10 Signs of Deception in a Relationship

Deception involves lying, distorting facts, making up stories, hiding the truth, or misleading someone in some way.1 It can be harmful to relationships because it violates trust.

The mildest form of deception is a white lie. For example, we might tell our partner that their joke was super funny or that their new haircut doesn’t totally suck. We all do it from time to time.

These little white lies are usually harmless, but a pattern of subtle lying can be a dangerous path to go down.2 When the white lies go past the harmless “trying to protect your feelings” variety, they enter deceptive territory. Deception can also involve more serious offenses, like cheating or gaslighting.

If you think your partner’s acting a little sketchy, you might wonder whether they’re deceiving you in some way and what you should do about it.

In this article, we explore what deception could look like in relationships, why people do it, and how it can harm relationships. We also ask a relationship expert for some tips on how to rebuild trust in relationships.

Examples of Deception in a Relationship

These are some examples of deception in relationships:

• Telling white lies: We might tell our partner we’re on our way to dinner while we’re still getting ready. Or, we might pretend we have a really early start the next day if we’re not in the mood to hang out with our partner’s annoying friend. All of us are guilty of telling these lies to avoid hurting our partner’s feelings or avert confrontation.3
• Lying: While little white lies can sometimes smooth things over, there are times when we might find ourselves fibbing about where we are or what we’re up to, to avoid conflict or scrutiny perhaps. For instance, we may claim we’re working late at work, instead of admitting that we’re at a poker game instead.
• Concealing finances: Talking about money can be tough, and there may be instances where we’ve struggled to be upfront about our income, debts, or spending habits, either out of fear or due to the pressure of maintaining a certain image. For example, we may not be honest with our partner about how much we spent on those new shoes. Research shows that financial deception is quite common among couples.4
• Embellishing our backgrounds: In wanting to impress a new flame, we may stretch the truth about our background or who we really are, presenting a more desirable version of ourselves to win their approval.
• Fabricating stories: We may spin a tale or two to manipulate our partner’s perception of us. Whether it’s conjuring up a sob story to earn their sympathy or inflating our achievements to impress them, we’ve all been there at some point.
• Omitting information: We’ve all done things we’re not proud of. Sometimes, we may choose not to spill all the beans, omitting certain details when we share things with our partner.
• Covering up lies: Regrettably, there may have been moments when we’ve told a lie, misled our partner, and then gone to great lengths to cover our tracks, hoping they won’t find out what we’ve done. For instance, we may have snooped around their room a little, broken something in the process, and made up a lie to try and cover it up.
• Withholding emotions: We may suppress our true feelings and pretend like everything’s hunky-dory, rather than addressing issues and resolving them. We may claim we’re fine, even if we’re not.
• Hiding bad habits: We may hide our use of substances like alcohol or drugs, or other bad habits from our partner.
• Cheating: Deception can also escalate to infidelity. We might have experienced the temptation to engage in emotional or physical affairs outside of our relationship.
• Gaslighting: Deception can also include gaslighting, where we manipulate our partners and cause them to doubt themselves. For example, if they accuse us of something, instead of owning up to our mistakes, we might deny it and claim we never said that.

Deception vs. Lying

While deception and lying are very similar, they’re not exactly the same thing.

Lying refers specifically to the act of making a false statement. Deception, on the other hand, is a much broader term that encompasses any act or strategy intended to mislead or create a false impression. It can involve actions, words, or omissions. Lying is essentially a smaller subset of deceptive behavior.

Is Omitting Information a Form of Deception?

Omitting information can definitely be a form of deception.

For example, we may neglect to tell our partner important information about ourselves, like the fact that we’ve been engaged or married before. We may worry about how it would affect their view of us. However, when they find out, they’ll probably be upset and hurt that they weren’t trusted with that information.

Or, we may go to a party where we bump into our ex. We may choose to leave out that information when we tell our partner about the party, to avoid upsetting them. However, if they ever find out, they’ll probably be more mad that they weren’t told about it.

Or, we may be experiencing financial difficulties and avoid telling our partner about it because we don’t want to stress them out. However, financial transparency is important in relationships, so that partners can support each other and find solutions together.

Why Do People Deceive Their Partners?

We may not set out to mislead our partners, but we may end up deceiving them as we navigate the messy terrain of relationships.

While each situation is unique, some common reasons for deception in relationships include:

• Avoiding conflict: We might tell a little lie or deceive our partners to avoid getting into a fight.5
• Preserving our self-image: We all want to look good in our partner’s eyes. We might brag a little and exaggerate our successes or downplay our flaws, to maintain our self-image.
• Seeking approval: We may stretch the truth a little bit to win our partner’s approval. For example, we may say “I love hiking on holiday too!,” even if we don’t particularly enjoy it.
• Hiding insecurity: We may feel insecure and fear losing our partners if we reveal our vulnerabilities to them, so we might choose to deceive them instead.
• Shielding them: We may try to protect our partner from negative or unpleasant things, choosing to deceive them instead. For instance, we may say “My mother loves you, she thinks you’re great.”
• Feeling trapped: In the heat of the moment, we might twist facts or manipulate the situation to make ourselves feel less cornered. For example, if they bring up an issue, we might try to turn the tables on them and accuse them of overreacting instead.
• Fearing consequences: We may try to hide our harmful habits because we’re terrified of being judged or having to face the consequences.
• Maintaining our independence: We may not feel ready to share certain things with our partner yet, so we may deceive them in order to maintain our sense of privacy and independence.

How Deception Harms Relationships

We tapped Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD, a clinical psychologist and relationship expert, to help us understand how deception can harm relationships.

