First dates can be exciting and unnerving. Asking the right questions can help us get to know the person and connect with them. That being said, asking the wrong questions can kill the mood and make things awkward or uncomfortable. The last thing we want is for the date to feel like an interview or interrogation.
A first date should function more as a ‘vibe check,’ to determine whether we enjoy spending time with someone, says Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD, a clinical psychologist and relationship expert. “Being too invasive and probing can cause them to become defensive, put their guard up, and take the fun out of getting to know a person naturally.”
If you’re worried about asking the wrong thing, we’ve got you. Here are some questions you should avoid on a first date, and what to ask instead.
At a Glance
First dates are about getting to know someone and figuring out whether there are any sparks between you. Be mindful of asking overly personal or judgmental questions, as they can be off-putting. Asking the right questions and sharing anecdotes about yourself can help you keep the conversation fun and lively.
Why Asking the Wrong Questions Can Ruin a First Date
- Makes things uncomfortable: Asking your date about something sensitive can make them feel uncomfortable.
- Feels intrusive: Repeatedly asking personal questions or probing them for answers can feel intrusive, putting them on the defensive.
- Comes across as judgmental: Questions that come across as critical can make the other person feel like you’re judging them.
- Turns the date into an interview: When a relative stranger asks intensely personal questions, it can make the date feel like an interview, says Dr. Romanoff.
- Sends the wrong message: Turning the conversation into an interrogation might make it seem like you’re more interested in figuring out whether the person meets your checklist criteria rather than genuinely trying to get to know them for who they are.
- Kills the vibe: First dates are about getting to know each other and having fun. Asking too many questions can kill the vibe and keep you from bonding with the person.
Modern dating, with its abundance of options and shopping-like mentality that has arisen from dating apps, has caused us to adapt a ‘screen-out’ method to dating, says Dr. Romanoff. “As a result, we’re immediately searching for flaws in others, often by way of asking inappropriate or probing questions—instead of enjoying the experience of getting to know them.”
Most people will have pros and cons—this is almost guaranteed—but cutting to the chase and finding their flaws may prevent us from experiencing their good traits, Dr. Romanoff explains.
If you enjoy spending time with someone on the first date, there will be time later to ask the important questions. Those questions aren’t worth asking if you haven’t first established that you have fun with the person and share the same vibe.
20 Questions to Avoid on a First Date
These are some questions to avoid asking on a first date:
- Why are you still single at your age?
- Why did your last relationship end?
- How do you feel about your ex?
- How many people have you dated?
- How much money do you make?
- Do you own your own house?
- Do you have any debt?
- What is your credit score?
- Why haven’t you been promoted at work?
- Why didn’t you go to college?
- How come you’re not close to your family?
- How old are you really?
- How much do you weigh?
- Is that your real hair?
- Why don’t you exercise more?
- Do you always eat this much?
- Do you have any health issues?
- Do you have any mental health conditions?
- Are you on any medication?
- How much do you drink/smoke?
Alternative Questions to Ask on a First Date
If you’re going on a first date, try asking your date some of these questions instead:
- Do you have any hobbies you enjoy?
- How do you spend your weekends?
- How do you unwind after a long day?
- Have you been on any fun trips recently?
- What does your dream vacation look like?
- What’s something on your bucket list?
- What’s your favorite restaurant?
- Do you have a go-to comfort food?
- What’s your all-time favorite movie?
- What type of music are you into?
- Any good books you’ve read recently?
- What’s your favorite thing to do outdoors?
- Which is your favorite season?
- What’s the most exciting thing you’ve done this year?
- What was your dream job when you were a child?
- What’s your favorite memory from childhood?
- What does the idea of “home” mean to you?
- If you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be?
- If you could have a superpower, what would it be?
- If you could have dinner with any celebrity, who would you pick?
Tips for Engaging in Meaningful Conversation on a First Date
These are some tips that can help you have a fun, interesting, and meaningful conversation:
- Ask open-ended questions: Instead of asking questions that can be answered with a simple “yes” or “no,” ask open-ended questions that prompt your date to tell you more about themselves and help you get to know them better.
- Pay attention to the small things: Rather than asking someone direct or invasive questions, Dr. Romanoff recommends paying attention to the small things that indirectly say a lot about them. “Try to learn about the person’s values, perspective, and passions by how they talk about things. People reveal who they are in the details, so pay attention to where they guide conversation and what makes them light up.”
- Be genuine: Be your authentic self with the person and let them see the real you. This will encourage them to be honest and open with you in turn.
- Give them a fair shot: Be aware of how your own anxieties or previous negative experiences might motivate you to try to find the red flags or ask the tough questions in the beginning, says Dr. Romanoff. Give the person a fair shot and keep an open mind.
- Share anecdotes from your life: Share personal stories and anecdotes from your own life, so your date can get to know you. “Meaningful conversation typically sparks genuine emotion,” says Dr. Romanoff.
- Keep your sense of humor: Keep things light, positive, and playful. Humor is a great way to lighten the mood. In fact, research shows us that it’s a highly desired trait in a mate.1
- Look for common ground: Look for shared interests or experiences that you can talk about and bond over. It could be a shared love for dessert, a favorite podcast, or a mutual interest in hiking.
- Listen actively: Put away your phone and avoid any distractions, so you can give your date your full attention. Listen to what they’re saying and show them you’re interested by nodding, maintaining eye contact with them, and asking follow-up questions.
- Compliment them sincerely: Give your date a sincere compliment, preferably something unique and memorable that will make them smile.
- Plan an engaging activity: If you’re nervous about making conversation, it can be helpful to plan your date around an activity, like a visit to a museum or a wine tasting. The setting itself can provide natural conversation starters.
- Show affection naturally: If it feels comfortable and natural, you can show your date affection by holding their hand, lig