What makes a good therapist? The specific answer to this question will be different for each individual. Maybe you’re looking for a therapist who shares your same cultural background or gender identity; maybe you need someone who provides a certain type of treatment, like psychoanalysis or CBT.
But at the very core—down to the basics—there are certain traits and behaviors that all good therapists share.
A good therapist will do these 5 things:
Strike a Balance
Everyone’s therapeutic needs are different, especially when it comes to the rapport you will build with your therapist.
Some people cannot trust a therapist if they don’t feel like they know them on a personal level; if that’s you, you’ll need a provider who is open about their life, and uses their own experiences and identities to foster a connection.
A Therapist Is Not a Friend
However, you should always keep in mind that, even if your therapist does share personal details with you, you are not cultivating a friendship—you are creating a professional relationship focused on you and your needs. A good therapist will not blur the lines between a friendly therapeutic rapport and an inappropriate (and therefore unethical) friendship.
On the other hand, some people only feel comfortable opening up in therapy if their therapist is a blank slate. Knowing very little about their therapist’s personal life might mean they don’t have to worry about saying something they know the therapist might disagree with—this establishes a non-judgmental atmosphere.
A good therapist will discuss with you what you need and will find a balance between these two ends of the spectrum.
If you express that you feel you can only develop a rapport with them if you know more about them personally, a good therapist will work with you to figure out just how much disclosure, and what kind of disclosure, works best for you. If you say that you need to know as little as possible about your therapist in order to establish a rapport, a good therapist will respect that.
Give You Unconditional Support
The entire point of therapy is to establish a place and time that is completely safe. Part of this safety is the ability to count on your therapist for unconditional support, sometimes known as “unconditional positive regard.” This means that, no matter what you disclose, no matter what you say or do, a good therapist will accept you and your emotions without judgment.
Unconditional support means that you are never the bad guy for expressing your thoughts and feelings. This doesn’t mean that your therapist will not work with you to help you understand the things you are doing that might not be good for you or the people around you; on the contrary, unconditional positive regard means that nothing is off the table.
A good therapist will accept and support you as a person no matter what you express to them. That’s their job.
Respect Your Boundaries
Even though the point of therapy is to learn and grow, a good therapist will never push you past your breaking point. At the same time, a good therapist will challenge you; this might lead you to emotional places that you have never been before or that are upsetting. But a good therapist will recognize when you have reached your limit and will work with you to get you back to a safe emotional place before the end of the session (so that you don’t go home with an emotional hangover).
For example, say you have spent the session getting into the nitty-gritty of a problem that has been negatively affecting you, and you have been getting increasingly emotional during the session. A good therapist will note the time (maybe five or ten minutes before the session is due to end) and start helping you wind down so that you don’t leave the session at the height of your emotions.
They might start by telling you how many minutes you have left and walk you through some breathing exercises or ask you to focus on how you are feeling in your body to help you calm down. This ensures that you won’t be leaving your session feeling “high and dry” in the middle of a heightened emotion or crying spell, which could otherwise make it difficult for you to transition back into your life post-session.
Not Be Biased
A therapist is a person, just like you or me. That means that, no matter what kind of face they put on when they’re wearing their therapist hat, their thoughts will be dictated by how they personally feel. However, that doesn’t mean that their actions and reactions in session should be.
A good therapist will be able to put aside their biases in order to meet you wherever you are at.
Disagreeing with your political stance or not sharing the same spirituality, for example, should never affect the kind of care you receive from your therapist. A good therapist can put their own opinions to the side and discuss anything with you without judgment.
Depending on the kind of therapist you want—again, whether you want a blank slate or someone you know a lot about—a good therapist will take this into account when dealing with their own biases. If you fall into the latter camp, your therapist should be able to express differing opinions in a way that stimulates conversation and introspection rather than causing an argument; if you prefer the former, your therapist should be able to remain neutral during the session and discuss their private feelings about anything you’ve expressed in their own therapy.
Which leads us to the fact that a good therapist will…
Be in Therapy Themselves
A therapist should be working with a therapist themselves, or should have been in therapy in the recent past. At the very least, a therapist should be in “supervision”—that means that they meet with a senior therapist to discuss any issues that may come up in their own practice.
No matter how much you and your therapist have in common (whether you know it or not), thoughts and feelings will inevitably arise for any therapist working with any sort of person. A good therapist will have their own therapist with whom they can discuss these things. This prevents any of those thoughts and feelings from building up and spilling over in session, which could negatively affect you and your therapist’s rapport and the work you are doing together.
Is It OK to Ask My Therapist If They’re in Therapy Too?
You can absolutely ask. Depending on the type of therapeutic relationship you have with your therapist, they might choose not to answer (for example, if you are in psychoanalysis and part of the process is for your therapist to be a blank slate); but in that case, you can have a conversation about what their being in therapy means to you. Would it make you trust them more? Would it make you question their judgment?
This might bring up another question for you—how can a therapist help me if they need help themselves?
Therapy isn’t just for “crazy people” (to be clear, this is stigmatizing language that is too often used—but shouldn’t be) or people dealing with severe mental illness—anyone can benefit from therapy, including therapists. Participating in therapy is a healthy part of anyone’s mental self-care.
Think of it this way: you wouldn’t trust a driving instructor who didn’t have their own driver’s license, right? Therapy is the same.
Final Thoughts
A good therapist will always:
- Strike a balance
- Give you unconditional support
- Respect your boundaries
- Not be biased
- Be in therapy themselves
If the therapist you are working with does all these things, you can rest easy knowing you are in good hands. If your therapist is lacking in any of these areas, it might be time to have a conversation with them about what you need and how they can help you; and if they don’t react positively or supportively to that conversation, it might be time to look for someone new.