Dr. Romanoff explains that the person being deceived may struggle to fully trust their partner and believe that their words, actions and behaviors are genuine. “The deceiver may struggle to trust that their partner wants to be with the real them and fear losing them–although this becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy as they deceive their partners and end up losing them as a result.”

Trust, honesty, and authenticity are the founding pillars of relationships. The relationship probably won’t last long if we can’t trust our partners and show them our vulnerabilities—or if we can’t trust that they are being their genuine, authentic selves with us.

How to Tell If My Partner Is Deceiving Me

These are 10 signs that your partner might be deceiving you:

• Unexplained behavior changes: Your partner is suddenly doing something different, such as coming home late every night.
• Inconsistent stories: Their story doesn’t seem to match up with what they’ve told you before. Some of the details have changed and things don’t seem to add up.
• Defensive reactions: They respond to an innocent situation or question with a disproportionately defensive reaction.
• Evasive body language: Your partner’s body language seems sketchy. They don’t meet your eyes, turn their body away from you, fidget constantly, or touch their face a lot while talking.
• Altered communication patterns: They avoid certain topics, becoming vague, distant, and dismissive when you bring them up.
• Hesitant responses: They hesitate before responding, pausing to choose their words carefully before they reply.
• Guarded privacy: They’re suddenly super protective of their phone or laptop, not leaving them unguarded or out of their sight for even a minute. They may change some of their passwords without keeping you in the loop.
• Radio silence: They occasionally disappear and you can’t reach them, by phone or message.
• Fluctuating intimacy: They may suddenly be much more affectionate toward you. Or, they may withdraw from you physically and emotionally.
• Gut feelings: You just have a feeling in your gut that something’s wrong and they’re not being upfront with you. Something seems off, even if you’re not quite sure what it is.

What to Do If You Learn That Your Partner Has Deceived You

Learning that your partner has deceived you can be a tough pill to swallow, but how you navigate the aftermath can shape the future of your relationship.

These are some strategies that may be helpful:

• Reflect on your emotions: It’s normal to feel angry, betrayed, or hurt in this situation. Take a moment to reflect on your emotions to understand what you’re feeling and why.
• Share your feelings: Talk to your partner about how the impact of their actions. Instead of accusing them, tell them how their actions made you feel, using “I feel” statements. For example, instead of saying “You’re keeping secrets from me by not telling me that your ex texted you,” you could say “I felt hurt, sad, and disappointed when I found out that you kept this from me.”
• Try to see things from their side: Dr. Romanoff recommends approaching the conversation with your partner from a place of curiosity instead of blame, asking them why they did what they did instead of shaming them and labeling them. Try to see things from their side and understand why they did it. Understanding does not excuse the behavior but it can provide you both with more information about how to proceed. If your partner is lying because they are worried about hurting your feelings, you can discuss ways to co-create a safe space to share vulnerable or sensitive information with each other in the future.
• Evaluate the relationship: Depending on the frequency and seriousness of the offense, you might need to evaluate the relationship and determine whether you can still be with your partner. Are their values too dissimilar to yours for the relationship to work? For instance, if they have been unfaithful to you and their deception has fundamentally broken your trust, you may find that you can’t be with the person anymore.6
• Set boundaries: If you feel your values can be re-aligned and you decide to stay together and work things out, it’s important to establish clear boundaries with your partner. This might involve determining what is and is not acceptable when it comes to behavior and communication in the relationship, discussing consequences for boundary violations, and outlining expectations for honesty and transparency. It is important for both of you to be on the same page in order to move forward.
• Seek support: Reach out to a trusted friend, family member, or therapist for support. Having someone to talk to and share your feelings with can be a source of comfort and insight.
• Practice self-care: Prioritize self-care as you navigate this situation. Whether it’s engaging in activities you enjoy, spending time with loved ones, or seeking therapy for yourself, taking care of your emotional well-being is crucial.

Rebuilding Trust in Your Relationship

If you and your partner are working on your relationship, it’s important to rebuild the trust that was broken, in order to move forward.

These are some strategies that can help you rebuild the trust in your relationship:

• Prioritize open and honest communication: Keep the communication lines with your partner open. Discuss the reasons behind the breach of trust, express your feelings, and listen to your partner’s perspective. Practice radical honesty with each other and work together to create new communication practices that are emotionally safe for both of you and free of blame, shame, or judgment.
• Give them a chance: Give your partner a chance to apologize and make it up to you. “Be patient as your partner makes sincere efforts to rekindle the connection,” says Dr. Romanoff.
• Let them earn your trust again: You have to give them the chance to earn your trust again. Trust is built over many instances demonstrating consistency and reliability, says Dr. Romanoff. “Give your partner the opportunity to prove their trustworthiness by showing up for you and meeting your needs in small ways, and progressively up the ante over time.”
• Be patient: Rebuilding trust takes time, and patience is crucial. Understand that healing is a gradual process, and both of you may need time to rebuild your confidence.
• Rebuild the emotional connection: Work on rebuilding emotional intimacy in the relationship. Prioritize quality time together and engage in activities that bring you closer together.
• See a couples counselor: Couples therapy can help you navigate the complexities of the situation and rebuild your relationship.
• Forgive: Forgiveness is crucial to repair but it can take time and effort. Eventually, it is important to be able to forgive your partner, otherwise it will remain an open wound in your relationship. Take the time to feel your feelings of hurt and as you process them, move forward at your respective paces. Don’t rush or force the process of forgiveness, but allow it to be a possibility now or in the future. If you were the one who broke their trust, practice forgiving yourself as well and rebuilding your trust with yourself by taking different actions in the future.