We have many idioms about grass, often based on how green it is, as a way to think about our own lives. For example, “the grass is greener where you water it,” which tells us that we get out of life what we put into it.
Far more common, however, is the idea that “the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.” No matter how good we may have it, we still have a sense that others have it better, whether or not that’s ever actually the case.
The feeling that other people have lives that are more impressive, fulfilling, or happy than our own can come and go throughout our lives depending on what’s going on in our careers, relationships, and families, but it’s definitely normal to feel it at some point.
If you’ve been struggling with feeling like the grass is always greener on the side, fear not: There are some great ways to cope with this. Read on to learn why we tend to feel this way, and how to deal with it.
Why It Feels Like the Grass Is Always Greener on the Other Side
It’s perfectly natural to be envious of others from time to time. “Even when we really know better, we sometimes convince ourselves that other people’s lives are much better than ours because of how they present themselves or what we view as ‘lacking’ in our own lives,” explains Dr. Patrice Le Goy.
You might be extra prone to feeling like others have a better life than yours when you’re feeling dissatisfied with one or more elements of your own. “Everyone experiences challenges whether we see them or not, but if we’re going a particularly difficult time, we can really feel that the grass must be greener,” says Le Goy, who notes that “we are more susceptible to it when we are feeling disappointed or disheartened about something happening in our lives.”
As you might already suspect, even when we’re feeling content in our lives, the best-foot-forward world of social media can be a doozy on our pride and egos. “Social media makes us more prone to comparing ourselves to other people,” says Le Goy.
We get such a curated, edited view of someone’s life, so when you scroll and scroll and only see someone’s luxurious vacation, new job, wedding photos, or baby announcement, that can really wear us down…especially if they are highlighting something you would like to have for yourself.
Even as a very happy person who has reached nearly all of the life goals I’ve set for myself, I still sometimes feel like my life doesn’t measure up to that of others when I scroll through my Instagram feed. That’s extra ridiculous when I think about how many people have told me that my own life is their ideal.
No matter where you’re at in life, you’re susceptible to the illusion of others having it better.
The notion that the grass is always greener is thought to be a repercussion of what’s known as “Focusing Illusion,” which is a way that our brains get mixed up by thinking certain parts of our lives are more important than others based on where we’ve placed our focus.
It can make us think we’d be happy if only we were rich, or living in a different city.1 In turn, we can become unhappy with any part of our current lives, because we mistakenly think a single change could fix our whole mentality.
Impact on Relationships
It should come as no surprise that the belief others are feeling and doing better than we are can be a bummer for those around us. Le Goy points out that anyone in our life can become the victim of our grass-is-greener mentality, noting that “we have to remember that we are not only comparing ourselves with others, we are comparing everything in our lives—so our friends, our partners, our families.”
Comparison of our loved ones doesn’t lead to anything positive. “If you are constantly comparing them to a ‘perfect’ image of someone else’s life, eventually no one is going to measure up (even if they seemed great before),” says Le Goy.
In turn, she says that can make the people in your life begin to resent you. They didn’t do anything wrong, but if you’re feeling like they’re less great than others, that just isn’t fair to anyone.
Effects on Career and Life Choices
Knowing that this mentality can lead to pain for others while being completely unpleasant for you, it’s important to get a grip on your idea that the grass is always greener on the other side before you potentially cause harm to your friendships, relationships, family, or employment situation.
When it comes to our careers, this phenomenon can lead us to think less clearly. “We could make the mistake of accepting a job only because we think it will give us that status or income that will look good to other people, rather than considering what is actually right for us,” says Le Goy.
Alternatively, we could always be on the hunt for something newer and better, and that actually has been shown to not lead to more happiness at work.2
In our personal lives, we can alienate our families and friends by thinking they aren’t up to snuff compared to others. This is hurtful, and your loved ones can’t be expected to be happy when you compare them to other people—especially when your comparison is to a social media view of someone else, not even on the real thing.
For our romantic relationships, this attitude can be alienating and hurtful there, too. On the other hand, the grass-is-greener mindset might actually keep us stuck in a lousy situation.
We may stay in an unhealthy relationship for too long, just because we want others to think that we are in a happy loving situation, even if it is just a facade.
This mindset “can cause us to make decisions based on this alternate reality of outward appearances rather than being true to ourselves and our needs,” Le Goy says.
Overcoming Envy
No matter how icky all this is making you feel if you’re relating a bit too hard, know that this isn’t a mindset you have to be stuck in. You absolutely can escape feeling like the grass is always greener on the other side and the idea that other people have a better life than you do. The first step, of course, is to come to the awareness that this is how you’re living, and to be committed to changing it.
Next, you can take some pretty simple actions to improve your perspective. First and foremost, pay attention to when this feeling starts creeping up, and switch your activity. “We really need to remind ourselves that no one’s life is perfect and that it can be helpful to minimize activities (such as endless social media scrolling) that leave us feeling worse than we did before,” suggests Le Goy.
If you have a hard time putting your phone down, set your phone up to take over for you. Use Screen Time to limit how long you can spend on social apps daily, or give yourself a phone bedtime where you set your social apps to automatically become inaccessible between certain hours. inasmuch as our phones can be the cause of this problem, we can also use them as a solution.
Changing Your Mindset
Shifting your mindset is also key. “We can also work on releasing the ‘scarcity mindset’ that tells us that if something good happens to someone else, there is now a shortage of good things that will happen for you,” recommends Le Goy.
She adds that “a friend’s win or a family member’s win should feel like a win for you too.” The supply of happiness and satisfaction in the world is a bottomless well, and there is no need for you to be afraid that there isn’t enough success or fulfillment left for you.
Feeling like the grass is always greener on the other side is no fun at all, but thankfully, you can put a stop to it. Try employing the above steps, and you may soon find yourself feeling much better about your life.