Nobody’s in a good mood all the time. Life gets tough, things don’t go as we expected, responsibilities build up, or maybe we simply wake up on the wrong side of the bed. Whatever the reason, you or your partner are bound to feel low occasionally.
It’s never fun to be around someone who’s in a bad mood but, assuming there isn’t a deeper issue within your relationship at play, it probably isn’t anything to take personally. Still, there’s no harm in wanting to help them feel a little better.
Supporting a partner in a bad mood can take many different forms, says Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD, a clinical psychologist and relationship expert. “It can range from giving them a hug, to giving them some space, to hashing it out with them. Follow their lead and be open to what’s best for them at the moment.”
Here are some tips that might be helpful if your partner’s got the grumps.
At a Glance
Your partner being in a bad mood can be a major bummer, but it’s important not to take it personally. Be supportive, offer a shoulder to lean on, or give them space if they need it. If you can, surprise them with something they like or do something thoughtful to cheer them up.
Hopefully the thunderclouds will pass soon!
What to Do If Your Partner’s in a Bad Mood
These are some strategies that can help you support your partner when they’re in a bad mood.
Listen and Empathize, If They Want to Talk About It
Ask your partner if they want to talk about what’s bothering them. If they take you up on it, you can offer them a listening ear and let them vent if they need to, says Dr. Romanoff.
Give them your full attention and show them you care about what they’re feeling. Research shows us that validating someone’s feelings can help relieve negative emotions and put them in a better mood.1 Just getting it off their chest and feeling supported might help them feel better!
Give Them Their Space, If They Don’t
On the other hand, your partner may not want to talk about it, preferring to stew over it silently instead.
Although this can be harder to deal with, because you want to know what’s going on and try to fix it already, it’s important to respect their needs.
The goal is to support your partner the way they need it, even if that means taking a step back and letting them process it on their own, says Dr. Romanoff.
Try to Cheer Them Up
While a boatload of false cheer can sometimes be annoying, a thoughtful or sweet gesture might be more appreciated.
You could make them a cup of tea, draw them a bubble bath, offer them a back rub, or surprise them with cookies from their favorite bakery. It’s often the little things that go a long way!
Distract Them
If their mood seems lighter, suggest a fun activity you both enjoy, like watching a movie, playing a board game, or going for a walk.
Shifting their focus away from what’s bothering them may help lift their spirits.
Offer Your Support With Whatever’s Bothering Them
Ask your partner if you can help them with whatever’s bothering them.
For example, if they’re annoyed because the washing machine just decided to throw a tantrum mid-cycle, offer to tackle the overflowing laundry basket together. Or, if they had a rough day, offer to cook their favorite meal or take their turn doing the dishes.
Supporting a partner in a bad mood can take many different forms. It can range from giving them a hug, to giving them some space, to hashing it out with them. Follow their lead and be open to what’s best for them at the moment.
What Not to Do If Your Partner’s in a Bad Mood
Equally important is what not to do when your partner’s in a bad mood.
Don’t Take It Personally
Remember that your partner’s mood could be influenced by several factors and is not necessarily a reflection of you, or their relationship with you. (Unless you’re having a fight, which is different!) Bad moods can sprout from anywhere—a tough day, an unexpected hiccup, not enough sleep, or an annoying coworker.
It’s important to draw a boundary between your partner’s emotional state and yourself—this means not taking responsibility for their happiness or their bad moods, says Dr. Romanoff.
Their being in a bad mood doesn’t mean they care about you any less, that you did something wrong, or that you’ve failed in some way.
Don’t Try to “Fix It”
When we hear that something’s wrong, our first instinct is often to try and help by suggesting whatever solutions we can think of to “fix it.” However, this is often the opposite of helpful to the other person.
Going into “fix it” mode protects us from feelings of helplessness and makes us feel like we’re in control, says Dr. Romanoff. “However, this can feel invalidating to the other person who might want to be heard and validated instead of silenced through the quick fix.”
Going into “fix it” mode protects us from feelings of helplessness and makes us feel like we’re in control. However, this can feel invalidating to the other person who might want to be heard and validated instead of silenced through the quick fix.
Don’t Minimize or Brush Off Their Feelings
If you’re trying to comfort your partner about whatever’s bothering them, don’t do it by minimizing or brushing off their feelings. (“Oh don’t worry about that, it’s so silly!”)
Even though you may have good intentions and are only trying to make them feel better about it, it can be very frustrating to have one’s concerns dismissed.
Instead, listen to what they’re saying and empathize with their feelings. Validate their stance and show them that their concerns matter to you, so they feel seen and heard.
Don’t React Negatively With a Bad Mood of Your Own
Although being around a grumpy partner is not fun, it’s important to be patient and understanding with their mood. Don’t react negatively with a bad mood of your own, because that will just fuel the fire and lead to a fight.
Instead, stay calm and give them the time and space they need to work it out. Research shows us that people who are feeling stressed out feel comforted when their partners express calmness, hope, and support, rather than worry or negativity.2
Don’t Make It About You
Don’t make the situation about you. Focus on your partner’s feelings and needs instead of feeling neglected or rejected. Relationships are about give and take, and this may be a situation where you give more than you take, and that’s OK! Once your partner’s mood lifts, they’ll appreciate your patience and understanding.