higher power,’ which can help you feel less lonely and separate,” says Snyder.
Prioritize Self-care
Many people report that during a period of celibacy they’re able to focus on their own needs without the distractions of needing to take care of a partner, says Snyder. Consider meditation, exercise, nutrition planning, sleeping, and other activities and pursuits that bring you joy, purpose, and growth.
Practice Non-Sexual Intimacy
Fostering deep connections with others without sex is possible. Leadingham suggests quality time and undivided attention through meaningful conversations, physical touch through hand-holding or hugging, acts of service, thoughtful gift-giving, words of affirmation, shared activities and hobbies, emotional vulnerability where both partners are seen and heard, and consistent support through life’s ups and downs.
“The key is to focus on the other person and what makes them feel uniquely loved, seen, and cherished,” she says.
Surround Yourself With a Support System
Spend time with people who support and respect your choice, and lean on them when you need encouragement. “If no one in your circle understands your choice, you don’t need their approval,” says Leadingham. “Search out celibacy support groups online in your local area to find like-minded people. Above all, trust that you are on a unique journey that’s
right for you.”
Stand Up For Your Choice
When faced with societal pressures or criticism about celibacy, Ledingham says stand firm in your convictions and use it as a chance to share your perspective with openness and honesty.
“Choosing to be celibate can be a brave and meaningful decision, but it’s not always an easy path. It’s understandable to face challenges and moments of doubt along the way. Remember to be kind and patient with yourself.”