Those early days of your relationship are a whirlwind of butterflies, sweet intoxication, and an emotional intensity that makes you think of your special someone at all hours of the day. This “honeymoon stage” is pure bliss, but over time both parties fall back into their usual step—completely with life’s stresses—and that feeling of closeness may fizzle just a bit.
“The longer a couple has been together, the more a couple needs to put in effort to nurture their relationship,” notes Justine Carino, a licensed mental health counselor and the founder of Carino Mental Health Counseling Services. “Couples need to engage in what we call ‘rituals of connection’—a term coined by The Gottmans—in order to maintain quality connection with each other in the midst of their busy days at work and parenthood.”
Carino says these rituals can happen daily, weekly, monthly, or yearly, and that every couple can customize them to their liking. For example, a daily ritual might look like 15 minutes of cuddling in the morning, and a yearly ritual might look like a weekend getaway without the kids. As long as it is consistent and prioritized, Carino says you’ll both benefit from it.
Couples exercises are something you can do routinely, as well. Whether you’re seeking ways to foster a deeper connection with your partner, want to work through a (completely normal) rough patch, or are simply curious about ways to improve your bond, try these exercises for couples.
Goal Setting Date
Getting on the same page with your partner feels great, and setting goals also provides an opportunity to get excited about your future. This might look different for everyone. Maybe it’s a yearly tradition on New Year’s Day, or a bi-monthly sit-down at your favorite coffee shop.
A designated goal setting date “allows space for conversations about our hopes and dreams so we can stay in tune with each other, support each other and stay on the same page,” Carino says. Also set aside time to review your goals after a set elapsed amount of time. This gives you an opportunity to celebrate all you’ve accomplished and acknowledge areas for improvement.
“I Appreciate You” Exercise
There’s no doubt you appreciate so many things that your partner does from morning to night. This is true even if you’re not actively thinking about all the ways they’re making your life easier and relationship more fulfilling. For instance, “Let your partner know you appreciate getting the coffee ready in the morning or the quick kiss hello when you get home before the kids demand your attention,” says Kimberly Malloy, LMFT.
Taking 15 minutes out of your day to simply express this gratitude can make your partner feel better. Research also shows that practicing gratitude can help improve self-esteem1 and foster higher levels of optimism.2
Reflective Listening Session
Take 30 minutes to each share one or two concerns you’re dealing with. Each person should get the stage for half the time, while the other repeats back and validates whatever is expressed. Make eye contact while they are talking, set aside your own agenda or response, and simply repeat “I hear that you’re saying XYZ.”
This active listening and response shows your partner that you hear what they’re saying, and studies show it helps the other person feel more emotionally supported.3 Carino adds, “It allows your partner to truly feel heard and understood by you. They feel comfort and safety knowing you were really listening and thinking about what they are saying.”
As a bonus, might even find yourself doing this with each other more routinely in your daily lives as issues come up.
Synchronized Touch Exercise
Physical touch is one of the key differentiators between romantic and platonic love. While every couple has their own preferences for intimacy, cuddling, kissing, holding hands, and having sex remain incredibly important for the health of your relationship.
For a simple, 15-minute physical intimacy exercise, try synchronized touch. Start by facing each other and taking a few deep breaths to synchronize your breathing. Move on to holding hands, making note of the warmth of their touch and how the closeness makes you feel. Take turns exploring various forms of physical touch together, copying what the other does in real-time. Try to allow yourself to relax and fully immerse yourself in the experience.
Spontaneous Fun
One of the most exciting parts of early dating is trying new things together. Life’s routine eventually sets in, and those days of trying new restaurants or planning a spontaneous day trip become less frequent. To turn up the spice, Malloy suggests adding a little more spontaneity in your life.
“For example, you could purchase a scratch off date idea book,” she says. “Many of the activities will tell you the time it takes to complete, the dollar amount, and energy level. Get in the habit of doing one of these a month and make sure you take a photo of yourselves doing it so you look back on it a year from now and remember the fun.”