Human relationships can be complicated, which is sometimes why we often unwittingly fall victim to stereotypes about how relationships should work. While these expectations become normalized in our society, they can sometimes contribute to behaviors that can be unhelpful, toxic, or even harmful.
Let’s look at some problematic norms that make it harder to have a healthy, fulfilling relationship. This article also explores some more helpful ideas that can lead to better relationships with our partners and others in our lives.
Why Do We Normalize Certain Relationship Behaviors?
Like other stereotypes, societal and cultural influences often play a significant role in the formation and maintenance of these problematic behaviors. For example, traditional gender roles reinforce power dynamics in relationships, suggesting that women are more submissive while men are more dominant and controlling.
These beliefs are often so deeply entrenched that they are difficult to escape, even among couples that reject such traditional roles. Even in more egalitarian relationships, women frequently do far more than their fair share of household duties.
Research suggests that women do three-quarters of the world’s unpaid work. This unpaid and often unacknowledged domestic label can significantly impact mental well-being and quality of life.1
Your Childhood May Have Taught You What Is Normal
While cultural norms heavily influence relationship stereotypes, our childhood experiences play a significant role in molding our beliefs and attitudes about how relationships should work. The behaviors and attitudes you observe during your formative years help shape your expectations and assumptions as an adult. Such behaviors are modeled, learned, and normalized within the context of your family, creating a cycle that affects subsequent relationships.
If you grew up in a home where unhealthy dynamics and behaviors were prevalent, you might be more likely to believe these things are simply a part of a “normal” relationship.
For example, if you experienced emotional manipulation and a disregard for personal boundaries from an early age, you’re more likely to reenact those behaviors in your adult relationships.
Behaviors are modeled, learned, and normalized within the context of your family, creating a cycle that affects subsequent relationships.
The Media Perpetuates Relationship Stereotypes
Relationship stereotypes are often reinforced in popular media, including books, movies, television, and music. Such depictions are often highly unrealistic, idealized, and distorted, favoring a fantasy of what society thinks the ideal relationship looks like.
The media also tends to show the best and worst of relationships. They only offer us a narrow view of a relationship in that moment of time. They don’t show the day-to-day issues that couples endure.
And sometimes, they help normalize unhealthy behaviors, including controlling actions, disregard for consent and autonomy, and valuing certain types of relationships over all others.
Because these attitudes are so pervasive and normalized, they are also easily internalized and seen as something desirable.
Other Factors That Play a Role in Creating Stereotypes
In addition to upbringing and media influences, many other factors can contribute to forming and maintaining these relationship stereotypes. Such factors include:
- Biases: Traditional power structures, systemic inequalities, and discrimination also contribute to people’s relationship expectations. This can contribute to oppression that affects how relationships are seen in societies.
- Personal experiences: Your own experiences in relationships, including dynamics with family members and romantic partners, can shape your beliefs.
- Cultural norms: Your culture’s traditions and values also strongly influence how you feel about how people should behave in relationships.
9 Common Relationship Stereotypes That Are Actually Not Okay
Relationship stereotypes can create unrealistic expectations, ultimately making it harder for individuals and couples to form healthy, happy connections. People often feel pressured to conform to a certain role, even if it doesn’t make them comfortable.
Genuine love does not try to control the other person—it is a source of comfort, strength, support, and encouragement. It seeks to help each person become their best possible self, not to place limits on what a person can do or be.
The following are just a few of the common relationship stereotypes that society normalizes.
Heterosexual Relationships Are the Norm
The idea that heterosexual relationships are the norm (or the ideal) is inaccurate and harmful. While deeply rooted, this stereotype can cause LGBTQIA+ individuals to feel that their relationships are less valid, explains Tara Suwinyattichaiporn, PhD, professor of relational and sexual communication at California State University Fullerton. This can also contribute to mental health issues, relationship problems, and social exclusion.
“It can also cause some LGBTQIA+ individuals to feel like they have to fit the norm. One has to be “the woman,” and one has to be “the man” in the relationship. Heteronormativity can make it seem like gender roles should still exist in queer relationships,” Dr. Suwinyattichaiporn says.
On-and-Off Relationships Are Exciting and Passionate
The pattern becomes one of break-up to make-up, and that never leads to feeling satisfied in the relationship. The excitement of believing ‘this time will be better’ leads to an increase of endorphins that tricks our brain into believing that this toxic pattern is good.
