Ever wonder why your family can trigger your anxiety like nobody else, even when otherwise your anxiety might feel under control? Listen, we get it.
Having your family trigger your anxiety is a very common problem. Read on to learn more about anxiety triggers, how your family might be triggering your anxiety, and how to cope with family when anxiety rears its ugly head.
Understanding Anxiety Triggers
There are lots of things that can easily trigger anxiety, especially when family is involved.
“It’s common for people to feel triggered or on edge around family members when there are expectations of what people should do, say, think, or feel,” explains Yolanda Renteria, LMFT. “People’s anxiety is often triggered when they’re afraid of making mistakes, making people upset, or disappointing family members.”
Your anxiety might be triggered if you feel like your family has unreasonable or unfair expectations of you—for example, if they don’t approve of your job or your significant other—or if their political opinions differ from yours.
Even small things can be anxiety triggers. If you know that a certain aunt is always going to ask you why you aren’t married yet, or if a sibling is definitely going to try to compare the two of you like they always do, that can stir up old and deep-seated anxiety.
Family Dynamics and Anxiety
“Family dynamics” refers to how members of a family relate to and interact with each other. Every family has their own unique dynamics.
“Family dynamics can have a direct and significant impact on a person’s anxiety,” explains Ivy Kwong, LMFT. “Rigid roles and expectations, poor communication styles, high conflict, ongoing or historic abuse, financial stressors, enmeshment, and cultural and societal pressures in a family can all impact someone’s levels of anxiety.”
If some of these dynamics feel emotionally upsetting or painful, that can lead to anxiety.
Rigid roles and expectations, poor communication styles, high conflict, ongoing or historic abuse, financial stressors, enmeshment, and cultural and societal pressures in a family can all impact someone’s levels of anxiety.
Unfair Expectations
Maybe your mother always comes to you after a fight or disagreement with your father, expecting you to act as a go-between—that expectation of having to be the mediator can be anxiety-inducing. Or maybe, as the middle child, you feel as though you constantly have to prove yourself and your worth to your parents and siblings—this can also cause anxiety.
Poor Communication
Communication is key. “Poor communication in a family including frequent criticism, lack of emotional support, or unclear expectations can create a stressful environment and lead to misunderstandings and conflicts that increase anxiety,” says Kwong.
Cultural and Societal Values
“Strong cultural values and societal pressures can define family dynamics and expectations,” explains Kwong. “Cultural and societal values and expectations about gender roles, family duty, and honor, and how success is defined can impose stress and contribute to anxiety, especially if individuals feel they may be punished, unloved, or ostracized for not meeting certain expectations.”
Unconscious Dynamics
Often, these dynamics are unconscious—most people might not realize how their family functions emotionally unless they really take the time and effort to examine patterns of behavior or talk about it in therapy. This means that, often, family members can unknowingly trigger your anxiety.
“In certain family dynamics there can be unspoken roles that different members are expected to play such as the caregiver, peacemaker, or hero,” explains Kwong. “When unrealistic or excessive expectations are put on an individual like the need to be perfect or to sacrifice their needs and feelings for those of others, this can result in increased stress and anxiety.”
Genetic Predisposition and Anxiety
Anxiety can be hereditary, especially if you experience anxiety symptoms at a young age. So if someone or multiple people in your family have anxiety, it’s likely that you might inherit that trait.1
“Individuals with a family history of anxiety may inherit a heightened sensitivity to stressors, making them more prone to anxiety in response to environmental triggers,” explains Kwong. “Research has also shown that if a close family member such as a parent or sibling has an anxiety disorder, an individual is at higher risk of developing anxiety which may be due to environmental or genetic factors, or a combination of both.”
If there is a family history of anxiety, it’s also very likely that, as a family, certain coping mechanisms or reactions to anxiety symptoms have been developed over the years that you are likely to have learned.
This behavior functions kind of like osmosis—being surrounded by anxiety can teach you how to react to your own anxiety, for better or for worse.
For example: “If a parent exhibits anxious behaviors like hypervigilance, excessive worrying, and avoidance, a child may learn to respond in a similar manner,” says Kwong. “These patterns may be observed, internalized, and adopted from parent to child, from one generation to the next, unless and until there is work done to address and heal the root of the anxiety.”
