You know that point in the talking stage when your conversations start feeling slightly…off? It’s not quite unssettling enough to bring it up with the person you’re talking to, but at the same time you’re starting to ask yourself all of the usual questions. Are they busy with work? Talking to someone else? Or just not that into you? And if you know anything about attachment styles, you may liken some of their behavior to being avoidant.
When I think about relationships and how we connect, one thing that stands out is how these attachment styles play into the “getting to know each other” mix. For instance, if you’re dealing with someone who does, in fact, have an avoidant attachment style it can feel like they put up walls when it comes to opening up.
I’ve seen this play out: they might be showing all the signs that they like you and that the two of you are vibing romantically, but when it’s time to get real about feelings they just sort of back off.
“It’s not that they’re uninterested; it’s more like they’re just not comfortable with emotional closeness,” says Dr. Brooke Keels, who has a PhD in Marriage and Family Therapy and is the Chief Clinical Officer at Lighthouse Recovery.
On the flip side, I’ve also met and worked with people who genuinely aren’t interested in deepening relationships. It’s not that they don’t want to open up; it’s just that they don’t see the value in sharing their innermost thoughts and feelings with someone else. And I think there’s a big difference between those two scenarios.
Someone who is avoidant may struggle with emotional intimacy due to past experiences or attachment issues but ultimately still has a desire for connection. Meanwhile, someone who lacks interest may simply not prioritize relationships at all.
It’s beyond confusing when it’s full steam ahead one moment, but the next, it’s just anxiety-provoking silence. While you’re probably already trying to decode their behavior in the group chat, we’re here to pitch in and help you figure out if they have an avoidant attachment style or if they’re just not that into you.
Are They Avoidant?
If the person you’re talking to truly has an avoidant attachment style and isn’t just slow fading, here’s how you can tell. According to attachment theory, how we’re shown love early on in life shapes our capacity for love and romance later on.1 Our focus here is on avoidant attachment. People with this attachment style often struggle with intimacy and tend to keep emotional distance from others.
They may find it hard to open up and share their feelings even with people closest to them. They prefer to be self-reliant and fiercely guard their independence, preferring to push people away rather than lose it. Physical or emotional intimacy can make an avoidant uneasy, and they might downplay the importance of relationships, making people close to them feel dismissed.
“People with an avoidant attachment style have developed patterns of behavior that help them manage their fears around intimacy and dependency,” says Marcus Smith, a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor and Executive Director at Alpas Wellness.
This attachment style often stems from early childhood experiences where their emotional needs were not consistently met. As a result, they learned to rely on themselves and minimize emotional dependence on others. This self-reliance can often be misinterpreted as a lack of interest in a romantic partner.
People with an avoidant attachment style have developed patterns of behavior that help them manage their fears around intimacy and dependency.
In relationships, avoidants struggle with communication. They take too long to reply to messages and avoid deep conversations. They may prefer solo activities to date nights and, early on, could shy away from defining the relationship or committing to a future together. If you get into a fight with an avoidant, it’s not unusual for them to withdraw and shut down emotionally. For them, it’s a defense mechanism to save themselves from getting hurt.
For instance, an avoidant individual might seem distant and uninterested because they don’t frequently initiate contact or express their feelings openly. However, this behavior is not about disinterest but rather a coping mechanism to avoid feeling vulnerable. “They might care deeply but struggle to show it in ways that are easily recognizable,” Smith adds.
Or Is It Truly Just a Lack of Interest?
In the context of romantic relationships, especially in the early stages, avoidants have one of the most challenging attachment styles to deal with. So, confusing avoidant behavior with a lack of interest is easy. But there are slight differences. One to look out for is consistency. While avoidants can seem disinterested in you sometimes, there’s an inconsistency in their behavior. They might ghost you for some time, but then they return and show interest before repeating the cycle.
On the other hand, a person who is genuinely not interested in you is more consistent. The way they interact with you is minimal and unenthusiastic. Someone who is just not that into you will likely show consistent signs of disinterest without the underlying fear of dependency. They might not make efforts to spend time with you, fail to respond to messages promptly or avoid making future plans. Their actions, or lack thereof, communicate a straightforward lack of desire to pursue the relationship further, says Smith.
Aidan vs. John: A Dating Case-Study
Let’s say you’re seeing two guys; let’s call them Aidan and John. Aidan texts you regularly, and when he’s present, you have almost no doubt that he has feelings for you. However, he sometimes disappears for several hours or a few days. When he returns, he apologizes profusely, and you pick up where you left off. Rinse and repeat. The odds are Aidan is avoidant and might be taking off in times of conflict or when he feels overwhelmed.
