First Date Anxiety? An Expert Weighs in on How to Calm the Jitters

If there’s any activity that comes with a whirlwind of emotions, it’s a first date. Regardless of the activity, you’re probably feeling any combination of excitement, nervousness, stress, hope, and a lot more.

First dates can be anything from an hour spent having coffee with a stranger you’ll never see again to a full day getting to know the person you’ll be with for the rest of your life—and the pressure we put on ourselves to make a good first impression can be enormous.

Like any new thing you try, there are ways to set yourself up for success when going on a first date. Finding ways to calm your nerves and go into it in an optimistic yet chilled-out headspace—rather than like a bundle of nerves—will help you have the most fun on your date and the clearest eyes through which to view the person you’re going out with.

First dates are stressful, but you deserve success in love and we know you’ve got this! It’s impossible to know how a first date will go in advance. This includes knowing whether or not the two of you will have chemistry, or if they’ll feel the same way you feel about them. While that may feel stressful, all you can do is give yourself grace and do your best to get yourself into a calm and positive mindset. Our expert-approved tips will help you do just that.

Getting in a Good Head Space

Just like how it’s normal to be nervous before public speaking no matter how many times you’ve done it before, you may find yourself with jitters before a first date no matter how many dates you’ve been on in the past. Every first date is entirely different because every new person you go out with is entirely different, it makes sense to be wary of the unknown.

Before heading out you may find yourself reliving those past first dates, especially the bad ones, and worrying this next one won’t be great either. You might even be worrying about the unknowable aspects, like who will be paying for the outing or if they actually look like their profile picture.1

“Dating is all about being fully present in yourself so that you can show up authentically,” explains relationship therapist Kaylee Friedman. “Before a date, spend some time getting grounded and in touch with your intuition and your needs from this experience,” she suggests.

By this, she means that you need to treat yourself compassionately about the fact that dating is challenging and give yourself permission to feel those jittery feelings, rather than suppressing them.

Friedman recommends a calming activity to help get you into the right headspace to meet someone new. This could be taking a walk, doing some deep breathing, having a bath, or writing down your feelings.

Presenting Yourself Well

This is the part where we say it like it is: As the old adage goes, you never get a second chance to make a first impression. Sure, it takes a lot more than one date to know if someone is worthy of your time and attention, but setting yourself up for success in the first impression department certainly doesn’t hurt.

If you’re anxious about how you’ll come across on a first date, we can assure you that looking (and smelling) your best is a major part of the equation.

Ensure that your hygiene is up to snuff for potential romance by showering that day, putting on whatever outfit makes you feel like a 10, spritzing your favorite perfume or cologne, and performing any other personal tasks that give you a little extra boost of confidence.

Once you’re on your date, it’s important to try and relax. While it may sound counterintuitive, “If you want to create a good first impression, don’t focus too hard on creating a good first impression!” says Friedman.

That’s because “the more you focus on how you are perceived, the less you will be comfortable being yourself.” Instead, she says to “focus on staying fully present in your body and in the moment, and responding to what you’re noticing about the other person.”

Prepare for Engaging Conversation

Unless you’ve decided to do something like watch a movie or a play (which tbh we don’t recommend for a first date), most first dates center around conversation. That’s the way we most typically connect with other people, and the deeper we go, the more we can learn.2

“Put your curiosity hat on, and be curious not just about the other person, but about your own experience of them,” recommends Friedman. It’s not just about how they perceive you, but also how you feel about them.

Allowing yourself to open up while also being present to what your experience is of someone else will enable you to understand better how you feel about them, and help them get to know you too.

To put your best conversational foot forward, Friedman says, “Open-ended questions are great on a date. These are questions that are not yes or no answers, that require more in-depth information to answer,” she explains.

Friedman suggests, “Instead of asking, ‘Did you have a good week,’ which requires a yes/no answer, try asking something like, ‘What were your highs and lows for the week? Tell me what’s been stuck in your head all week or what have you been excited about?'” It’s all about sharing stories over facts.

Other examples include asking a person what they like or dislike about their job, rather than asking if they like it or not, or asking about their future aspirations. Friedman tells us that “these types of questions, open up the conversation and can lead into new and unexpected places.”

Think about what you actually want from the date

First dates are a gamble, and just like with gambling, your chances of finding a perfect match on the first try are far from high. It’s completely normal to only vibe with a small fraction of the people you go on first dates with, and to only consider second dates with an even smaller fraction.

Knowing what you’re looking for will help you find someone else who’s seeking the same. Are you searching for a soul mate, a casual connection, or something in between? Thinking through your own relationship goals in advance will help you articulate those goals with your dates.

As for knowing what someone else wants, your best bet is to just ask clearly. “Being direct and clear about what you want, what your boundaries are, and finding out the same information about the other person is a great way to start off a connection,” says Friedman.

She adds that “playing games, making assumptions, and trying to read signs in order to guess what someone wants will not lead to deep connection or clarity.”

Even if you know the moment you meet someone that they aren’t a romantic fit, being clear about your own goals will help you engage with others. Your date could end up being a fabulous friend, and if you know in advance that you’re open to new friendships, you won’t discount them immediately like you otherwise might.

Be Yourself!

All the preparation in the world can’t prepare you for the most important task you have on your first date: Simply be yourself.

You’re already perfect at that, so there’s no prep needed! “Being yourself on a first date is the most important aspect of dating,” says Friedman. Being yourself enables you to connect with others from an honest and authentic place, which is vital to long-term relationship success.

On the other hand, Friedman explains that “if you are being anyone other than yourself, you risk connecting with someone that is not in alignment with who you truly are or what you truly want. It will be a waste of everyone’s time and energy, and is often how people end up in relationships that are not a good fit for them.”