On-and-off relationships are often mythologized in popular culture. The idea that people keep returning to one another, time and time again, in spite of the obstacles they face, can seem both exciting and passionate. In fact, such relationships are often portrayed as deep, intense emotional connections.
According to Anabel Basulto, LMFT, a licensed marriage and family therapist at Kaiser Permanente in Southern California, such relationships sometimes happen because people believe they can eventually change their partner. However, such relationships can become toxic if your needs are unmet.
Basulto says, “The pattern becomes one of break-up to make-up, and that never leads to feeling satisfied in the relationship. The excitement of believing ‘this time will be better’ leads to an increase of endorphins that tricks our brain into believing that this toxic pattern is good.”
That doesn’t mean that taking a break in a relationship is necessarily unhealthy. Basulto suggests that taking a break to assess what you each need can be beneficial in some cases.
Controlling Behaviors Equal Love
The idea that control is a sign of love is a harmful stereotype that can promote unhealthy, dangerous relationship dynamics. This stereotype confuses jealousy for interest, control for commitment, and manipulation for love.
“Allowing others to control your behavior and way of thinking could have big implications on your sense of self and self-esteem. Controlling behaviors can also put an individual at risk of developing anxiety and depression,” Basulto says.
These controlling behaviors can range from always needing to know the other person’s location, trying to dictate what they wear or how they act, or isolating them from their friends and family. This undermines the other person’s autonomy and can escalate to abusive behaviors, including verbal, emotional, or physical abuse.
The reality is that healthy relationships are built on trust, interdependence, and empowerment. Genuine love does not try to control the other person—it is a source of comfort, strength, support, and encouragement. It seeks to help each person become their best possible self, not to place limits on what a person can do or be.
Women Are Supposed to Be the Caretakers (of Their Children and Partners)
Traditional gender stereotypes also suggest that women are the primary caretakers in a relationship. This applies not only to children but to their partners as well. And because of this, women are often tasked with doing all of the domestic and emotional labor in a relationship.
“When women carry the load of taking care of everyone in the family, they tend to feel burnt out and ‘touched out’ (the feeling of physical and emotional exhaustion that arises from constant physical contact with one’s children). However, most of the work that a caretaker does is invisible, and so women often feel unappreciated by their family members, and especially partners,” says Gayane Aramyan, LMFT.
This unfair stereotype unfairly burdens women while undervaluing men’s ability to participate equally as caretakers. Aramyan also says that the emotional toll it creates can leave women feeling isolated and hampers their personal growth and well-being.
Men Desire Sex More Than Women
The idea that men have a higher sex drive than women can be problematic and hurtful in a number of ways. For one, it promotes highly gendered beliefs about sexuality, suggesting that men are more motivated by sex while women are passive and must be convinced to engage in sexual activity.
Dr. Suwinyattichaiporn notes that this stereotype can also lead to feelings of low self-esteem. “If you’re a man that doesn’t want to have sex every single day, then you’re seen as invalid and unmanly. If you’re a woman who’s sexually active in the relationship and your male partner is not, you may feel humiliated or unwanted,” she says.
This idea also pressures men to behave in ways that uphold a narrow, stereotyped vision of masculinity, while women are then pressured to conform to this idea that they are inherently less interested than men.
All this has a negative effect on couples. It causes resentment, false expectations, and, ultimately, a misunderstanding of true intentions, leading to breakups.
It is important to remember that all people have diverse drives, desires, preferences, and interests when it comes to sex. Suggesting that desire is dictated by biological sex is an oversimplification of human sexuality.
Everything in Your Relationship Must Be 50/50, or It’s Doomed
While imbalanced dynamics and contributions are unhealthy, the stereotype that everything must be divided exactly in half can also be detrimental to the health of a relationship.
Couples need to work with the natural ebb-and-flow of life and what works for them and their relationship.
“Relationships are like recipes, and not all recipes are the same. The thought of a partnership being 50/50 can cause couples to have unrealistic expectations of what their partner provides in a relationship,” Basulto says.
Each person in a relationship brings their own unique strengths and abilities. Couples need to work with the natural ebb-and-flow of life and what works for them and their relationship.
