Being attracted to someone can be exciting and intimidating all at once. If you like them, you may wonder what to say or do around them in the hopes of getting them to like you back.
That’s where flirting comes in. Although it can sometimes seem superficial, flirting is an important aspect of human behavior.
Flirting is the human language of attraction that conveys interest and desirability toward another, says Clarissa Silva, a behavioral scientist, relationship coach, and creator of ‘Your Happiness Hypothesis Method.’
Driven by natural instinct, flirting is a combination of verbal and nonverbal cues that help us demonstrate and reciprocate feelings of attraction, Silva explains.
Besides, flirting involves exciting, playful interactions that can boost your confidence and self-esteem, says Claudia de Llano, LMFT, a licensed marriage and family therapist.
Although flirting is as old as humankind, flirting techniques and what’s considered appropriate have changed dramatically over time. Verywell Mind asked relationship experts what makes for good flirting and to share some tips that can help you step up your flirting game.
What Makes Good Flirting?
These are some of the ingredients that make for good flirting:
- Playfulness: Flirting often involves light-hearted teasing, jokes, or banter. Playful interactions can help break the ice and create a fun and engaging atmosphere.
- Authenticity: Flirting should come from a place of sincerity and authenticity. It should be honest and transparent, without excessive attention-seeking behavior, says Silva.
- Respect: Flirting must be based on mutual respect. It should be safe and maintain the other person’s sovereignty, says Silva. Sexist or derogatory flirting styles are tacky, demeaning, and not appreciated.
- Kindness: Flirting should be based on empathy and kindness, Silva adds. “Be kind and generous with your heart and the heart of another.”
- Connection: Flirting is about building a connection with someone, based on mutual attraction and interests.
- Reciprocity: Flirting is a two-way street. It’s important to pay attention to how the other person is responding to your cues. If they’re engaged and responsive, that’s a good sign to continue. If they seem uninterested or uncomfortable, it’s best to gracefully exit the interaction.
Flirting Tips to Boost Attraction and Connection
These are some tips that can help you step up your flirting game:
- Start with a smile: A warm smile is a simple and effective way to demonstrate your happiness at seeing someone. Research shows that smiling makes you seem more attractive, trustworthy, and intelligent.1
- Maintain eye contact: Maintain eye contact with the person while you’re chatting with them. Put away distractions and give them your full attention.
- Use humor: Witty comments or jokes can help you break the ice and create a rapport with the person. Over time, you can build these references into inside jokes that you share together.
- Look for common ground: Look for shared interests, hobbies, and experiences to establish common ground and build a connection.
- Give genuine compliments: A compliment can show the person you’re interested in them and make them feel good about themselves. Give them a genuine compliment on their personality, habits, appearance, or achievements. Try to compliment them on something that’s unique and specific to them instead of giving them a generic line.
- Listen actively: Actively listen to what the person shares. Ask follow-up questions and pay attention to their likes and dislikes.
- Be confident: Confidence is attractive, but it’s important to find the right balance. Being overconfident can come across as arrogant or cocky. On the other hand, being too shy can make it hard for the other person to gauge your interest and intentions.2 Flirting often involves walking a thin line between subtlety and overtures.
- Keep your body language open: Keep your body language open and approachable. When it comes to flirting, research shows that how something is said is as important as what is being said.3 A 2021 study notes that body language in the form of eye contact, a slight smile, and tilted head often indicate flirtation.4
- Tease playfully: Gently teasing the person can help create a light and fun dynamic. However, it’s important to ensure that your teasing is playful and not hurtful in any way.
- Engage in friendly challenges: You can engage the person in friendly challenges or competitions, to pique their interest.
- Touch lightly: You can signal your interest in the person by lightly touching their arm or shoulder. However, be mindful of their boundaries and avoid doing anything without their consent.
- Be yourself: People sometimes put on a different persona when they’re flirting with someone they’re attracted to, trying to be what they think the person wants them to be. However, that’s usually not sustainable and generally leads to failure. It’s important to be your authentic self during this process, says de Llano.
- Go with the flow: Flirting is about exploring possibilities rather than trying to control outcomes, says Silva. She recommends letting go of your expectations and going with the flow of your emotions.
- Respect their boundaries: If the person indicates in any way that they’re not comfortable with any aspect of the interaction, it’s important to respect their boundaries and step back immediately.
- Be mindful of the context: Be mindful of the context of your interaction. Flirting can be appropriate—or even expected and welcome—in certain contexts, such as online dating platforms.5 However, it may not necessarily be appreciated in other contexts, such as workplaces for instance, where it may be considered harassment.6
Things to Remember
While flirting comes naturally to some people, it can be a lot harder for some. Putting yourself out there and risking rejection can definitely be scary.
It can be helpful to observe people who are good at it, either in real life or on screen. You can also practice it on a friend or someone you’re attracted to in a group setting, to take some of the pressure off.
Be courageous and don’t be afraid of being imperfect, says Silva. She recommends having fun and giving yourself permission to express your feelings, no matter the outcome.