And then there’s John. John texts you maybe once weekly, or he responds only when you initiate. His messages are brief and unenthusiastic. He never asks any questions about what’s going on with you and can’t even be bothered to answer questions about himself properly. He doesn’t go out of his way to plan a date and seems fine not seeing or hearing from you for days. He might come over a couple of times but only if it’s for a hookup. He might want to keep you on the backburner but he isn’t too intrigued. It’s very likely that John just isn’t interested in you and is unfortunately failing to communicate the fact.
Elizabeth, 25, who recently found after years of therapy that an avoidant attachment style is responsible for many of her failed relationships, shares some insight on how to differentiate avoidant behavior from disinterest.
“People think avoidants prefer not to spend time with their significant others; however, I enjoy hanging out with my loved ones in group settings rather than spending one-on-one time with each person. It just takes the pressure off. So, I often invite romantic partners to picnics and barbeques over movie or dinner dates. I think that is more of a sign of disinterest if I never invited them when I was out with friends or didn’t make time for them at all.”
Communication Patterns Matter
Avoidants try to communicate in ways that maintain their emotional distance without losing their significant other. They might be slow to respond to texts or calls, and when they do, their replies can be brief and to the point, but they’ll also eventually reply. While they avoid discussing their feelings or engaging in deep, meaningful conversations, they might show love in other ways, like with acts of service, for instance. Avoidants communicate the way they do, not because they don’t care but because they want to protect themselves from emotional vulnerability.2
“They might use humor or sarcasm to deflect serious conversations, avoid eye contact during intimate discussions, or change the subject when feelings are brought up. This can confuse their partners, who might interpret these behaviors as disinterest or rejection,” says Smith. For example, during a discussion about future plans, an avoidant partner might respond with vague answers or divert the conversation to a less personal topic. This isn’t because they don’t care about the future with you, but because discussing it makes them uncomfortable and highlights their fear of dependency.
People who aren’t interested in you also seem avoidant when communicating. The main difference is that the motivation behind this is disinterest. You’ll always experience moments of connection with avoidants, although they might sometimes pull back when things get too intimate. On the other hand, someone uninterested will rarely do more than the bare minimum when communicating with you. They might respond out of politeness or obligation, but there’ll be no genuine interest or effort.
In both cases, communication can be a challenge, says Dr. Keels. Since avoidant individuals tend to shy away from emotional topics, it can be difficult for their partners to fully understand them and their needs. At some point, this can become a roadblock in the relationship if not addressed—it can cause frustration, misunderstandings, and even lead to a lack of trust. On the other hand, someone who lacks interest in relationships may not communicate as deeply or frequently, making it harder for their partner to feel emotionally connected. This can also create distance and disconnection in the relationship.
Tips for Effective Communication with an Avoidant Partner
If you have an avoidant partner, you must be empathetic and patient. Here are some tips to help improve your communication:
- Give them space: Respect them when they need their space, and try not to overwhelm them by constantly reaching out. Give them time to process and return to the conversation when ready.
- Be direct and clear: Avoidants respond better to direct and clear communication. Communicate your needs and feelings plainly without beating around the bush.
- Stay calm during conflicts: When you disagree, remain calm and composed. Avoidants tend to shut down when conversations become heated.
- Encourage small steps of intimacy: Encourage your partner to open up gradually. Start with less personal topics and slowly build up to more intimate conversations as they become more comfortable.
- Validate their feelings: Acknowledge their feelings without judgment. Validation can help them feel understood and safe, helping them draw closer to you.
- Set boundaries: Don’t neglect your boundaries and needs. It’s essential to ensure that while accommodating their style, your emotional needs are also met.
Communicating with an avoidant partner is undoubtedly challenging. If it all gets a little much, consider getting help from a relationship therapist. They are more equipped to provide strategies and tools to improve communication between you and your partner.
Pay Attention to Emotional Availability
Another key way to decide if someone is avoidant or just not that into you is by tuning in to how emotionally available someone is. So many people continue dating even when they aren’t actually ready to be in a relationship, which often leads to a trail of broken hearts owned by people they strung along or didn’t invest in emotionally.
Emotional availability means being present, open, responsive, and able to connect deeply. Emotionally available partners share their feelings and vulnerabilities without hesitation. They have meaningful conversations, show empathy, and are willing to engage in the emotional highs and lows that come with intimacy.
An avoidant person can have every intention of showcasing their emotional availability, they might really want a relationship, but they often hit a wall when it comes to emotional intimacy. It’s not because they don’t love you or want you; it’s because they are afraid of being vulnerable. And that’s not the same as someone being emotionally unavailable when they aren’t into you.
Unlike avoidant individuals who fear intimacy, emotionally unavailable people might not see the value in investing emotionally in a relationship. If your partner’s emotional unavailability is situational, however, talking about it and getting to the root of the issue might help. If it’s rooted in an avoidant attachment style, you may need to be more patient and work with a therapist to find the best communication styles for you and your partner.