9 Tips to Help You and Your Partner Reconnect After a Relationship Break

When we think of a “break” in a relationship, what comes to mind is generally some kind of temporary separation. Such breaks can serve a variety of purposes. For some couples, it can be a way to get some breathing room if the relationship has reached a boiling point.

Time apart can help people calm down and return to the situation with a cooler head. In other cases, these breaks are meant to help people sort out how they feel about the relationship and how they want to move forward.

A lot of people assume that taking a break means the relationship is on the course toward an actual breakup, but this isn’t always the case. The key is what comes next when you press play again. How do you reconnect after a break and move forward with the relationship? It might seem daunting, but with the right approach, it can be a learning experience that strengthens your bond.

Can a Relationship Come Back from a Break?

Reconnecting after a relationship breakup isn’t all that uncommon. Research has found that around half of young adults report breaking up and later reconciling. In many cases, this can be a way to learn more about yourself so you can come back to the relationship with greater self-awareness and a stronger sense of commitment.1

For some, however, breaking up and getting back together can become a pattern that might negatively affect future relationships. If you fall into the sort of “relationship churn,” as researchers call it, you might be more likely to break up again–and repeat that pattern in future relationships.

So, if you’re wondering, “Can we really come back again after a break?,” the answer to that question really depends on you and your partner. If you are both committed to trying again, then there’s a strong chance you can successfully reconnect. Here’s how to do it.

Tips to Reconnect

If you think reconnecting is in the cards, there are some important steps to take before you begin and once you start to reforge that connection. Kate Engler, LMFT, CST, a licensed couples and sex therapist at Three Points Relationships, recommends asking yourself some of the following questions to assess your readiness and to prepare for a reconnection:

• “How has the relationship contributed to the person I am today?”
• “What kind of person do I want to be now and in five years?’
• “What is my ideal way to handle disputes and resentments?”
• “What are my partner’s biggest concerns about the relationship, and what truths in those concerns can I acknowledge?”
• “What fears do I have about staying together versus staying apart?”
• “What will working on the relationship look like for us?”
• “What do I need to hear or see from my partner to show that they understand what hurts me in a relationship?”

Take Time to Reflect and Heal

When you are apart, it’s essential to use the time to reflect on the relationship and work on healing before you decide to try to reconnect after a relationship break.

“The break itself can be useful for reducing intensity, but if the partners don’t take time to reflect and heal, it is highly unlikely that the issues that caused the break in the first place will change,” says Engler.

When working with couples, Engler recommends people spend time reflecting on their own role in relationship issues, their reactive patterns, and any resentments they might be holding onto. It’s all-too-easy to focus on what our partners have done wrong, she says. While relationships are co-created, you only have control over yourselves, so Engler says you should focus your time and energy on that.

Address Individual Issues That Are Affecting Your Relationship

“The most important work the two people can do to help the relationship at any stage is their own individual work, and this is particularly important during a break,” says integrative therapist Renée Zavislak, MS, MA, LMFT. “When we are in the active conflict that tends to precipitate a relationship break, it’s easy to stay focused on the other person: what they are doing that we dislike or not doing that we want, how they “make” us feel, etc.”

Zavislak explains that many of our reactions in relationships are based on earlier attachment relationships–patterns we learned from parents, caregivers, and past romantic partners. Focusing on resolving these individual issues can help us return to the relationship, heal past traumas, and be more present in the relationship.

Acknowledge the Past

Rekindling a connection after a relationship break requires acknowledging past mistakes. Holding onto emotional wounds increases the likelihood that those same issues will rear their heads again in the future.

It’s important to remember that ignoring previous problems will not make them disappear, but acknowledging them does not mean you condone them.

The key is to recognize what happened, practice forgiveness, and reaffirm your commitment to work together once you reconnect. This can help restore the intimacy and connection you once shared.

“This isn’t to gloss over issues, especially those that are problematic or toxic, but looking at both the good and the bad allows for a more comprehensive exploration and positions us to make clear-minded choices about if and how we want to reconnect,” she explains.

Check Your Ego

Our egos can have a significant, and sometimes damaging, impact on our relationship, yet Zavislak says that most of us don’t understand exactly how this works.

“The ego is not inherently good or bad, and no one has a “big” ego compared to anyone else. Rather, the ego is a voice that forms in childhood based on what we are told about ourselves and the world. The ego’s job is to protect us from hurtful truths about ourselves,” she explains.

However, that can be a problem if we hold inaccurate or untruthful beliefs. If we believe that we are unloveable based on our earlier experiences, any criticism from our partners might be interpreted as “proof” of what we already (inaccurately) believe is true.

“There can be no repair without accountability,” Zavislak says. Taking that break to understand your own reactions and gain those insights is crucial to healing and supporting a healthier relationship.

Avoid Projection

As you reconnect after a relationship break, Zavislak also suggests checking for projection, a classic defense mechanism that often comes into play when people are experiencing relationship discord.2

“Projection happens when an individual has an urge or belief or quality about which they feel shame, so they project it onto another,” she explains. “This belief can become a lens through which we mistakenly interpret slights in relationships as proof of something much harsher.”