For example, Basulto notes your partner might be dealing with challenges such as mental illness, health problems, unemployment, or trouble coping with stress. During such times, it is important to be willing to adapt to what they are able to give in the current moment.
It is also critical to communicate, work as a team, and meet each person’s needs in ways that are mutually satisfying.
Women Should Take Men Back If They Cheat, But Not the Other Way Around
Another common stereotype is that women should forgive their partner’s infidelity but that men should not. Each person’s relationship is unique, and rebuilding trust after such a breach of trust is not easy. In some cases, it may not be possible.
Media depictions often suggest that women, particularly women of color, should take back their unfaithful partners. This can contribute to damaging stereotypes that undermine people’s autonomy when making these highly personal decisions.
Research suggests that how likely a person is to forgive their partner hinges on many factors, including personality characteristics and the extent the person believes their partner is responsible for being unfaithful.2
You Should Always Sleep in the Same Bed With Your Partner
It is a common belief that couples are expected to sleep in the same bed each night. It is often depicted as essential to a healthy, intimate relationship. While sleeping next to your partner can have some benefits, it is important to recognize that this doesn’t work for every couple, and sleeping separately is not a sign of romantic dysfunction.
People may choose to sleep in separate beds or rooms for various reasons, including sleep habits, work schedules, health conditions, or sleep difficulties.
People who are easily woken, struggle with falling or staying asleep, or have a condition that might disrupt their partner’s sleep may feel more comfortable sleeping apart. This does not mean, however, that they love their partner less or that they have a less intimate or passionate connection.
Monogamy Is the Only Option
Monogamous relationships are typically presented as the ideal and even the only acceptable type of relationship. While this works well for many couples, that doesn’t mean it is right for everyone.
“Perpetuating the belief that monogamy is the “norm” or “right way” can dismiss and undermine the desires and preferences of individuals who lean towards different relationship structures, creating a sense of judgment and exclusion,” says Aramyan.
Dr. Suwinyattichaiporn notes that this stereotype can lead to feelings of shame and guilt.
“By perpetuating this stereotype, we’re asking individuals to partake in monogamous relationships even if it makes them unhappy. They might feel too guilty to leave their relationship and/or be too ashamed to communicate their desire for an alternative relationship structure,” Dr. Suwinyattichaiporn explains.
People have different needs and expectations when it comes to relationships, and it is possible to find happiness and fulfillment in open, polyamorous, and other forms of ethically non-monogamous relationships. The key to success is to focus on mutual consent, open communication, and honesty.
Challenging the idea that monogamy is the only option can open the door for people to form loving, supportive relationships that work for them without having to conform to rigid societal expectations.
Deciding What’s Normal and Healthy for You in Your Relationship
Societal expectations can pressure individuals and couples to behave in certain ways, but it is essential to remember that all relationships are different. What works in someone else’s situation may not work in yours.
There’s no one-size-fits-all approach to building a healthy relationship. No one is perfect, and mistakes happen to even the strongest couples. It is important to remember, however, that no one should accept abusive behavior.
You can decide what works for your relationship by:
- Reflecting on your needs and values
- Talking to your partner about your expectations and what is important to both of you
- Learning more about healthy relationship dynamics
- Understanding how relationship stereotypes might hurt your own well-being
- Learning to trust your gut and doing what is right for you
- Talking to loved ones and seeking support if you need it
Identifying a specific problem and finding ways to combat it can also be helpful. For example, look for other ways to bring excitement instead of engaging in an on-and-off relationship. Basulto recommends making plans for your next meet-up or vacation can be a great way to generate a sense of anticipation that produces “feel-good” endorphins and help remind you of why you were attracted to your partner in the first place.
Or, if sharing a bed each night isn’t right for you, Aramyan suggests there are other ways for couples to maintain intimacy outside of sharing a bed every night.
“Talk about what intimacy means to each partner and try to bring in some of that throughout the day. Some people feel intimate when they have deep, meaningful conversations, and some people feel intimate with a hug or a kiss,” she explains. What matters more, she says, is taking the time to try to understand each other’s unique intimacy needs.
If some of these normalized relationship stereotypes are creating problems in your relationship, it can be helpful to talk to a couples therapist. By working with a therapist, you can learn to better recognize unhealthy patterns.