Your own child, a bully? Terrible idea! Special needs teacher Katja Seide explains how empathy develops and which parenting mistakes you can avoid. Because even well-intentioned measures can have a detrimental effect on a child’s development.
1. the people around the child do not show any real feelings
Let’s say a little boy hits another boy on the head with a shovel. Then it is counterproductive if we grown-ups – although we are angry – murmur “That wasn’t nice, Konstantin-Noah!” in a friendly voice and perhaps even make an amicable or indifferent face.
This is counterproductive because it prevents the child’s brain from correctly memorizing what feelings are triggered in the other person when the child hits, says cheeky things or does nice things. However, in order to develop empathy, correct memorization of action and reaction is urgently needed.
After all, empathy and social behavior are not automatically innate. A small child’s brain first has to memorize what feelings there are. It also stores which facial expressions and gestures people normally show when they have these feelings. It also stores how to react appropriately to these feelings. This is why it is important to react authentically as adults when emotions arise.
However, total “freaking out” by parents is not authentic. In my opinion, the word is too often misused by adults who justify their uncontrolled outbursts of anger: “I’m just being authentic…” No. Just no. Our feelings are our own responsibility. Abandoning this responsibility and handing it over to a child is not very mature.
2. the parents do everything to ensure that the children are not disappointed
In order to survive in life, children need to develop resilience. This means that they must learn to endure and overcome setbacks in order to emerge stronger afterwards. The basis for this is self-efficacy and social resonance. If a child experiences from an early age that they can achieve and accomplish things themselves, they develop real self-confidence.
If they receive feedback from their attachment figures that they also believe that they can achieve things, the effect is multiplied. The inner attitude of the adults is more important than their words. It is more impressive when parents anxiously hold the climbing child than when they say: “You can do it!” This would leave the child’s brain with the uneasy feeling of only being able to master climbing with help.
It is therefore important to allow children to fail on a small scale right from the start. It is unfavorable to remove all obstacles from a child’s path, because the frustration of not being able to do something yet stimulates the inner motivation to surpass oneself. If parents repeatedly prevent this, the result is people who are unfit for life, who are broken by even minor setbacks or who don’t even tackle things for fear of failing.
3. parents offer substitute satisfaction instead of real comfort
If something goes wrong and the parents offer the child a small gift as a consolation, they are only satisfying the lazy basic system of the child’s brain. This likes quick satisfaction of needs because it releases a kind of reward hormone. So if the child learns from their parents to distract themselves with “nice things” when they are in pain, the brain does not learn resilience, but instead turns to substitutes: food, drink, shopping, video games, etc.
There is an important difference between comfort through affection and comfort through distraction. True consolation makes a person feel truly good and relieved. False comfort is a substitute satisfaction – its effect fizzles out quickly, which is why people need more and more of it. It’s okay for parents to fall back on it from time to time – I do too – but they should be aware that it’s just a stopgap. It’s better to give children a hug and support them in their pain.
4. the parents behave unpredictably
When I was in kindergarten, I had a best friend, Anja. I loved her very much. But what bothered me was the terror that came from her parents. You never knew how they would react. Sometimes they were super nice and showered us with sweets. But often, usually out of the blue, they would get angry and kick me out. I never knew what we had done wrong. One wrong word, one wrong look, and you’d better look the other way. Very often, Anja would open the door for me in tears and shake her head when I wanted to play with her.
People have a basic need for structure and order in their lives, and if they can’t predict how their day will go over a longer period of time, they get stressed and fall ill. The same applies to parents’ behavior: it must have a structure that is decipherable for a child so that they know where they stand and can orient themselves to this clear structure, which gives them behavioral security.
I see the pupils at my school who have been labeled by society as having “behavioral problems” and I know that many of them also have unpredictable adults in their lives. If there is really no indication of how their parents will behave in the next moment, then a child cannot grow up healthily – they will not internalize the rules for “normal” coexistence, but will react just as unpredictably and thus get into trouble at nursery and school.
5. the parents simply ignore the children’s “no”
Here’s an example: I think 100 percent of parents agree when asked if a woman’s “no” to sex should really be “no”. We all want to raise our children with this in mind, none of us want our son to ever touch a woman against her will. But how many parents unconsciously teach their children the exact opposite? After all, what does a child learn when they say “no” and then have to do what their parents say anyway? It learns that the stronger person decides when a “no” really means “no”.
I once brushed one of my daughters’ teeth against her will when they were little. I was really convinced it had to be done, it was for her own good. But she resisted as if it was a matter of her life. She screamed and kicked and I had to hold her with all my strength. It felt violent. When I realized this, I let her go and swore to myself that I would never, ever treat her so violently again. I realized that she can’t learn that her “no” is worth anything if not even her closest, dearest person in the world listens to it.
Of course, there are situations in which we parents also have to ignore our children’s “no”. If a two-year-old throws himself into the middle of the street because he doesn’t want to go any further, there is absolutely no question that the father has to pick him up and carry him away for safety. Parents must and may exercise “protective power” over their children. If necessary, even by means of physical superiority. But how often do such situations occur? And how often do we ignore our children’s “no” simply out of convenience or time pressure?
Conclusion
The lesson you can learn from this article is that you are good parents. Your children are neither “bullies” nor “assholes” – even if they may behave impossibly from time to time. It’s actually quite simple: they need to learn to empathize with others, they need empathy, love, care, real comfort. They need to encounter someone else’s authentic boundaries from time to time and then be encouraged to