Try Not to Be Defensive

Defensiveness is another defense mechanism that leads to breakups and makes reconnecting much more challenging. “By the time a couple finds themselves on a break or breakup, they have likely been immersed in blame and defensiveness,” Zavislak says.

Being on a break is a great opportunity to work through this tendency and rebuild the relationship without making the same missteps. Journaling, role-playing conversations with a trusted friend, and talking to a therapist can be great ways to work through such issues.

Talk About It

Reconnecting after a relationship break can be a complex process, so open and honest communication is critical. You should discuss why you took a break in the first place, what getting back together means, and how you want to move forward.

Everyone brings their own unique experiences, intentions, and expectations to a relationship. When you talk about these factors openly, you can reconnect in a way that establishes greater trust, which can ultimately put your relationship on a more positive path as you move forward.

Once each person has had time to reflect and gain insight, the next step toward reconnecting is to start moving back toward one another by initiating a conversation.

Zavislak suggests visualizing this conversation and practicing it in your head first. She also says that this conversation should be had in person and not through text, email, or voicemail.

What happens if this conversation becomes an airing of past grievances? Zavislak recommends using the Gottman strategy for processing unfortunate incidents. This method utilizes “I feel” statements that minimize defensiveness and allow you to talk about the problem without getting dragged back into the same arguments.

Keep Communicating

Reconnecting after a break in a relationship also requires having difficult conversations. To do this, it’s vital that you both feel safe sharing your feelings and your fears.

Engler suggests that the following questions can be helpful to build understanding and empathy as you reconnect:

• “I’m not sure I fully understand where you are coming from, can you say more?”
• “That’s hard for me to hear, but I’m glad you told me. Is there anything else you want me to know?”
• “What was the hardest part of the break for you?”
• “What are your biggest fears/worries about reconnecting?”
• “How would you like me to bring up hard topics in the future??

“When in doubt, reflect back what you hear from your partner and give them plenty of time to share their thoughts/feelings/emotions and be understood before you bring your own issues to the table,” says Engler.

As you have such conversations, listen actively and validate each other’s feelings. By being patient and using empathic listening, you’ll see things from each other’s perspective more clearly—and look for ways to align your goals and plans as a couple as you reconnect.

But remember that this isn’t a one-time discussion. Communication is one of the cornerstones of a healthy relationship, so keep having these conversations to help each person feels heard and understood.

Respect Boundaries

As you start this process of reconnecting after a relationship break, remember that you don’t want to rush things. If you jump right back in where you left off, you run the risk of also jumping right back to the same mistakes and problems that drove you apart in the first place.

Through this process, it’s vital to respect one another’s boundaries. First, you need to figure out what those boundaries are, Engler says. Without doing this, you’ll only recognize them when they’ve been crossed. Plus, you can’t tell your partner about your boundaries unless you identify them first.

But how do you communicate your boundaries once you’ve identified them? “Clear and kind is the name of the game on this part,” Engler says. “Framing boundaries as demands is not helpful and sets partners up as adversaries.”

She offers the following example: You might say, “I know that it’s important for us to spend time together while we are reconnecting. I want to do that, but for me, moving slowly is really important so that I can manage my emotions well and not fall into old habits” rather than, “I get that you want to spend time together, but you need to back off!”

How Long Is Our Break Supposed to Last? 

There is no single answer that is right for every situation. In many cases, it really depends on the couple, the problem, and each person’s unique needs.

For some couples, having a few days or a week apart can be enough to get some perspective and come back with greater clarity. Other couples may need a few weeks or even months apart to heal before they think about reconnecting.

The important thing is to establish some time limits and ground rules at the start of the break. Create a tentative timeframe for how long you think you’ll need to be apart. Be aware that some flexibility is needed, but agree on a time when you might start talking about reassessing your needs and reconnecting as a couple.

Dos and Don’ts When You’re on a Break

What should you do when you’re on a break?

• Do set ground rules: When you decide to take a break, be clear about what the rules, expectations, and boundaries are. Can you date other people when you are on a break? If you plan for the break to be brief, dating other people should probably be off the table.
• Do communicate: Check in with each other periodically to keep the lines of communication open and ensure that you are both still on the same page.
• Do focus on self-care: Now is the time to take care of yourself and prioritize your mental health. This time of self-discovery can help you learn more about yourself and what’s important to you in a relationship.

What shouldn’t you do during a break?

• Don’t act impulsively: Avoid making sudden decisions that might endanger the relationship’s future.
• Don’t ignore the issues: A break can be a chance to focus on your own concerns, evaluate what you want, and come back with a fresh perspective. The issues with your relationship won’t go away on their own, so now is the time to work through them and address them.
• Don’t rush the decision: Even if you’ve agreed on a timeline at the beginning of the break, don’t feel rushed to make a decision if you aren’t ready. Reconnecting after a break can only be successful if you’ve done the work and prepared yourself to begin again.