Regression and Family Triggers
“Regression” means reverting to old patterns of thought and behavior when you’re with your family.2 This might mean that you start behaving and reacting to triggers like you did when you were younger rather than how you normally behave and react as an adult. This might also mean anxiety triggers from your childhood or a time when you interacted more with your family might return with a vengeance.
Similarly, your family dynamics might regress as well. Your parents, for example, might treat you like a child rather than the independent adult that you are. They might try to relieve you of the responsibilities you face every day as a grown-up or dismiss your feelings or opinions that differentiate you from them. You also might start interacting with your siblings the way you used to when you were a child, which can result in fighting and jealousy.
Regression can trigger anxiety because it highlights the difference between your previous identity as a child and your current identity as an adult, and places these two identities in conflict.
It might bring up painful memories and associations that you haven’t had to face in years, which can also trigger anxiety.
Feeling regressed can also affect your decision-making when you’re with your family. “Regression can lead someone to make impulsive or immature decisions they later regret,” explains Renteria, “which is likely to reinforce existing dysfunctional family dynamics and increase regret later on.”
So before you engage in an argument with your siblings or tell your parents to mind their own business, think about why you’re reacting that way and acknowledge that you might just be feeling triggered due to regression.
Coping Strategies for Dealing with Family Triggers
Luckily, there are many different coping strategies when it comes to dealing with family-induced anxiety.
Set Boundaries
One of the best things you can do for yourself when going into a family situation that might trigger anxiety is to set boundaries. But how?
“Start by deciding how often and for how long your body can tolerate interactions with family members with whom you feel anxiety and don’t agree to things outside of your comfort zone just to please others,” suggests Renteria. “Listen to your gut, learn to say no to things that feel uncomfortable, and limit how much time you spend around these family members.”
This might mean excusing yourself when your uncle starts ranting about politics, or giving a vague answer to the question “How’s your love life?” and quickly changing the subject. Decide what you can tolerate and what you can’t, and treat those decisions with respect.
Start by deciding how often and for how long your body can tolerate interactions with family members with whom you feel anxiety and don’t agree to things outside of your comfort zone just to please others.
Honor Your Feelings
Renteria also recommends that you “practice tolerating people’s discomfort when you enforce your boundaries.” If someone disagrees with you or tries to push you past your comfort level, work on not immediately letting it slide just because it seems like the path of least resistance. Honor your feelings and allow yourself to extricate yourself from the situation.
If you can’t escape that situation—maybe you are staying with your parents or are at a family function that doesn’t allow for alone time—taking some deep breaths and going on an extra-long bathroom break can do wonders. Practice self-care by respecting your feelings and letting yourself off the hook for needing things from your family that they might not be able to provide.
Try “I” Statements
If you do feel as though you can address your anxiety with the family members that are triggering you, all the better. Try bringing the subject up gently, using plenty of “I” statements. You could say:
- “It makes me feel bad when you say or do X.”
- “I feel like you aren’t respecting my boundaries when you say or do X.”
- “I want to be able to talk to you about X, but it feels difficult.”
- “I need X from you right now.”
Your family might not know how you are feeling unless you tell them. This can be a great step towards mitigating your family-induced anxiety.
Seeking Professional Help
If you feel as though you cannot handle or improve your anxiety alone, you can always look for a therapist with whom you can address these concerns.
Talking in individual therapy about your anxiety triggers as they relate to your family can be especially helpful. A therapist can help you recognize your triggers and learn to react to them in a way that is healthy and emotionally appropriate3.
Going into any interaction with your family armed with an understanding of what you need and what you are realistically going to get can pop that anxiety bubble and de-escalate the situation.
It might also be useful to engage in family therapy. Family therapy can help you learn to communicate effectively with any member of your family and identify personal and shared triggers that affect your interfamily relationships. Being able to address these issues directly with the help of a therapist as a skilled mediator can lead to insights and improvements that might not otherwise be possible.
However, bear in mind that your family members, especially the ones with whom you might have a more strained relationship, may not be open to family therapy or see the value in it. In spite of this, you can still work on your relationships and anxiety triggers in individual therapy.
Final Thoughts
Family can trigger anxiety, no doubt about it. But by understanding the underlying issues causing your anxiety, preparing for any possible regression when interacting with your family in anxiety-inducing situations, and seeking outside help in therapy to address your anxiety, you can learn to take the wind out of the sails of your family-based anxiety.