Have you ever wished you had someone in your life with whom you shared a connection that was more emotionally intimate than average friendship but didn’t cross the line into sexual intimacy? If this dynamic has crossed your mind, and you identify as a queer person, then you may be interested in a queerplatonic relationship.
It’s exactly what it sounds like: You’re queer, you’re platonic, but you’re also relationship-ing together on some level. So, how does that all work? Let’s look at the benefits, challenges, and dynamics of this relationship style.
What Does a Queerplatonic Dynamic Look Like?
A queerplatonic relationship can function however two or more people decide it should, but there are some basic principles to it. “Queerplatonic relationships often contain more intimacy than a typical friendship might, and often do not include romantic or sexual connection,” explains Madison McCullough, LCSW.
This intimacy can play out in a variety of ways, from more communication to more spent together. ” Queerplatonic relationships might involve more explicit negotiations around how much time will be spent together, how to meet one another’s needs, and overall reliance on one another,” says McCullough. She adds that “people often describe queerplatonic relationships feeling more like family than friendship.”
Queerplatonic relationships often contain more intimacy than a typical friendship might, and often do not include romantic or sexual connection,
This relationship can occur organically, or it can be something that people decide on together. In an organic sense, it might come about by you naturally spending more time together than friends typically do, sharing more about your feelings than friends do, and maybe even being physical in ways like cuddling. Alternately, it can be something you choose, where you and another person decide consciously to fulfill each other’s emotional intimacy needs.
Lastly, it’s important to note that this relationship style could be a fit for a big variety of identities. People who are on the asexual spectrum might find it particularly appealing.
Benefits and Challenges of Queerplatonic Relationships
A queerplatonic relationship, like anything else, has its positives and negatives. Which way the scales will tip is dependent on how it plays out with individual people.
Benefits
A queerplatonic relationship can enable you to get needs met that are often only served by people in romantic relationships together. If you are single and missing out on emotional intimacy, this relationship type could be used to satiate that need.
You can also be in a queerplatonic relationship in addition to any romantic relationships that you’re in, particularly if your romantic or sexual relationships don’t satisfy all of your needs for time spent, feelings talk, or general emotional connection. ” The benefit of this intimacy is being able to experience deep emotional connections with people who are not your romantic partner(s),” says McCullough.
Because a queerplatonic relationship is something you create with another person, it also has the benefit of being flexible as you move through it. Unlike romantic relationships, which many of us enter new situations with lots of ground rules, this type has more room for change and growth. Provided you maintain open communication with your queerplatonic partner, you may be more easily able to grow and change than typical relationships allow for.
Challenges
On the other hand, the emotional intimacy of a queerplatonic relationship can also present challenges. McCullough tells us that the biggest challenge is “that level of emotional intimacy can be a catalyst to romantic and/or sexual feelings developing, which can be confusing and potentially blur some boundaries.”
Additionally, even though this style naturally creates space for growth and change, that doesn’t mean you and anyone else in the relationship will remain indefinitely on the same page. If someone gets a new romantic partner, breaks up with a romantic partner, becomes engaged with a different person in a queerplatonic way that starts taking up a lot of their time, or otherwise drives forward change that only they are ready for or interested in, that can be a huge difficulty.
Navigating Boundaries and Communication in Queerplatonic Relationships
Every type of relationship, whether platonic or sexual, thrives with open communication. “Be clear about your expectations, and how you each define ‘queerplatonic,'” recommends McCullough. If this relationship is occurring on its own, take a pause to have this conversation. And if it’s one you’re entering into consciously, have these discussions at the beginning to make sure you both have the same availability and goals in mind.
Because this is more than a friendship, you’ll want to treat it as such. Having rituals or habits together can help enhance your connection. “It can also be helpful to establish rituals (e.g., trying to talk on the phone at the same day and time each week) that honor the specialness of this relationship,” suggests McCullough. You can also plan activities together, whether that’s going out into the world or just hanging together at home, to make sure you make enough time for each other.
It can also be helpful to establish rituals (e.g., trying to talk on the phone at the same day and time each week) that honor the specialness of this relationship.
Keeping track of where each of you are at will help your queerplatonic relationship stay in a healthy place. “If you start to notice that the relationship is veering in a more romantic or sexual direction, be proactive and initiate a conversation about it,” McCullough advises.
This is useful because when people spend a lot of time together, or even just share a lot of space, feelings can become more complicated and might grow into more. If you are both set on the relationship staying platonic, establish that. And if you both have room for it to morph into something else, that should be clearly started as well.
Queerplatonic Relationships and the LGBTQ+ Community
Like most of the LGBTQIA+ movement, we have Black Trans people to thank for the introduction of queerplatonic relationships. The representation of these relationships dates back to the early days of the queer liberation movement, and specifically the house system in the ballroom scene that was created by queer and trans people of color,” MucCullough says. The LGBTQIA+ movement itself began in the late 1960s, with Marsha P. Johnson, a Black trans woman, at the Stonewall Inn in New York City.1
Studies have shown that Black youth thrived in the House Ball Community, gaining everything from pride to resilience and lowering their risk of exploitation.2 ” Those queer and trans people of color gave the broader queer community a framework for building chosen family, cultivating intimacy, and establishing deep solidarity with one another,” explains McCullough, and notes that “we continue to see the effects of this in queer community today.”
Resources and Support
If everything you’ve been learning about queerplatonic relationships sounds like one may be right for you, you’re probably wondering how to find one. Of course, you can begin with your own social network. Perhaps you have one friend to whom you are able to speak more openly with than others, or you find yourself spending a lot of time together. You can certainly bring up the relationship style and gage their interest.
For those who don’t have a queer social network, there are resources available to help you find one. “Getting involved in your local LGBTQ+ community center is a great way to meet other folks who are interested in establishing queerplatonic relationships,” suggests McCullough. Centers usually have many different types of meetings, depending on how big the one closest to you is. You may be able to start by attending one with others who have similar interests or are in a similar demographic. Some centers, such as the Los Angeles LGBTQ Center, have a wide array of support groups and offer many online.
Social apps can also help you learn more about this relationship style and find others who are navigating it successfully. “. It can also be helpful to look for people’s firsthand accounts of their queerplatonic relationships on social media if you want to learn more,” says McCullough. For example, the Instagram account queerplatonic.love offers insight and advice about queerplatonic relationships.