What Is Emotional Baggage?
You may have heard the phrase “emotional baggage” and wondered what exactly it means.
The term “emotional baggage” refers to unfinished emotional issues, stressors, pain, and difficulties we’ve experienced that continue to take up space in our minds and affect our present relationships, says Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD, a clinical psychologist, and professor at Yeshiva University.
Clinically speaking, emotional baggage is essentially unprocessed trauma, Dr. Romanoff explains.
The term “emotional baggage” can be stigmatizing as it generally tends to have negative connotations in relationships. For instance, people tend to avoid prospective partners whom they perceive as having “too much emotional baggage.”
This article explores the symptoms and causes of “emotional baggage,” as well as some coping strategies that may be helpful. Because the term “emotional baggage,” can be stigmatizing, this article will use the term “unresolved trauma” going forward, except for quotes from expert sources.
Symptoms of Unresolved Trauma
It’s important to normalize trauma responses as the people experiencing them are often unaware that they are engaging in these behaviors and there is often a feeling of being ‘stuck’ that accompanies the trauma response.
Below, Dr. Romanoff outlines some of the signs and symptoms of unresolved relationship trauma.
Lack of Trust
A major sign of unresolved trauma is lack of trust in your relationships. If you’ve been hurt in the past, you might use that experience as a template or a guide for what to expect in your current relationships.
Painful past experiences can lead to stress, doubt, and trust issues. Lack of trust can also be the result of dishonest parents or only being exposed to distrust in relationships. This may manifest through difficulty with commitment and being emotionally unavailable to new partners.
A person who is unable to trust others may seek to control different aspects of the relationship to feel safe and get reassurance.
Fear and Paranoia
When you’re operating on templates based on painful past experiences, you will likely experience fear or paranoia that they may happen again. If you are unable to move forward from that trauma, you might feel like your preoccupation with those experiences is helping you avoid future pain.
You might begin to live your life through a constrained lens that prevents you from being vulnerable or getting hurt again. When people have broken your trust, it makes sense to fear that the worst can happen if you are not careful. However, these thoughts and behaviors only make it more difficult to connect and enjoy your relationship.
While it can be helpful to be cautious at times, paranoia usually creates a self-fulfilling prophecy, as it causes tension and conflict in relationships, leading to the very issues you were hoping to avoid.
Anger and Frustration
It’s common for people with unresolved trauma to think about the worst things that happened to them which can impact their ability to stay in the present moment and holds them back from fully living their lives and connecting with others.
Constantly being held back by your past can lead to residual feelings of anger and frustration, which might be directed at yourself, current partners, friends, or family members.
Guilt and Regret
You might tend to repetitively think about the past or a current issue you haven’t been able to resolve. You might also experience regret about decisions you’ve made in the past or guilt for your behaviors.
Ruminating thoughts happen automatically. People who experience them usually feel exhausted by them and want it to stop, but feel stuck.
Exposure to trauma can also lead to mental health conditions such as post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), mood disorders, and anxiety disorders.1
Causes of Unresolved Trauma
These are some of the potential causes of unresolved trauma, according to Dr. Romanoff:
- Abuse
- Childhood trauma2
- Neglect or unmet needs
- Painful break-ups or romantic conflicts
- Other stressful, frightening, or traumatic events
For example, maybe someone didn’t appreciate your efforts, you experienced physical or emotional abuse, or you stayed in a relationship that was unhealthy for far longer than you should have, Dr. Romanoff explains.
The common theme is when one person is contributing a great deal of resources to a situation or person–time, money, emotions–and the outcome is not proportionate to what they are putting in.
If you or a loved one are a victim of domestic violence, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 for confidential assistance from trained advocates.
For more mental health resources, see our National Helpline Database.
Coping With Unresolved Trauma
Dr. Romanoff shares some strategies that can help you cope with unresolved trauma.
Recognize How It’s Affecting You
The first step is to identify the metaphorical baggage you’re carrying. Recognize the impact it’s having on you and how it’s coloring your world today. It’s important to develop self-awareness and insight.
Once you are able to understand the impact your past experiences have on your present, you can begin to question whether you are responding appropriately to current situations or whether you are carrying threats from your past into your present.
Change Your Perception
The reality is everyone has been hurt and treated poorly, or experienced pain in the past. The distinction is what you do with those experiences.
If you can make the shift and try to understand what you can learn from those experiences, how you can evolve, and become better from them, it can help you feel stronger, more empowered, and better in the long run, rather than viewing yourself as permanently damaged because of what happened to you in the past.
Focus on the Present
People with unresolved trauma tend to have their feet planted in two worlds–one in their past experiences and one in their current life. It’s important to recognize when you’re responding to the current world through the lens of the past and bring yourself back into the present.